


I Will Find You

by CrosswordDreamer



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Future, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Love, Slow Burn, Smut, Time Travel, future Jamie Fraser, modern Jamie Fraser
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-31
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:27:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 66,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27311161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrosswordDreamer/pseuds/CrosswordDreamer
Summary: Jamie sends Claire back through the stones to the man who would protect both her and their unborn child.When Claire wakes up on the other side, she finds exactly that man.This is the story of how Jamie keeps his promise to Claire.“I will find you," he whispered in my ear. "I promise. If I must endure two hundred years of purgatory, two hundred years without you - then that is my punishment, which I have earned for my crimes. For I have lied, and killed, and stolen; betrayed and broken trust. But there is the one thing that shall lie in the balance. When I shall stand before God, I shall have one thing to say, to weigh against the rest."His voice dropped, nearly to a whisper, and his arms tightened around me.Lord, ye gave me a rare woman, and God! I loved her well.”― Diana Gabaldon, Dragonfly in Amber
Relationships: Claire Beauchamp/Jamie Fraser
Comments: 1284
Kudos: 620





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> While I am no rookie in the fanfiction realm, this is the very first time I am writing for this fandom. I have deliberately not given away too much with the synopsis- so let yourselves be taken by surprise ;) also, I'm writing as I go along, so please bear with me. Hope you enjoy!  
> * English is not my first language, and this is not beta'd or proof read by anyone else- it's just me writing in the middle of the night when I get the time and inspiration strikes  
> * do follow me over on tumblr if you like, you can find me @crossworddreamer

Claire opened her eyes only to shut them tightly and maybe, _maybe_ , it would all go away. She didn’t want it, any of it, she would rather have died then be there, without him. But then she moved her hand to her still small stomach, and she winced at how skinny and malnourished she’d been all the while carrying a baby the past 2 months. He’d known of course, had figured it out before even she could. Hot tears stung her eyes behind her lids and she forced them open.

She forced herself to stand, forced herself to breathe and blink and exist. She’d promised him. Damn him.

She side-eyed the stones, damn them as well. Or rather, damn them for having worked in bringing her back to the future. If only they’d refused to bring her back...

She inhaled sharply and forced herself to drag her feet, one in front of the other, staggering along the way. She slowly began descending the hill but stopped dead in her tracks when she heard singing. Gaelic singing, the kinds she’d heard the men sing while marching to and fro while training for the battles.

She gulped. Was it possible? She didn’t dare form the idea in her head, yet it kept knocking at her conscience’s door. Could she still be in 1745?

If so, where was Jamie?

But maybe... maybe!

She began sprinting downhill, and even though she didn’t know the way exactly, she followed the sound of men singing, which grew louder and louder as she was approaching them.

She couldn’t help but pray over and over that this was real, that she was still in 1745 and that Jamie hadn’t reached the moor yet.

She finally began approaching a large gathering that kept marching in the opposite direction and her heart skipped a beat. They were all in scottish garb but something was off. She’d been surrounded by those men for weeks and for some reason what she was seeing didn’t quite register. They all seemed a bit too...colorful. Her mind began overprocessing, was this synesthesia? Not quite synesthesia though, it seemed more like just heightened senses? Had she suffered an injury going through the stones to cause it? Surely she must’ve travelled through and back again, else Jamie would’ve still been there. Surely...

She began running in ernest now. She needed to find him, stop him. Drag him by his thick red curls away from that damned battlefield, away from Culloden Moor.

She reached the men and began making her way through. Synesthesia was not out of the question, apparently, since now she could’ve sworn she’d smelled some sort of perfume, and she knew that was impossible having lived rough in the camp for so long, foul odors of unwashed, sweaty men being the only smell she’d tried to avoid. Was it just an early symptom of pregnancy maybe?

She knew she was trying to distract herself, to keep her mind busy until she found him, because there was another explanation for everything that was feeling odd, and she simply could not allow her mind to go there.

She flinched upon hearing bagpipes. That was certainly not right. No, no, no. “No, Beauchamp. Don’t go there. There must be a reasonable explanation, there must be... he’s here, you just need to find him. Find him!”

She stopped dead in her tracks though at the sight of a man holding a tiny object in the palm of his hands pointing it towards two other who smiled back... almost as if... posing for a photograph? But...?

People tried not to bump into her but inevitably she was pushed along with the crowd, and she went along, staring at those three people until she couldn’t see them anymore. Suddenly someone rode ahead, and then a few others followed, and she turned to see where they were coming from, only to see a very familiar shade of red approaching. Her breath caught and she fought to make her way towards the outskirts of the moving mass. The horse he was riding was just passing by in a gallop when she broke free from the crowd.

“Jamie!”

She shouted but.... those damned bagpipes!

“Jamie!” she cried once more, shrieking almost, but her voice was simply drowned.

She began running again. Her head was spinning, it was sensory overload. But that was him, she _knew it_. She’d have recognized him anywhere.

Finally she reached a clearing where she saw a few people dismount their horses, and she approached them, looking for that brilliant shade of red amongst them.

“Jamie!”

A few men actually looked her way, but none of them was her husband. She pushed through, searching, frantically looking every which way.

Finally she caught a sound, the most beautifully familiar sound. Jamie was not a man to laugh much, but when he did, he did it with his whole body. Why was he laughing though, she wondered. Hardly the time or the place and she’d just gone back to the future for all he knew! She was almost mad at him if she wasn’t so happy to know him to be truly there. She’d reached him in time, thank God!

She ran towards him once she turned in the direction of his voice, he was talking to someone, but there wasn’t anyone there. Who was he talking to?

“Jamie?...” she nearly whispered approaching him

He then looked at her and turned his gaze away, only to look right back at her again.

She looked at him incredulously. What was the matter? Was he mad at her for coming back? Why was he just standing there, looking at her?

“I’m going to have to call ye back” he talked to himself again and then put something in his pocket, all the while, looking at her. He then dismounted, but he didn’t do it the way he normally would, but the common way... the way she did it.

She suddenly remembered, as if it had happened the day before. The feeling she’d had when she’d first stumbled upon Black Jack Randall, the moment she’d realized he wasn’t her husband, Frank.

“Jamie?” she hoped to God she wouldn’t follow shortly with <<you’re not Jamie!>>

He furrowed his brows but a smile played on his full lips “Have we met before, then, lass? When we were bairns, maybe? Nobody’s called me Jamie since kindergarden, at least!”

She gasped “Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ...”

“Nah, lass, I don’t go by that name either” he chuckled “James will suffice. I can’t recall, though, you’ll have to jog my memory. You do seem awfully familiar...” he scanned her from head to toe in a manner that made her blush fiercely. She was reminded of the way Jamie had looked at her when he’d first seen her naked, on their wedding night. She gulped. This only meant... that indeed, _“This isn’t Jamie”_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the wonderful welcome both here and over on tumblr, for all your encouraging words and even for those who just dropped in and simply read it! The beauty of writing is sharing, and it makes me very happy to see that you are enjoying it! Couldn't postpone posting the next chapter any longer, I'm eager to know what you think, do drop a line letting me know ❤️

Jamie... or, James? bent his knees slightly to level with her, searching her eyes “Are you alright, lass? Is something amiss?”

Claire stared into his eyes, pleading with her own. _It’s me! Take me into your arms, tell me it will be alright, whisper soothing words in Gaelic into my hair and never let me go again._ Instead she just kept staring at him, eventually feeling her own bottom lip tremble.

James exhaled through his nose audibly, straightened and began drumming his fingers against his hips, looking at her with concern. Claire noticed, and tears began falling, large tears, one after the other.

“Och now...” he murmured, putting an arm around her in comfort to which she clung, burying her face against it, sobbing in earnest now.

“Is it Culloden? Have ye lost someone here?” he spoke gently, holding her.

She trembled “I... I don’t know”

“A Sassenach, are ye?” he said good humoredly, but this only seemed to make her shake even harder. She was trying to muffle her sobs, and he tried to get her to look at him “Lass, you might be having a panic attack. Something is triggering it, clearly, what say we leave, it’s the same memorial each year anyway, aye?”

She averted her gaze but nodded, and he gently guided her towards the horse “Sorry, canna leave him behind. Are ye familiar with horses?” he didn’t finish the sentence before she mounted on her own “Very nice” he hummed, then hopped on in front of her, and she immediately held onto him as they rode off.

They finally stopped once they reached a stable. He helped her down and gave her a worried look, she looked even paler than before. He quickly took care of the horse and then guided her out of the stables.

She was drawing a blank on the ride towards the stables. She must have zoned out completely, she didn’t remember how they got there.

“Lass?”

She flinched “Sorry?” she was still avoiding direct eye contact

“Do ye think it would be alright if ye stepped in for a moment? Have a bite to eat, some tea perhaps?”

She let out a laugh, startling him “Tea? Since when does James Fraser drink _tea_?!”

He smirked at that “Well clearly ye know me well enough to know _that_. Won’t ye tell me, then? Yer name at least?”

“It’s... Claire”

“Claire...” he repeated, and she felt shivers up her spine. _Please, remember me._

A sharp sound made them both flinch and James seemed to know just where it was coming from. To Claire’s surprise, it was coming from his pocket. He took out a rectangular object and then she was shocked to see him put it against his year and begin talking to it.

“Sorry, man” he rubbed his forehead, taking a few steps to the side “I know, it was an emergency, ye ken? Do ye think I got all dressed up just to go there and turn right back around? It takes me forever to put on my kilt” he laughed

Claire kept staring at him, her mind running. What in the name of God was he doing?

He looked at her and upon seeing her puzzled expression cleared his voice “I’ll get back to ye later, make sure the horses are all taken care of, aye?”

“Was that...” she started, then shook her head “Were you talking to someone?”

He furrowed his brows “Aye, do ye need to call someone lass? Has your phone died?”

She shuddered at the word but he made no sense whatsoever “Died?...”

“Did your battery run out?” he began drumming his fingers against his tigh “Let’s get ye inside, maybe whiskey really is for the best”

She nodded and let him lead the way. They circled the stables and suddenly a large building came into view.

“Lallybroch!” she whispered to herself, in relief.

He furrowed his brows smilingly at her “Ye ken the place?”

She swallowed and nodded, averting her gaze again.

“Didn’t think anyone else knew about that alternate name. It’s only known as Broch Tuarach hereabouts. I only found out myself when I bought the place”

“You bought it?” she asked, shakily

“Well, they nearly begged me to buy it” he laughed “For all the hassle it’s been restoring it. It’s a heritage site, ye ken, so it meant lots of paperwork, lots of legal stuff to take into consideration... but also, it was sae damaged, lots of hard work had to go into restoring it to its proper glory. Turned out quite nice if I say so myself”

“It looks amazing” Claire looked at her former home in awe.

He opened the front door for her and allowed her to step inside.

“The restroom is down the hall to the left, if ye need to freshen up a bit. I’ll get the whiskey” he smiled and winked with both his eyes which made Claire’s heart take a deep plunge. That was one of the most endearing things she’d loved about Jamie...

She made her way to the restroom, and Claire stared at the toilet for a good while. For some reason, the sight of it was absolutely surreal. A toilet. In Lallybroch. Jesus. H. Roosevelt. Christ.

She flinched when she heard a soft knock on the door “Claire? Dinna mean to intrude... but are ye alright in there? It’s been a while, and ye’re already worrying me a bit looking so pale and zoned out... “

“I’ll be just a minute” she eventually replied

“No hurry, just... take it easy, aye?”

She stared at herself in the mirror after having splashed some running water on her face. She hadn’t seen herself in a while, and she looked absolutely terrifying. Her face was drawn in, she’d obviously lost quite a lot of weight living rough amongst the men and tending to them day and night. Jamie had tried to get her to slow down but she hadn’t listened, she’d wanted to play her part just as Jamie played his.

By now, she thought that she was either dreaming, a very vivid dream, no less. Either that or... she was dead. She had no other explanation for Jamie acting the way he was. And now, the icing on the cake- a toilet. In Lallybroch.

She snapped out of her train out thoughts and stepped out of the restroom, making her way back to where she knew the sitting area was, and wasn’t surprised to find James sitting by the window, sipping on his whiskey, his forearm resting against the glass.

He felt her presence, rather than heard her, and turned his gaze towards her “Sláinte!” he raised his glass, gesturing towards her own, waiting on the coffee table.

She nodded and picked up the glass, downing it in one gulp.

He furrowed his brows, and went to pour her another glass “Are ye feeling a bit better, do ye think?” he asked gently

She shook her head slowly in denial.

“The sun is going down” he said, giving her the glass “I could give ye a ride into town, but if ye don’t feel up for it, ye’re welcome to spend the night”

She couldn’t believe what she told him next “I couldn’t possibly intrude...”

“Och, it’s nae bother, lass. I’m glad to have ye. Lallybroch is a beauty but I admit I’ve maybe not grown entirely comfortable living in such a large home. Especially come nightfall” he smiled

She took a smaller sip of her whiskey “Have you moved here recently, then?”

He nodded “It’s been two months, almost. Since I moved here for good, that is. I’ve been coming daily to supervise the work and also hold my riding lessons”

“Riding lessons?”

“Aye. I’m an equestrian. Slash riding instructor”

Claire smiled for the first time that day. That warmed her heart. Knowing Jamie was doing what he absolutely loved and came so natural to him. Knowing he was at peace, away from wars, redcoats, cannons, nooses...

“Lass?”

She grimaced “I’m so sorry. I can’t seem to stay focused...”

He steadied her by the elbow as she took a seat on the sofa “Ye’ll be staying then?” he asked, gently

She nodded, wanting to tell him she’ll never leave. But she didn’t know what to think or even feel anymore. Her skin ached from lack of touch. She _needed_ to touch him, to know him to be real, she needed to tell him who he was, he seemed to not know... But she wasn’t making any sense, even to herself.

“I’ll ready the guest bedroom, be right back” he placed his glass on the coffee table and left.

She woke up in total darkness. While her eyes were adjusting to the dark, she heard someone lock the door.

“Jamie?”

He chuckled softly “I guess. Sorry tae wake ye, lass, I had to tend to the horses, they had a long day today strutting down Culloden Moor” he came closer to the sofa and she could see him more clearly now “Ye fell asleep on the sofa before I had the chance to show ye upstairs. Dinna want to disturb ye, ye finally looked... peaceful”

Claire hugged the plaid he’d lain over her closer to her body “I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be such a headache”

He furrowed his brows “Dinna be silly. Come, let me show ye upstairs”

She couldn’t bear the thought of going upstairs with him and not sleeping with him the laird’s room “I’m afraid I won’t be able to fall back asleep as easily. Perhaps I could take a walk?”

“Sure. I’ll accompany ye” he quickly added, explaining “Dinna get a chance yet to install road lamps, and the fences aren’t secure all the way round...”

She nodded and they both stepped outside. It was a full moon and Claire wanted to tell James there wouldn’t have been any need for lamps, having grown so accustomed to the lack of electricity and even candlelight more often than not. She looked at him, seeing him clearly in the moonlight. He’d changed his clothes and was now wearing what appeared to be an undershit she’d seen US navy officers wear, and a pair of bluejeans. The sight of him wearing something so unfamiliar was incredible. She’d often wondered what he’d have looked like in her own time’s setting, wearing a 3 piece suit, a hat maybe, a trench coat. But she’d never imagined him wearing something so informal. And the sight of him took her breath away quite literally, she had to brace herself against a wooden fence.

“The stroll was meant to have the opposite effect, lass” he smiled at her, steadying her by the shoulders

“I’m alright” she smiled back “It’s just been... a long day...” she walked on and he followed

“Want to talk about it?” he asked, cautiously

She gulped “No, not really”

He nodded

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be elusive, I promise... I just... It’s hard to talk about it”

“I understand, Claire, dinna fash. Ye’ve no obligation to tell me anything. I just wanted ye to know I’m here to lend an ear if you feel like it”

“Thank you, truly... you’ve been nothing but kind and considerate and I must seem rude and ungrateful”

“Claire” he stopped and turned towards her “I dinna say things I don’t mean”

“I know”

James eyed her suspiciously, a smile playing on his lips “Well, then”

They walked a bit longer in silence and on their way back Claire asked “Can I ask you something, but do you promise not to run for the hills or at least back to the house to call the loony bin?”

James laughed “I have my cell with me, so that’s a moot point”

“Cell?”

He pulled out his cellphone and wriggled it at her, and upon seeing her puzzled expression he lit up the screen making her step back, frightened. His smile faded and he put the cellphone back into his pocket, clearing his throat “Ye wanted to ask me something”

“Yes... it’s about Culloden”

He sighed, seeming relieved to hear what her question would be about “Sure, lass. Is that why ye went there today, to learn about the battle?

She nodded, it was not a blatant lie, after all “Were there... any survivors?”

“Amongst the jacobites, do ye mean?”

“Yes” it came out as a near whisper

“No. Not a single one. It was a bloody massacre”

Claire looked at him incredulously “Are you sure?”

“Aye, positive. Growing up a scot, ye ken these things from an early age. Yer family makes sure ye know about yer roots, yer history. Well, normally at least... I was taught by other people”

She furrowed her brows “What do you mean?”

He cleared his throat “I... grew up in an orphanage”

She gasped and felt all the air leaving her lungs

He smiled at her reaction “It’s alright, it’s not as bad as it sounds” he nodded but she knew that look, the one he braved whenever he didn’t want to admit to himself even when something was not alright.

“I’m... quite the orphan myself”

“Och? Is that how we know eachother then?”

She nodded “We know each other from... before. Don’t worry, you don’t seem to remember me, it’s... alright”

“I was sure I’d remember instantaneously if ye were to tell me where we knew eachother from. But for some reason, it’s still a haze for me. I’m sorry. Usually, I’ve a great memory. And I do _know_ that I know ye, I recognized ye from the first moment I saw ye today. But it’s like it’s on the tip of my tongue but I can’t quite grasp the memory of it. It’s the weirdest thing” he grinned apologetically

Her heart began to swell, hoping to Heaven he’d remember. Hoping upon hope that he was right, and that somehow, he’d remember having a whole other life with her, _before..._

They got back inside and James flipped a switch, and all the lamps scattered around lit up. She couldn’t understand how that worked but followed him up the stairs regardless. She was searching the walls for Ellen’s paintings, but of course, they were long gone, who knew where they were or if they even existed somewhere, anymore. She was busy thinking about that and only registered that he’d led her to the laird’s room, instead of one of the many others.

He gestured for her to go in, but she frowned “But this is the master bedroom”

James raised his eyebrows “Indeed it is. How’d ye know?” he waited for an answer but she’d entered the room by now, taking in the surroundings. He cleared his voice and continued “I haven’t had the time to furbish the others rooms as well, only scarcely. This is the only decent bed in this whole place” he chuckled to himself “Dinna fash, I changed the sheets. And... I’ll be sleeping in the room across the hall” he quickly added, lest she get the wrong idea.

Claire touched the bed’s posts, running her fingers across the intricate detail on the wood.

“That’s an original piece, ken. I’ve had it refurbished, I couldn’t bear to part with it, the wood structure is actually in great shape for an antique. Had a whole team in here just for it, couldn’t risk taking it apart and it wouldn’t fit out the door” he drummed his fingers against his hips, reminiscing

Suddenly Claire knelt and pushed her arm under the bed. James quickly stepped in to help, thinking she’d lost her balance, but froze in place once she pulled a sword from underneath.

“Christ!”

Claire smiled, straightening “You didn’t know it was here?”

“God, no” he added, incredulously, gently spreading out his palm for her to hand it over to him. Holding it, he marveled at its weight and beautiful craftsmanship.

Claire was staring at him in awe, the sword in his hand looked so natural, so effortless, like second nature. She bit her lower lip at how perfect he looked.

He eyed her dubiously “Lass, ye knew about the sword, and ye knew about the master bedroom. Ye’ve been here before, then? Before I bought and restored it?”

She nodded “Yes”

“Canna believe it was under there the whole time, looks like a veritable blade”

“It is. Extremely old, Viking era”

“Christ” his eyes widened “Ye’re positive?”

“Quite”

“I’m surprised it’s still here and no one took it all this time”

“Maybe it was waiting for its rightful owner” she whispered

He chuckled “What, like king Arthur’s?”

She shrugged and gave him a faint smile

He ran his fingers gently across the blade only to pull away immediately “It’s still sharp!”

“You’re bleeding!” she grabbed his hand, inspecting his fingerpads

“Och, it’s hardly a papercut”

“It’s dangerous, the blade could be rusty!”

“I’ve had my tetanus shots” he smiled reassuringly and she froze in place upon hearing that, but then struggled for words

“Yes, but... it still could get infected, let’s clean you up”

Jamie placed the sword on the bed and nodded for them to head towards the bathroom. She eyed the facilities noting there was a massive bathtub and also a separate shower, and her skin tingled at the very thought of having a bath, with soap and hot water. The anticipation was enough to make her forget momentarily about James’ injury.

He opened the medicine cabinet “I have some iodine, do ye think it will suffice?”  
Claire closed her eyes in bliss, reveling in the fact that she actually had proper medicine, after so long “Yes, it will do. Here” with practiced precision she pressed a cotton gauze against the iodine bottle and flipped it over, then turned to his fingers, pulled his hand over the sink and pressed the iodine soaked gauze against his cuts. James didn’t even flinch. Of course he wouldn’t, _bloody scot._

He smiled at her softly "Ye're a kind woman. With a good touch."

She inhaled sharply, the words registering and making her heart stop momentarily. He'd said those exact words when they first met.

"Looks like you're used to patching wounds" he admired her handywork of tying gauze around his palm, securing it in place

"I'm a nurse"

He nodded and after she pulled her hands away he looked around “If ye’re not too tired, you could also take a bath, lass”

She pulled further away self-consciously “Sorry, I’m sure I must reek”

He laughed “Not at all, but yer costume looks like maybe it’s seen better days. Very realistic, though, I must say” he hummed “My kilt is also an original, not just an elastic-waisted skirt, like most are nowadays. Takes me forever to put it on, though” he sighed “I’ll leave ye to it. There’s fresh towels under the sink and I’ll lay out some clean clothes in the master’s for ye to wear to bed, alright?”

She nodded, hugging herself awkwardly

He stepped into the hallway and pulled the door behind him “Good night, Claire”


	3. Chapter 3

Claire wasn’t sure how long she’d stood in the shower. The bathtub would’ve been a more comfortable choice but she was so tired, she was afraid she’d fall asleep and the last thing she wanted was for James to find her drowned the next morning. She shook away that dire image and reveled in the amazing sensation of feeling thoroughly clean again, after so long. She’d even used conditioner on her wild curls and was over the moon with joy.

She tried not to overthink what was happening. She couldn’t wrap her mind around it. For all she knew, when she went to sleep this could all vanish like an entirely too vivid dream. She didn’t know what to pray for.

She made her way slowly towards the master bedroom, holding her towel to her bosom, noting that James had left his door ajar. She decided not to close hers all the way either. She made her way towards the bed, the sword was gone and in its stead she found a plain white undershirt similar to the one he’d been wearing and a pair of shorts. She decided to skip the shorts, as the shirt went all the way to her thighs and after placing her dress and underthings neatly on a chair, she slipped under the covers and tucked herself in. She couldn’t believe how comfortable the bed now was. But she knew she’d have trouble sleeping without Jamie beside her. She peeked over to the door and felt reassured to know that he was just next door. _Was he?_ She tried not to dwell on that. In her heart, she _knew_ , and that was all the proof she needed.

She woke up the next day and felt a cold breeze against her backside, only to realize that she’d hugged the covers to her front, clinging to them, the way she’d cling to Jamie in her sleep. Unfortunately, that meant that she’d been sleeping with her shirt hiked up over her hips, and she only hoped that James hadn’t seen, what with her door left ajar. But then she blushed to herself, thinking herself to be silly. He’d seen her naked countless times _“Has he, though?”_ she groaned rubbing her eyelids. This was getting increasingly confusing.

She stumbled out of bed and went towards the window. She took in the amazingly serene view, but what caught her breath was the sight of him in the paddock, watching as one of his students rode one of his magnificent horses.

He looked like he was right where he belonged.

Her heart sank, realizing that _this_ was where she belonged as well, but how could she stay? He had no recollection of their formal life together, and the thought that he may never remember made her hyperventilate. She touched her belly and tears stung her eyes. What of their baby? How could he even wrap his mind around it?

She snapped back to reality when she heard a shriek and saw that the horse had thrown the student off the saddle. She immediately grabbed the shorts James had left her the previous night and ran downstairs and out the door towards the paddock.

He saw her running towards them and cleared the way so she could tend to the young girl that had fallen on her back and was struggling for air “I’m calling an ambulance”

“It’s alright, you’re alright” Claire said cradling her head and reassuring her. She knew the only thing to do was to deliver oxygen, and all _she_ could do was calm the patient “Relax, try to calm down, focus on your breathing, help will be here soon”

Claire was stunned to see an ambulance approach in what seemed like mere minutes, and she was pushed aside as paramedics tended to the young girl. They pulled out of the back of the ambulance machines she’d never seen before, she looked at it all quizzically and clutched her shirt to her heart tightly.

“What’s yer name, lass?”

The young girl gulped

“Easy, easy, focus on breathing, only talk if you can”

“It’s Ann Simmons”

“Nice to meet ye, Ann” one of the paramedics smiled “And could ye tell us, how many fingers I’m holding up?”

“Three”

“Good lass. What’s the date today?”

“17th of April, 2020”

“Alright. No signs of concussion. We’ll still take ye in to monitor yer vitals and keep ye on oxygen for a bit, alright? A chest x-ray couldn’t hurt either. But from the looks of it it’s just been a nasty fall” the paramedic reassured her, smiling kindly

“Thank Christ” Jamie uttered

Claire was in shock. _2020?!_ How was that even possible?

“You did great, lass” Jamie said softly after the ambulance left

She nodded and he furrowed his brows “Hey, it’s alright.” She seemed really shook. “Yer colleagues were great, as well. The lass will be fine”

She gulped and blinked a few times, still trying to wrap her head around the notion that, once again, she was in a foreign time, once again with no earthly belongings of herself and no way to prove her identity.

“’Twas my fault, anyway” he muttered

She furrowed her brows “I’m sure there are accidents, even under vigilant eyes of an instructor”

“This was no accident. I could’ve prevented it. But I was... distracted”

She grimaced “Oh, Jamie... “she went to touch his cheek but caught herself in time “Don’t blame yourself. Besides, the girl is alright”

He nodded but she knew he didn’t believe it, and was blaming himself. She then felt his eyes burn through the fabric of the sheer white shirt and felt herself begin to burn up under his gaze, her nipples hardening instantly.

He blinked forcefully a few times and slightly shook his head, turning it away from her “How about some breakfast? Or brunch, more likely”

“Brunch?” she followed him towards the entrance

“Ye know. Breakfast and lunch- brunch?”

“Oh” she smiled “Sounds lovely” she cleared her throat once he closed the door behind them “I’m sorry, I’m not really dying to put that dress back on, do you mind terribly?”

He chuckled and took a few deep breaths heading towards the kitchen “Och, I dinna mind at all, lass” he said almost whimsically

She sat down at the dining table and watched as he kept opening pantries and the refrigerator, marveling at all the unusual things. He’d informed her he’d be making guacamole, and she confessed to never having had it, earning a look of surprise from James.

“Well, get ready to have yer socks rocked off”

She giggled “I’m not wearing any” she pointed out, wiggling her toes

He looked at her toes and then scanned his way up her bare legs, clearing his throat “No, ye’re definitely not”

She blushed again, so unlike herself. She’d have thought nothing Jamie could say or do would make her blush like a schoolgirl anymore, especially after everything they’d shared together in bed, but somehow he was making her squirm in her seat, her skin on fire.

When the infamous guacamole was served, she rolled her eyes to the back of her head in pleasure, moaning audibly. Truthfully, she could’ve eaten _anything_ considering how famished she was, but after a few bites she realized it was actually more than appetizing. She finally looked over at James who was sitting across the dining table, ogling her.

“This is incredible” she managed a smile

He nodded and his eyes turned a darker shade of blue, and her heart skipped a beat.

“I’m sure my socks would definitely be rocked off... were I wearing any”

“Och, I’m sure they would” he murmured and her skin turned to a thousand goosebumps

He finally had a few bites to eat but she noticed that he wasn’t taking his eyes off her, and she squirmed in her seat, not knowing what to say or do, but definitely knowing what she _wanted_ to say _and_ do.

Finally she cleared her throat “Let me take a look at your cuts”

He pushed his chair away from the table leaving room for her to approach him better, his eyes now level to those nipples that kept stubbornly poking through his tshirt. 

She took his hand in hers and slowly removed the gauze, careful not to pull on his skin where the blood had dried up. She could feel his warm, labored breath against her breasts, the sheer cotton fabric a mere illusion between them. Her eyes averted from his fingers carefully towards his lap, and her breath caught seeing just how aroused he was as well, the outline of his hard cock clearly visible through the bluejeans he was wearing.

“Maybe...” he began, his voice chocked, and then clearing his throat “Maybe we should head into town, check on Ann, see if she’s still held up at the hospital?”

She stepped away and released his fingers, which were healing nicely and didn’t need bandaging anymore “Of course. I’ll just change” she smiled awkwardly and went upstairs.

She was devastated. What had she been thinking, anyway, that he’d just spread her across the dining table and feast on her, a perfect _stranger,_ for all he knew? She hastily changed into her grubby dress and winced at just how soaked the shorts were. She had no choice but to leave them as they were, on the side of the unmade bed. She was feeling like she was being invited out, albeit politely. James had been a gentleman and offered her shelter for the night, a nice bath, clean clothes, a warm bed, a nourishing breakfast, or what was it?- brunch, but it was time to go, as he’d tastefully indicated a few moments ago, right when she was working up her courage to draw his hand to cup her breasts he was so evidently staring at.

She made her way back downstairs and having not found him inside, she stepped out of the house and into the courtyard. Her breath caught when she saw him hop out of a massive _automobile,_ coming to the side to open the passenger door for her. She forgot about her disappointment momentarily, bracing herself for the sheer joy of seeing Jamie drive, something she’d often fantasized about.

Claire climbed into the vehicle and waited for James to follow suit, staring at the dashboard and everything that felt so incredibly science fiction.

He revved the engine and she yelped, earning a chuckle from him.

“Aye, she’s a wild one” he said petting the steering wheel proudly

“It’s a she?”

“Nae doubt about it. Put on yer seatbelt, lass, ye’re in for a wild ride” he said as he pulled an elastic band over his shoulder and across his toned torso, sticking the end somewhere between their seats.

She fumbled with the side of her seat, mimicking his actions, and eventually he stretched across and grabbed the so-called seatbelt himself, securing it tightly in place, making sure it was tight enough across her chest, his fingers brushing the swell of her breaths over her cleavage. She noticed he reluctantly pulled away before he put the automobile in motion.

In spite of his earlier warning, the ride into town had been incredibly smooth and Claire felt as if she were floating on a cloud, virtually sliding along the road as she would’ve had it been a sleigh coming down the hill on the fluffiest layer of snow. She couldn’t help but stare at James and marvel at how effortlessly he turned the steering wheel, watching as his muscles flexed whenever he gripped the clutch.

The unresolved sexual tension between them was so palpable, _it hurt._

“Do ye maybe... want me to drop ye off at yer place, first, so ye can change?”

She froze, and suddenly the seatbelt felt way too tight across her chest. She fumbled with it, pushing it slightly away from her body as her mind raced, trying to come up with a remotely reasonable answer.

“No, it’s alright... I’ll just borrow something from a fellow nurse at the hospital”

He furrowed his brows, seemingly amused by that notion “Really? Things must’ve changed since last I’ve been to the ER. Gotta say I’ve never seen a nurse quite so... fit, before” he raised an eyebrow, throwing her _a look._

She opened her mouth to say something but it turned into a smile, and she turned her head away to look out the window. _Christ, this man_.

He cleared his voice “I noticed ye know how to ride, yesterday”

Her dirty mind went immediately somewhere else and thus she ended up giving him a puzzled look, but as realization dawned on her she hoped he didn’t catch her initial trail of thought “Yes, I love horses”

“I’d love tae see ye ride when ye’re not having a panic attack”

She looked at him, he was looking at the road, but she could see the faintest smirk in the corner of his lips, and the innuendo was not lost on her. Either that, or her pent up frustration was playing tricks with her mind.

“I’d love to ride your beast” she offered, innocently.

He grinned at that, eyes on the road, but had to shift in his seat quite noticeably.

“It’s a date, then. What say I pick ye up, tomorrow afternoon? Are ye free?”

“Free as can be” she smiled

“What time do ye end yer shift?” he asked her, as he looked around for a parking spot, having reached the hospital. He got out of the car, circling it to her side, helping her out of the car as he waited for her to answer

“Uhm... 5pm. I’ll wait upfront?”

He closed the door behind her “It’s settled then”

She smiled back at him and then fidgeted with her corset “I hope you don’t mind, I’ve just realized I need to be somewhere. Do you mind terribly if you went to check on Ann by yourself? Meet you tomorrow?”

“Och, sure, go on. I’ll be here” he gave her his trademark owlish wink, blinking with both his eyes and she really had to physically pull herself away before she leapt into his arms and demanded she stayed there forever, no matter what he thought about it.

But she reluctantly managed to pull herself away, walking aimlessly, wondering what the bloody hell she was going to do for the next 26 hours, until they met again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (*for the sake of the story, i will absolutely hash out the current pandemic from the reality of 2020. these two already have enough on their plates as it is lol;  
> *also, please note that the Lallybroch estate in the Outlander universe is not synonym with the castle they have used in the show, which is closer to Edinburgh, than this one, which is actually in Inverness. of course there are things that are bound to be inconsistent with reality, as it is -fiction  
> *last but definitely not least, THANK YOU to each and everyone of you. i am so glad to be sharing this with you! ❤️)


	4. Chapter 4

Claire wandered around Inverness aimlessly, her mind racing, not being able to come up with a solid plan as to what she was to do with herself. She was utterly _alone_ and this reality seemed even more foreign to her than the 18th century had. She realized that although everything was certainly more familiar now and less of a cultural shock than it had been going back in time, the 21st century felt colder, harsher, and the reality was that it was entirely more difficult for her to navigate these modern times than it had been for her in the past. She’d gone by the name of Claire Beauchamp, her own maiden name, even though she’d been a Randall by then, and nobody could prove otherwise. It was her word against the Mackenzies that thought her to be a british spy. No birth certificate, no legal paperwork to backup her story, and she’d relied on her own knowledge of history and what she knew from Frank to fit into the 18th century way of life. But she knew nothing of 2020 and what all had happened since her departure in 1945. She felt more alone than ever.

She couldn’t help but winch at how _loud_ everything was. The streets were incredibly busy, the traffic was absolute madness, she’d never seen so many automobiles on the road, everybody seemed to be in a hurry. People dressed extremely casual, she could’ve sworn some of them had stepped out in their pajamas, no less. And then there was music _everywhere._ She’d seen lots of people talk into similar rectangular objects, and as hard as it was for her to wrap her mind around it, she figured they must’ve been some sort of telephones.

Coming from the 18th century, even the men training for battle had felt less loud and agitated in comparison. Hell, she’d been a combat nurse in the middle of a genuine war and her anxiety back then was alarmingly comparable to what she was feeling now.

Her heart sunk as she made the decision, but unfortunately there was no other option. She clutched the scotch pearls to her chest and prayed that she would be able to buy them back as soon as possible, and entered a pawn shop.

She was clueless about their value, and most importantly, she had no idea what a pound could buy her in 2020. When the pawnshop owner offered her 200 pounds, she didn’t know whether that was a fair price, but she decided to visit another shop and compare the sum she would be offered. She ended up visiting a number of establishments, all offering her around the same amount, and she took the highest offer of 230 pounds. After insisting that she’d forgotten her identity card at home, earning a raised eyebrow from the man at the counter, she eventually got her money, made a mental note of the shop’s name and address and prayed she could _somehow_ come back as soon as possible to buy the pearls back, hoping they wouldn’t get sold in the meanwhile.

The sun was setting and she needed to find a place to stay, she couldn’t very well sleep on the streets. She walked into the first inn and asked for lodging. Her world was shattered yet again upon learning that the cheapest room would cost her 80 pounds, _per night._

She of course tried different inns, but was not surprised to learn that she was not going to find anything cheaper.

She couldn’t very well spend almost half her small fortune on a single night’s accommodation. She felt adrift, she was absolutely clueless about what to do next. She decided to at least buy herself clothes that would spare her people’s incessant staring.

She felt too tired to try and compare prices from different stores, this time buying the first pair of bluejeans she tried on that fit, and a white “t-shirt”, as she’d seen on the tag the proper name for the item was, the kind James seemed to enjoy sporting. Having tried on denims for the first time, she quite enjoyed the feel of them, and was surprised to find that her arse looked rather plump in them too, examining herself in the opposing mirrors in the fitting room. Despite her malnourishment, her backside was not giving up without a fight, seemingly.

The shoes didn’t go at all though, and she had to scan the store for a decent pair that would preferably not hurt her feet nor her budget. Pumps were out of the question, and so she went for a more casual pair of flats.

She was in dire need of undergarments, having not worn a brassiere or panties for 3 years, and upon seeing the pricetags on the lacey bits, she decided to skip the bra and just buy herself a few pairs of plain cotton panties. Her budget was down to the very last pounds, and she decided to spend them on a large handbag in which she could fit her old dress and shoes, not ready to part with the last remnants of her past life, and a cardigan, which would hopefully keep her warm enough in the crisp April evenings.

She headed towards the cash register and the young employee smiled and waited awkwardly as Claire placed the money on the counter, politely smiling back.

“Hi! Please hand me the items so I can scan them”

“Scan them?... I’m wearing almost everything I was about to buy... I was meaning to ask you about these plastic attachments...” she fumbled with the fabric of her clothes and the lady just stared at her all the while, incredulously

“Yeah, I’m gonna need you to take them off, please, so that I can scan them and also remove the anti-theft tags. Next, please!”

Claire stepped out of the queue and reluctantly went back to the fitting room, changing back into her old dress and shoes and then waiting in line again, with everyone staring at her once more.

The young lady widened her eyes upon seeing her, but whatever had been going through her mind she’d kept to herself, and once Claire finally paid for her items, she rushed out of the store and into the bathroom of the complex in which the store was located, to change once more back into her new clothing.

As soon as she stepped outside, she hugged her cardigan close to her body, already missing the warmth of her woolen dress and underthings. She wondered whether she could also pawn that. Or maybe she could find a museum that would be interested.

By now, Claire felt absolutely desperate. She was once more penniless, there was no money left for food, and she still had no place to sleep for the night. She was not oblivious to the fact that although men of the 18th century definitely were more... primal, in a way, they took things like honor seriously. Most of them, at least. She’d felt safe even amongst drunk highlanders, she’d felt safe back in her own time amongst soldiers that’d been away from home for too long and were looking to distract themselves from the prospect of imminent death, but she definitely didn’t feel safe out on the streets amongst men that appeared to be more civilized- her instincts screamed otherwise. She’d caught men ogling her, she’d even thought a few had followed her for a while. Maybe it was just paranoia, maybe she was just exhausted and her mind was playing tricks on her, maybe she’d grown so used to Jamie being there, protecting her, sheltering her from all evil, that she’d forgotten what it was like to be a single woman out on her own, watching her back.

She remembered when she’d felt desperate before, and how she’d found solace. When Jamie was ready to give up and die, the abbey had been her refuge. When she’d lost Faith, L'Hôpital des Anges was her sanctuary. Now, as she stood on the steps of a church, she crossed herself and made her way to a pew, way in the back, where she could pray and ask God for guidance. She came to the realization that going back in time had not only resulted in her finding Jamie, but she’d also found God. And if she was right and she hadn’t lost Jamie, she was certain she wouldn’t lose God either. She put all her trust in Him to give her the strength and wisdom to find her way back to Jamie, and she prayed incessantly until sleep prevailed.

The next morning, her body was stiff, having slept curled to her side in the church’s pew, trying to sit as still as possible, lest anyone saw her and admonished her for sleeping in a church. She was sure that must’ve been some kind of sacrament, she could almost hear Jamie scolding her for even considering it. That’s why, as soon as she woke up at the crack of daylight that was shining through the church’s stained glass, she quickly scrambled outside.

She used a public restroom to freshen up and then decided to head for the public library to look up as much as she could about the battle of Culloden. She needed to make sure that James was right. If there was any chance Jamie was still back in the 18th century, _alive,_ then her next stop would be Craigh Na Dun. This was just for her piece of mind, because her heart- her _heart knew._ Jamie had kept his promise, he’d found her, and she’d found him. But he just didn’t know it yet. She knew there had to be a reason why the stones had thrown her into the 21st century, and not back to Frank. She knew nothing was a coincidence. And above all, she _knew_ Jamie, her soul could recognize his anywhere, anytime.

She spent her time in the library, reading everything she could get her hands on about Culloden. She’d read multiple sources, all adamant that not a single Jacobite had survived. Her heart was conflicted, the knowledge that Jamie had fought and died in battle unbearable. But he’d died for his country, for what he believed in, he’d died for a just cause, doomed as it was. And somehow, he’d made it. He’d kept his promise. He was right there, waiting for her. She glanced at the clock on the wall once more, eager to see him again. Her heart skipped, thinking about him, and it also sunk, dreading the possibility that he might not remember her. She didn’t even want to ponder that possibility, but she acknowledged it on a subconscious level, nonetheless.

With a few more hours to spare, she decided to do a research on the Fraser family tree, see how Lallybroch had ended up without an heir, and of course, double check on Jamie.

She was surprised to be able to access all that information for free, and with the help of the librarians who even used a machinery that prompted photographs of legal documents, she’d found out that indeed, the estate stayed in the Murray family just as Jamie had intended with that deed of sasine he had written and she and Murtagh had signed as witnesses. The estate had been under public patrimony since 1967, after the family had failed to secure a successor, already in dire condition and having not been used as a residence for several years prior. No trace of Jamie, no trace of the Fraser name, only Murrays for a good few generations and then other names she didn’t recognize, probably due to daughters marrying into other families.

She kept glancing at the clock, and finally with half an hour to 5pm, she thanked the kind librarians that had been patient and genuinely helpful, and made her way towards the hospital. With no way to tell time, she just placed herself in front of the Hospital’s main entrance and waited.

She grew restless, beginning to wonder if he’d chosen not to show up, she even asked someone passing by for the time and was told it was a nearly a quarter past 5, and her heart sunk, beginning to fear in earnest that he’d not come.

“Claire?”

She almost didn’t hear him, her mind racing with infinite scenarios where he didn’t show up, but when he touched her shoulder and she turned around, startled, she was relieved to see him.

“Sorry” she smiled “I... I didn’t see you coming, I must’ve been daydreaming” _More like nightmares than dreams,_ but she kept that detail to herself.

He searched her face and she couldn’t quite read his expression. Jamie could always put on a poker face that even she couldn’t decipher when he really wanted to. Now was apparently one of those times. She furrowed her brows “Is something the matter?”

He exhaled and gave her a lopsided smile “Nah. Are ye ready, then?”

She nodded and grinned, her heart finally at ease. He was here now, and nothing could harm her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (*this was a bit of a transitional chapter, and i hope you didn't find it boring, but i think it is quite vital to the story and as we've always been given front row seats into Claire's perspective, i am hoping to emulate that in my own alternate Outlander universe as well.  
> *as always, extremely grateful for your lovely response, you are really feeding my appetite to keep writing this story, know that every input is greatly appreciated! ❤️)


	5. Chapter 5

Claire was over the moon, she could hardly keep her eyes off James as they drove to Lallybroch. She wanted nothing more than to tell him _everything,_ but she knew she had to pace herself, lest she scared him off and ruined any chance she had at him remembering. Part of her conscience was nagging her, insisting he couldn’t possibly remember something he hadn’t lived, but her heart spoke louder to her, silencing her stupid conscience. Her heart knew better, her heart knew _him._

He was awfully quiet though, and it made her nervous. She kept wondering if something was amiss, but her excitement, seeing him again, put her worries at bay. Finally they reached the estate and he, ever the gentleman, helped her out of the vehicle that was actually quite a climb, most unlike what automobiles she’d been used to back in her time. She was excited to try her hand at driving one of these newer models, but didn’t dare ask James if he was willing to let her, plus she didn’t want to risk making a fool of herself, not knowing if she could even take on such a daring task, what with all the unknown features she couldn’t possibly figure out on her own.

“What’d ye got in there, lass? Looks like it weighs a ton! Are ye carrying yer whole house with ye, Marry Poppins style?” he chuckled, ogling her oversized bag, that unbeknownst to him, did in fact contain all of her earthly belongings.

“Ah, just... women’s things”

“Ahhh, so it’s a genuine Pandora’s box. Best not poke at it, then, aye?” he smiled and she grinned in return. God, she missed him. Even standing right next to him, she ached for him. It took all of her self control to stay in character and pretend she wasn’t his wife, blood of his blood and bone of his bone, who, even more unbeknownst to him, desperately needed him. At least, she hoped it wasn’t too obvious.

“Ok, here’s the deal. I don’t normally let anyone ride Donas, but ye’ll be the exception, as I think ye can manage him. And also, as I recall, ye did say ye’d love to _ride my beast_ ” he wiggled his eyebrows and Claire would’ve laughed and potentially blushed, had she not been shocked to hear the name he’d given his horse. “Having second thoughts?” he grinned mischievously

“Not at all” she snapped out of it and hoped Donas was indeed similar to the Donas she once knew, not just in name. She could, in fact, ride Jamie’s horse quite decently. No easy feat, that. With that in mind, she braved herself to take on this new challenge and let James escort her to the stables where his Donas was waiting eagerly, so it seemed.

“Jokes aside, lass, ye don’t have to do this if ye don’t want to” he said, softly, reaching to pet the horse’s mane

“Oh, I want to. I love riding. And I’m sure _Donas_ will let me master him”

“Och, easy there lass, don’t ye go on getting the wrong idea, now” he chuckled and she smirked “Donas has but one master, and that’s me”

“Care for a demonstration, then?”

James’ brows shot up “Sure”. Claire watched as James mounted and was fascinated to see him ride the horse like a proper equestrian. Jamie had been a natural horseman but he mastered the horse differently than James did. He’d been rough and unpretentious, gentle when need be but mostly mastering the horse to serve him blindly. James, on the other hand, had very polished movements, practiced to perfection, and she marveled at how symbiotic his bond with Donas looked. Flawless. She didn’t know which version she preferred, both were breathtaking.

She watched him dismount and almost pouted, she’d loved Jamie’s style, a warrior’s dismount, he’d told her. But James made it look entirely effortless and refined, she just couldn’t help biting her lower lip slightly.

“Well, then” he approached her “What’s the verdict?”

“That you’re in for a sour disappointment, I’m afraid. You’re clearly a professional”

“I won’t be disappointed lass, I see inexperienced students everyday, and I’ve seen ye on a horse, for a short while and behind me, admittedly “he chuckled “but still, I’ve seen enough tae know. Ye’re a born rider. As for yer second observation, I am a professional, tis not just a hobby, ken. Donas and I have won our fair share of prizes over the years, have we no, _beast_?” he playfully patted the horse

“What exactly do you do? Is it eventing?”

“We’ve done our fair share of eventing, aye. But for the most part it’s been polo”

“Oh, goodness. Well” she muttered under her breath “that explains those muscles”

James laughed wholeheartedly “Aye, it’s quite physically demanding. Ye’re quite fit yerself, albeit a bit on the slim side, for my taste at least”

She huffed “Who ever asked about _your_ taste, pray tell?”

“Dinna get me wrong, I can see potential in ye to reach perfection” he bent backwards slightly to take a good look at her arse and she gasped

“James Fraser!” she playfully pushed him

“Fraser?” he furrowed his brows smilingly “It’s Malcolm, for one. And did ye really expect me not to say anything about yer arse when ye’ve got those jeans plastered over it?”

“They are not plastered, thank you very much”

“Where’d ye get that idea? Fraser, I mean”

“Oh” her mind raced for a reasonable explanation “I guess I must’ve thought that was your name since you’d first brought me here. I knew Broch Tuarach had belonged to a laird named James Fraser, centuries ago, and ...somehow made that assumption? What?”

He eyed her quizzically “That sounds... way too intricate”

She shrugged, smilingly

“So. I am waiting for _my_ long overdue demonstration”

“Oh, dear” she sighed

“Now, now” he grinned and held the reigns as she mounted.

“Easy, boy” she caressed the horse’s mane and bent over it, getting it familiar with her voice and presence.

James stepped back crossing his arms as she rode away carefully, and after a few leaps in the paddock she took the horse out along the fences in a gallop. She actually enjoyed riding Donas, finding him to be notably less mercurial and a lot more docile. Then again, she’d never ridden Jamie’s Donas the way he had. Jamie really had been his one and true master. This Donas seemed perfectly fine with maybe having a mistress as well. She smiled at that thought and strutted back towards James who was smilingly waiting for her to return. He helped her dismount, and she reluctantly pulled out of his arms, a few steps to the side.

“So? Is the jury out?”

“I’m impressed” he said, genuinely. “Truly. Ye’re a natural. Just as I suspected” he added, more to himself, with a lopsided smile

“Where’s my prize, then?” she beamed, but her breath caught as he didn’t reply, but just stared at her, his eyes turning a few shades darker, his pupils dilating, and his nostrils flaring as his gaze descended to her lips, briefly, but then inhaled and turned to put Donas away

“All in due time, lass. And besides” he smirked, returning “Took me years before I even dreamed of getting any prizes, only seems fair that ye should have to wait a bit”

“Since when have you taken up riding?”

“Och, I was but a wee lad. Began as a stable boy”

“Oh?”

“Aye, I used to not be so good at math. Not that I am, now” he grimaced earning a chuckle from her “but growing up in an orphanage is not exactly proper learning environment, not to mention I had no one to help me with my homework. I wanted to improve my grades, so I offered to help my math teacher with his stables in exchange for private tutoring”

“How old were you, exactly?”

“I’d say about 8-9 years old” he shrugged as they made their way towards the fence. She climbed and sat on it while he leaned against it on his elbow, facing her

“You’re telling me an eight year old took on a job deliberately to improve his school grades?”

“Well, I had no choice. All my colleagues were being tutored, and I had no means to afford it. Public school is not so free nowadays, is it ? There’s always things to buy, parents are supporting their children through it all, financially and otherwise, more so than the system is anymore”

Claire wouldn’t have known about that but she could empathize with him “And since you had no parents...”

He shrugged “I had to manage. That’s what being an orphan comes down to, doesn’t it?”

“Well, my parents died young, but I wasn’t completely on my own, my uncle raised me. It was a pretty uncommon upbringing, but I’ve not had to take on life full stride until later on”

“Well. I don’t believe in coincidences, ken? Things had to happen the way they did for a reason. I took an interest in horses pretty early on, my math teacher had grown fond of me and noticing this, insisted I at least took riding lessons. I signed up for free courses for underprivileged kids at first, my instructor saw potential in me, introduced me to the right people, and the rest, as ye say, is history”

“Well, don’t leave me on a cliffhanger”

“I began dedicating all my free time doing this, and I’ve done it all. Eventing, show jumping, dressage, ye name it, even tried my hand at racing, though that wasn’t my scene. Eventually I earned enough from different competitions that I could afford to invest in polo, which was always what attracted me the most. When I turned 18 I had to leave the orphanage and go on into the world and because of horses I never felt anchorless. Tis been a blessing”

“How was it like” she asked quietly “Growing up in an orphanage?”

“T’was... lonely, I guess” he plucked a blade of grass and twisted it between his fingers, inspecting it”

“Lonely? With so many kids around constantly?”

“Have ye never been lonely in the middle of a crowd?” he raised his eyes to meet hers, and the vulnerability she saw carefully hidden behind them damn near broke her heart, if that was even possible, for it had been broken more times than she cared to remember.

“I have” she whispered, her voice hitching and she let herself get lost in his bottomless blue eyes “How did you lose your parents? Mine died in an automobile accident. I was 5 years old”

“That’s terrible, lass” he paused for a long while “I never knew mine. I know nothing about them, actually”

“How so?”

He shrugged “It’s somewhat of a mystery, I suppose. That’s a nice way to say I’ve been abandoned and left for the wolves”

She gasped “What do you mean?”

“Well, maybe the wolves were a dramatic addition, but the bottom line is that, aye, I’ve been abandoned. I was found on the steps of a church, the nuns there called child protective services and well, as far as I know, the police made inquiries but I had not been reported kidnapped, so off to the orphanage I went. I was a newborn, so the nuns had me baptized first. They chose James because the nun that found me was Spanish and apparently the patron saint of Spain is Saint James. Malcolm is another mystery, never found out who came up with that name and for what reason, but that’s pretty much all I know about how I came tae be”

Claire had no idea what to say to all that, she didn’t want to look like she was prying but she needed to know all she could while on the subject “Did you ever try and find out, more recently, I mean?”

He huffed, throwing the blade of grass away “Aye, I did, actually. DNA testing and all that. There was no feedback. Nobody’s looking for their long lost child” he smiled at her, the saddest, fakest smile she’d ever seen him plaster across his face. Her heart sunk. She also made a mental note to find info on this DNA testing that spiked her medical interest.

“I’m so sorry, Jamie”

“Ye keep calling me that” his smile turned genuine, his eyes softening

“Do you want me to stop doing that?”

“No. I... like it. I’ve my own private name for ye as well, ken” he said softly, lowering his gaze to her lips once again

“Oh? Care to share?”

“I shouldn’t” his look turned serious, still focusing on her lips “Ye’ll maybe take offense to it. It’s not meant derogatory”

“Try me” she whispered

His lips curled in a lopsided smile and the anticipation made her slightly dizzy, for she knew what he’d had in mind. Still, when she heard him say it, what felt like an electric shock travelled down her spine and right to her aching core “Sassenach.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (* i know... i am killing the suspense with these way too frequent updates, but i just HAD to share this chapter, the anticipation was killing me! i really hope you like it! as always, do let me know your thoughts on it ❤️  
> *also, please forgive my blatant lack of knowledge of anything horses-related. i hope i didn't make all of you that have even the tiniest clue about equestrianism cringe. i tried to do some research the best i could, but it's really an alien subject for me. apologies!)


	6. Chapter 6

Jamie had always told her that her face was like an open book, her thoughts, and feelings, even, plain as day across her features. She noticed his eyes darken considerably and she knew he could tell exactly what she thought about him calling her that.

“Ye’re not offended” he hummed, a smile dancing on his lips

She smiled back, and he lowered his gaze, focusing on his fingers which were now drumming over the edge of the fence “Are ye, then? A Sassenach? Hard to tell a Scot from a Brit nowadays. Yer posh accent does give ye away, though”

“Posh accent” she rolled her eyes, accentuating her accent deliberately “Hardly. And what about your accent?”

“Och I can switch on my British accent anytime I want, dinna ye worry”

“Oh I’d love to hear you try” she muffled a laugh

“I’ll save that for another time” he gave her another owlish wink and she laughed in earnest now, not holding back “Ye’re not from around here, though, are ye?”

The way he’d sneakily eased that question into the conversation sent her spiraling, trust Jamie to extort whatever piece of information he was after without his victim ever suspecting it. She tried to save face and appear unfazed “I’m not really from anywhere, to be honest. My uncle had turned me into quite the globe trotter by the time I turned 18. I have no roots”

“But ye’re not working as a nurse at the hospital” he raised an eyebrow, locking her gaze and she knew the jig was up. There was no use trying to extricate herself from that one

“I never said I was”

He clicked his tongue and smirked to himself “Ye didn’t correct me either, though. Ye even told me ye’d borrow clothes from one of yer fellow nurses to change into”

“Jamie...”

“Claire, I know there are thing ye dinna wish to tell me. But I have one thing to ask of ye. Honesty. When ye do tell me something, let it be the truth. And I’ll promise ye the same”

Claire stared at him, her heart beating frantically. She knew she had some explaining to do, but right now what mattered was the incredible feeling of Jamie coming back to her. _That’s it, darling. It’s you, it really is you._ She fought off tears of happiness and she looked away, afraid to startle him, but it was too late. He quickly moved to her other side, locking her gaze “Lass... forgive me. It’s yer life, yer own business. Who am I tae intrude?”

“No, no, you’re right. You’re right, it’s just... a delicate subject” she tried to steer the conversation, hoping that one day he’d forgive her for playing with the truth. But the bottom line was that _it was_ the truth, just slightly altered, to explain her predicament which she couldn’t possibly divulge to him, not yet. She couldn’t risk telling him the whole truth and have him running for the hills. No, she had to pace herself. She took a deep breath, steadying herself “You see... I ran away, I’ve... left my husband. He used to work for the Secret Services... and to make sure he couldn’t trace me, I had to leave it all behind, and simply go missing. As a result, I’m afraid I now have nothing to my name, not even my identity card. I’m penniless and quite frankly, homeless. I left with nothing but the shirt on my back.”

James stared at her, his face a perfect poker face “Why not just file for divorce?”

She exhaled audibly “You don’t know Frank, he’s not the kind to give up”

“What makes ye think he’ll give up looking for ye? Especially since he thinks ye’re missing, and possibly in danger”

She fumbled with the hem of her cardigan, averting her eyes “I know it wasn’t the smartest decision, but it was something I did in the heat of the moment, and it’s too late to go back and do it differently”

“Lass...”

“I know you mean well. But as I said, you don’t know Frank. I don’t know how I could’ve ever managed to break free, otherwise. It’s a bit extreme, I know... and it’s got me in quite a pickle” she chuckled nervously “but I don’t regret it. It’s done now. And I just have to live with my decision and its consequences” she straightened, once more looking at him

“Did he beat ye?” he asked gravely

“No. It wasn’t like that”

He drummed his fingers against the fence “Wait. This all must’ve been quite recent, is this... is this why ye were having a panic attack the other day?”

She nodded, too afraid to talk, lest her voice betray her

“So when ye told me ye’d borrow something from a fellow nurse... was it so that I wouldn’t find out ye actually had no home to go to in order to change yer clothes?”

She shrugged, wedging her hands between her thighs

“Christ, Claire” he furrowed his brows searching her eyes “Ye’re a brave wee thing”

That did her in, and before she could do anything to stop herself she broke off in tears, her shoulders shaking violently. James pulled her off the fence and straight into his arms, cradling her head against his chest. She let herself go to pieces in his arms, telling him in her mind everything she couldn’t tell him out loud. She admonished herself for being so weak , but she found she simply could not reign her feelings in. She’d gone through too much, she’d been alone, afraid, she’d been desperate. She needed him, and he was right there.

When her tears were spent, she tried to compose herself, but she was feeling extremely lightheaded, and he certainly noticed she couldn’t catch her footing.

“Let’s get ye inside, lass. I forgot to feed ye the other night, forgetting ye’d refused just the tea and not the food. I berated myself when it dawned on me, but ye were already asleep on the sofa, and then...well. Let me make it up to ye” he smiled and she knew he was trying not to make her feel pitied. But she knew he must’ve. She’d just admitted to having been penniless, homeless, and starving as a direct result.

She didn’t argue when James informed her he’d be ordering takeout, whatever that was, she’d have it and gladly. She was quite literally famished and she feared for the wellbeing of her baby she was carrying _. Their baby_. The thought made her smile for the first time since she’d realized she was pregnant, which was just two days prior. It seemed like a lifetime ago, but as she’d quite literally traveled through centuries, she allowed herself not to dwell on that.

“I’ll draw ye a bath till the food gets here, how does that sound?”

She smiled and nodded, and was left by herself for a brief few minutes. James was acting as if she were made of glass, and she didn’t know what to say to put him at ease. She worried she’d ruined everything with her revelation. It _had_ been the truth, for the most part. Frank wasn’t the heartless monster she’d coined him to be, and she did in fact feel a bit guilty about that, but it had been the best she could come up with, and now she had to stick to her story.

She hoped the day would come, soon, when she could tell him the whole truth. Guilt was eating at her, for he’d asked for honesty, not once, but twice already.

She tried to put those thoughts aside, and luckily, _takeout_ had arrived and she couldn’t care less what it was, though she did pretend to listen to his explanations regarding what each of the plastic wrappings contained.

“The food arrived earlier than I expected. Do ye still care for that bath?”

“I’m a bit... worried I might fall asleep in the tub, to be honest”

“I’ve thought of that, too. Best get ye tae bed, then, aye?”

She bit her lower lip “Jamie... this is all awfully nice of you. But you don’t have to do this. I didn’t tell you all that so you’d treat me as ... as a charity case. I assure you, I’m alright, I’m figuring it out... one day at a time. I’ll be fine” she smiled weakly and he just scowled at her, his arms crossed

“Are ye quite finished?”

She sighed “Jamie...”

“Claire, did I no just ask ye for honesty mere minutes ago? Will ye no grant me that? We have nothing now between us, save---respect, perhaps. And I think that respect has maybe room for secrets, but not for lies. Do ye agree?”

That had sobered her up quite effectively, for she was sure he’d said those exact words to her once before. She decided to cut the pretense and let him take care of her, as she knew he must’ve felt like he needed to do right down to the very marrow of his bones.

She stood up and nodded, and he smiled “Up ye go then” he whispered gesturing with his head towards the staircase and as she made her way upstairs, she felt better at least knowing that he was definitely staring at her arse.


	7. Chapter 7

Claire was surprised to see the tshirt and shorts she’d worn the other night placed neatly on the bed, the bedding having been made, though, meaning he’d definitely at least been in the master bedroom and most probably slept in his own bed after her departure. That didn’t explain the clothes she’s worn still being there. She sniffed the fabric and as per her expectation, it smelled like herself. Shrugging, she stripped her own new clothes and opted again for just the tshirt, and then bit her lip remembering having woken up half naked, with her door left ajar, no less. She tiptoed towards the door and decided for a repeat performance. Jamie had always had a soft spot for her round arse and it was a card she was more than happy to play, especially since _James_ was definitely not indifferent to it.

She perked her ears as she heard footsteps in the hallway, and realized he’d decided to take the bath himself. She fought the urge to go spy on him, she needed to see him in a visceral way, her pregnancy was throwing her hormones off the charts, and she knew from her previous pregnancy that it was only about to get much worse, her libido spiking, much to Jamie’ contentment.

When he finally stepped out of the bathroom she listened carefully and realized he’d left his door open as well, and before she could catch herself, she hopped out of the bed and tiptoed towards the door, peeking from behind it, hoping the darkness would conceal her and by some work of divine intervention in mercy of her aching ... heart, reveal his glorious body.

And if Claire had ever had any doubts regarding her faith, now she knew she could say without any shadow of a doubt that God _did_ exist and _was_ merciful. Jamie was wearing nothing but a towel that hung low on his hips, but before she could try and coin it from memory, the concealed part of his body was suddenly revealed as he tossed the towel to the side and walked across the room, looking into his dresser.

At first it didn’t register, but as he rummaged through his dresser it finally downed on her, eliciting a surprised gasp.

She froze, mortified, realizing he must’ve heard her. She appreciated him taking a moment to pull on a pair of briefs before turning around. She couldn’t read his expression, the dark and the fair distance between them making it difficult to tell what his reaction was to her spying on him in a state of undress.

“Did ye want something, lass?” he finally asked, huskily

She gulped “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry. It felt wrong to go to bed without thanking you first... and before I realized I was invading your privacy...”

“Nae, Claire, don’t apologize. I guess I’m not quite used to having someone else in the house, ken? Walking around naked, I’m the one being insensible here”

They stared at eachother for a long while from across the hall and finally, Jamie broke the silence in a low voice “Besides, you’re not the first one to pry”

“Oh?”

“I admit to having not averted my eyes when I should have had. I walked out of the room yesterday morning and yer door was left ajar... and... well. It’s been sitting on my conscience. I canna possibly let ye feel guilty of prying when I’ve done the same, albeit unintentionally”

She recalled once more the way she’d woken up the previous morning, her tshirt hiked up over her hips, wearing nothing else having been used to sleeping only in her shift.

“Alright, then I have a confession to make, myself” she finally said in a small voice

He took a few steps closer, waiting, but she didn’t budge, still hiding behind her door

“You asked for honesty. So I’m being honest. I admit that... I wasn’t exactly looking to thank you just now”

He slowly crossed the hall and was standing on the other side of her door “I have another confession, then”

“Oh?” she was quite visibly panting in anticipation

“I wouldn’t have lingered had I known ye were married. The fact that ye are, makes it even worse that I did”

She hadn’t expected that. She could see him clearly now, his dark blue eyes filled with restrained lust.

“But I’m not”

He made a low sound in his chest, a deep chuckle that almost morphed into a growl “Och, but ye are”

“Not in any way that matters, I’m not”

“Ye made a vow before God” his brows furrowed “Does that not amount to anything?”

She hadn’t felt guilt over Frank in a long while. How was it possible that she would now after so long? Her mouth agape, she struggled for words.

“It’s not my place to question ye, and I am not judging ye, Claire. But I canna let this go on in good conscience, not like this. I canna be the other man”

Her eyes widened at his revelation, it was one thing to feel the connection between them and another thing entirely to acknowledge it openly.

“Jamie...”

He took a step back, as she took one further, putting distance between them, visibly fighting for restraint.

“Good night, Claire”

When she didn’t reply, he slowly turned around and entered his room, this time closing it behind him all the way.

Claire didn’t know whether to feel mortified, angry, insulted, or even more in love with him if possible for being such an honorable man. To him, she was married. To Jamie, she’d been a widow. Quite the difference _. Bloody stubborn Scot!_

She didn’t know how to feel, except mightily frustrated. She closed her door and plopped herself on the bed, throwing her limbs to and fro in desperation. Why, why had she gone with that running away from Frank scenario, _stupid, stupid!_

Calming down slightly, she stilled and a smile managed to make way to her lips once more, recalling the sight of James’ bare back. The perfectly smooth expanse of his skin. Tears stung her eyes knowing he’d been spared the pain and suffering of his previous life. That thought brought her peace and thus she managed to fall asleep, shame, anger and frustration aside.

Shame crept its way back at the crack of morning, though. She felt ridiculous for feeling ashamed of admitting to her own husband of having spied on his nakedness, and even more ashamed of his remark for having no consideration for her wedding vows to Frank. She couldn’t hide under the covers forever, though, and so decided to go take a shower and then go search for him around the estate, having checked the stables from her window and seeing no sign of him there.

She searched the house, careful not to step anymore boundaries, but there was no sign of him. She stepped outside and went to the stables, greeted the horses and took her time petting them, grooming them, but again, careful not to overstep. They were a bit restless, a storm was threatening to break.

Still no sign of Jamie and so, Claire wandered off, taking in the beautiful landscape surrounding the property. It was the only part that had remained more or less unperturbed over the centuries, thankfully. She closed her eyes and tried to conjure the spirits of those who’d lived there and been her family for the past years. She asked for their help, their guidance. She didn’t know how to find her way back to Jamie, how to make him remember, how to make him believe her. She felt like she’d ruined everything with her Frank story, if only she’d left that out. She kicked herself for being so reckless. She could hear the thunders getting louder and louder, knowing the storm was getting closer. She took a deep breath and braved herself to open her eyes again. When she turned around towards the way back to the house, she saw James looking at her. She stopped in her tracks, not knowing what to do, how to approach him after the previous night.

He eventually smiled at her and she reciprocated, albeit halfheartedly. They both closed in the distance between them, carefully

“Good morning” they both said simultaneously earning a chuckle from the other, and the awkwardness lifted, slightly

“Did ye sleep well?”

She lowered her gaze “Beats sleeping in a church pew”

The humor left his eyes slowly, a more serious look of worry replacing it

“Don’t worry, I don’t normally go about disregarding religious moral codes”

“Lass...”

“Jamie I want you to know that I never intended to put you in a position where you felt you were doing anything immoral. But I understand if you can’t really get where I’m coming from regarding my... marriage. It’s a closed chapter for me and it’s as final as it would be if Frank were dead and I were a widow. That’s the only analogy I can come up with, although I’m sure that must feel even more scandalous to you-“

“Claire-“

“No, please, I need to say this. I won’t revisit the subject again, so please, hear me out. Frank is someone I’ve chosen not to be with anymore, for reasons that I take very seriously” she paused, as rain started pouring heavily, and she raised her voice to cover it “The decision to leave him was not taken lightly. The way I went about leaving him _was_ the only way, regardless if you believe me or not. It may not be the easiest way, but believe me when I say, it _was_ the _only way._ I left my whole life behind, my whole _identity_ when I decided to leave him, so, trust me. It wasn’t easy. But having done that, I will not let it all be for nothing. I’m sticking to my decision and will not ever contact him again. So, there will never be an official divorce. If that makes you fell... uncomfortable, in any way, and I’m not trying to be presumptuous here, mind you, then let me know and I’ll be out of your hair. But I won’t pretend I don’t feel whatever it is between is... and after last night, I think neither can you”

James stared at her for a while, mouth slightly agape, as rain plastered his longish hair to his face and he blinked rapidly to fight off the heavy droplets. She didn’t get to see Jamie at a loss for words all that often, and thus felt quite happy with her little monologue, if not scared that he’d actually tell her to make herself scarce, her _and_ her immoral round arse, and leave him be in peace.

“Is it usual?” he finally said, softly

“Pardon?”

“What it is between us. Is it usual?” he didn’t try to raise his voice, the rain a safe buffer between his raw emotions laid out on display and her

She smiled, keeping her heart in reign “No. No, this isn’t usual”

He nodded and whispered “I thought so”

She knew she shouldn’t push him but couldn’t stop herself “So... are you ok with... things the way they are?”

James made a grunting sound that was thoroughly scottish and sighed “I’ll no say I’m happy about it, but I also canna make peace with the thought of letting ye leave with nowhere to go, and nothing to yer name”

Claire whimpered impatiently “What? I told you, I am not a charity case!” she stared him down and moved to walk past him

He followed on her heel “I dinna say ye were. Ye’re twisting my words”

“I don’t think so” she said between her teeth increasing her stride

“Claire!”

She walked inside and slammed the door behind her but he managed to prevent it from hitting him square in the face

She ran up the stairs and to the master bedroom where she scanned the room for her oversized bag, and having found it, grabbed it and turned on her heel just as he reached the door, effectively blocking her way out

“Please step aside, James”

“James, is it?”

She huffed “I’ll not stand in your way any longer, please do me the curtesy of not standing in mine either”

He furrowed his brows “Where’d ye get that notion?”

She grunted “Argh, you bloody scot! Let me pass, you are making this more difficult than it has to be” she tried to sneak her way past him but he blocked her access, his chest now flush against hers as he stepped forward in order to push the door shut behind him

“Ye’re not leaving, Claire”

“What am I now, your prisoner?”  
  
His eyes widened, on the verge of his patience “Prisoner? What has gotten into ye?”

She pushed at his chest with all her might, but James didn’t budge an inch, instead he caught her by the wrists and shook her “Will ye not yield, woman?”

That effectively stopped her struggles and they both panted, plastered to one another, their wet clothes managing to stick them together seamlessly

With no more than a fraction of a second of staring at eachother, their faces mere inches from one another, they simultaneously leaned in for an urgent kiss. There was nothing chaste about it, mouths afire with desire. Their tongues danced with urgency, his fingers made their way into the curls at the nape of her neck, pulling her even closer, his other sliding down her body, tugging at her clothes in its way till he reached her arse and splayed his palm over one of her buttocks, squeezing it hungrily.

She groped at his hair as well, feeling lightheaded from the lack of oxygen, holding on to him for dear life. She hardly registered his other hand reaching her backside as well, lifting her and pulling her legs around his torso as he slowly made his way towards the bed. She could only hear the loud sound of wet, uninhibited kisses, their loud moans and the way they both panted, gasping for air but never pulling away from eachother, the sound of heavy rain hitting the windows in the background.

He splayed her on the bed and was on her in less than a second, his hands roaming over her body, finding their way back to his favorite part of her anatomy eliciting a loud moan from her as he kneaded her arse with firm hands. She opened her eyes and was not surprised to see him stare into hers, he’d often kept his eyes open, taking in the sight of her lost in pleasure. She gazed at him hungrily, never breaking the kiss, and crept her hand down his front and over his jeans until she found _her_ favorite part of his anatomy. His eyes lost focus when she palmed him, stroking him, feeling him grow even harder beneath her palm causing him to groan loudly, and she felt the vibration it created all the way down to her aching core. He raised a hand to her throat, caressing her jawline with his thumb, then her clavicle, and then lower to her breast, making her gasp as he pulled on the cleavage of her tshirt hard enough to free one of her breasts, finally breaking their kiss to bend to her aching nipple, suckling it hungrily

She redoubled her efforts, his jeans an annoying barrier, making it difficult to grope him the way she wanted to, but she could already tell he was close, Jamie’s telltale signs all too familiar to her, pleasuring him an art she’d mastered over the years.

“Wait!” he grabbed her hand, pushing it aside, panting heavily “Wait...”

“What! Why?” she tried to wiggle her hand back but he pinned her wrists above her head and gazed at her, fighting to regain composure, but leaned in to kiss her again. This time, it was less urgent and more languid, taking his time to savor her. She tried to free her hands but he pushed them further into the mattress

“Will ye not yield, woman?” he repeated languidly against her lips, a hint of a smile in his voice “I’m trying to do this right”

She rolled her eyes exasperatedly “You _were_ doing it right!”

He chuckled against her lips “Aye, and I can hardly believe I’m saying this, but we need tae slow down”

She shook her head in denial against his lips and he laughed, kissing along her jawline and playfully biting her earlobe “Be patient” he then whispered in her ear “I’ll make it worth the wait”

She shuddered and grabbed his head, pulling him in for another urgent kiss. He pulled away eventually, grinning at her, and she pouted. He smiled softly and searched her eyes “Ye’re sae beautiful, mo neighean donn”

She closed her eyes, relief washing over her, and when she opened them she looked at him through glassy eyes, smiling at him, reaching to caress his face

He gave her a puzzled look “Ye have the Gàidhlig then?”

“God, no” she chuckled “But I know some, and I know _that_ ” she sighed contentedly “A rather dull color, brown, though” she added as she toyed with one of his brilliant red curls

“No, not dull at all. It's like the water in a burn, the way it ruffles down the rocks. Dark in the wavy spots, with wee bits of auburn when the sun touches it”

Her breath caught and her heart was threatening to burst from happiness. She gave him a chaste kiss, never breaking their gaze, silently agreeing with his intention to slow down a bit. She’d wait for him forever if she had to. She already had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (whoops, forgot to mention it was NSFW. didn't want to spoil the surprise hehe. was it worth the wait, Sssssassenachs? )


	8. Chapter 8

“We’re stranded here, I’m afraid. Canna even order takeout” James said, looking out the window, the storm not showing any signs of dying down.

“I’m perfectly fine with that, if you are”

“Och, I’m more than fine with that” he hummed as she sat at the dining table and he leaned against the counter “Doesna help with taking things slow though, does it?” he squinted

She laughed “I guess not. The elements are not in our favor. Whatever shall we do?” she batted her eyelashes innocently

He groaned, pushing himself off the counter “Right. Well, we do need some form of nourishment, so unless ye have any objections to a guacamole repeat...”

“How about I cook, this time?”

He looked her up and down “I’m not sure ye eat on a daily basis, let alone cook. Nah, guacamole won’t do, ye need something more...filing”

She crossed her arms “Did you just insult me by assuming I can’t cook _and_ telling me yet again that I’m too skinny... how did you put it? For your taste?”

He paused and then nodded “Aye, guess so”

She huffed “If you must know, I do cook, and yes, I may have lost a bit of weight recently... but it wasn’t intentional” she trailed off

“Och lass, I didn’t mean to imply-“

“I know, don’t worry” she sat up and began running through his cupboards “Do you mind?” she caught herself before looking any further

“Please” he gestured “I’ll go full on Gordon Ramsey on ye, though. Consider yerself warned”

She furrowed her brows, but decided not to ask who this Gordon Ramsey fellow was. All in due time.

“Feckin’ hell...”

She turned around and saw him staring down at his rectangular telephone-thingy. “What?”

“This storm really is something else. Some areas really got hit bad. Floods swept away cattle, not too far from here”

She gave him a puzzled look “How do you know that?”

“It’s just here, on the official Inverness page. Somebody posted this video” he unmuted it and turned the display her way

Claire watched in disbelief. What was this sorcery? Surely it wasn’t television, it looked extremely _real,_ the colors vibrant and the image fluid as if it were unfolding right before her very eyes, a smaller, scaled version of real life, almost as if looking through a window.

James turned off the display “Dinna fash, lass, I’ve seen worse. They’ll be alright. Canna mess with mother nature, though”

She blinked, snapping out of it “Indeed you can’t”

“So what are we having?” James smiled, placing his large palms on her hips

She smirked mischievously, enjoying the physical contact “How about you tell me what you’d like”

“Anything is borderline innuendo with ye, isn’t it?” he groaned, lowering his gaze to her mouth

She shrugged innocently “I don’t get your meaning”

“Cut the act, Sassenach. And to answer yer question, how about pizza?”

“Pizza?” she grimaced

“It’s kind of universal, don’t tell me ye don’t like pizza” he pulled away “Do ye not like pizza? Are ye _that_ person?”

She laughed “What if I didn’t?”

“That’s kind of a deal breaker” he huffed “See, this is precisely why I wanted tae take things slow” he narrowed his eyes

She pushed him playfully “I don’t _mind_ pizza, I guess I just find it rather... tasteless”

He gave her a puzzled look “What kinda pizza have ye been eating, lass?”

“The only kind there is, I guess?”

“Huh?”

She mirrored his reaction “Huh?”

It was his turn to push her away playfully “Kindly step away from the counter”

“But-“

“I’ll do the cooking, thank ye very much” he announced gravely

“Fine” she shrugged “I’ll just sit back and... admire the view” she sat back on the chair and propped her legs on an opposing chair

“Ye’ll make me nervous, and then it won’t be my fault if it turns out less than perfect”

“I’ll take the risk”

He smiled “No, really, jokes aside. I’ve never cooked for ... _a lady friend_ before. And if ye really don’t feel like pizza-“

“Jamie” she cut him off “I can’t wait to taste your pizza, and I’m glad I’m your first”

James’ ears turned a bright pink shade and Claire didn’t miss it, even through his thick red curls.

“Right” he averted his gaze “Best get on with it. This part is kinda tricky though, I might need some assistance”

“Oh?” she said, pulling herself out of the chair once again and approaching him

“Will ye knead the dough? I’ll measure everything, you just have to knead it”

“Sure”

He grabbed a bowl and took out the yeast, flour and poured some lukewarm water into a cup “Oh, take yer rings off first, we wouldn’t want those getting lost in there”

Claire blinked several times before she looked down to her own hands. The rings. She hadn’t even considered them. Jamie’s of course was out of the question, not only was it invaluable to her, but it probably wasn’t all that valuable to a pawn broker anyway. Frank’s on the other hand... Could she have done it?

“Claire?”

“Yes, of course” she began twisting the rings off her fingers, and after a while managed to slip them both off, placing them on the counter

“Here, I’ll put them over here so we don’t accidentally sweep them off the counter or something” he grabbed the rings and went to place them on a shelf next to a few mugs. She noticed he glanced at them for a moment before returning, the gold band clearly having reminded him of her married state. He cleared his throat “Right. First the flour. We’ll be making sourdough”

“Oh?”

“About 500 grams should do” he placed the bowl on a flat object and touched it a few times, then poured the flour and she leaned in to see numbers appear on said flat object. It seemed to be a scaler. He took the bowl off and the numbers disappeared into thin air “Next, the yeast. We need to activate it first”

Claire watched as he poured the yeast into a cup and added sugar, then using a teaspoon mixed the two together to form a thick paste. He added a bit of water and stared at the mixture for a while. She waited patiently as he seemed to be looking for something “Good to go” he smiled and looked up at her puzzled expression “See there, when wee bubbles form on the surface ye ken it’s alive”

She frowned “How do you know all this?”

“I enjoy cooking” he grimaced “Is that a turn-off?”

“A turn-off?”

“I’d be sad to give up cooking but I’m pretty sure I’d give up most anything ye wouldn’t want me doing, Sassenach” he hummed and bent to give her ear a nibble

She giggled “No, I think it’s great. I’ve just not met a man that enjoyed cooking before, I guess”

“Really, never? Men do make the best chefs, ye know”

“Well, not professionally, I mean”

“Well, I’m glad I’m yer first then” he smiled, tongue in cheek and she smiled back. He added some salt to the flour, poured the yeast over it and then poured the cup of lukewarm water on top “Ready, lass? Here’s the part where ye get dirty” he said huskily

“Alright” she inhaled and pushed her fingers into the squishy mixture. He came behind her and placed a hand on each side of the bowl, holding it in place. She leaned back against his chest slightly and he rested his chin on her shoulder, his breath warm and his eyelashes fluttering against her cheek “Am I doing it right?”

“Put a bit more pressure into it. Work it till it grows firm in yer hands”

“I can’t believe you were complaining about my innuendoes, yours are off the chart”

He chuckled and she could feel his stubble scratch her jaw in a way that sent jolts of pleasure down her spine

“That’s right lass, just like that” he whispered

“You’re such a tease” she gasped “I’ll get you for this, just you wait”

He hummed and proceeded to press into her, effectively rubbing himself against her arse, his arousal more than evident “Jamie...”

“I’m sorry, lass” he sighed “I know it’s not fair, but I canna help myself” he pushed her hair to the side and bent to kiss her neck, eliciting a low moan from her

“Oh, God”

“I want ye, Claire. I want ye so much I can scarcely breathe”

She whimpered, her head thrown back against him, eyes closed in ecstasy as his hands travelled to the sides of her breasts, caressing them through the fabric of her tshirt, his tongue lapping at the spot between her neck and shoulder that had always been one of her favorite erogenous spots.

His touch grew more urgent but then began slowing down as he reached the hem of her tshirt. He leaned his forehead against her shoulder and exhaled shakily, steadying himself “Ye’re killing me”

Claire felt like she _could_ kill him, just then. Working her up like that only to stop “You’re really lucky I’m elbow deep in this dough otherwise that would very much be a possibility”

He pulled away entirely then, she exhaled and pulled her hands out of the dough, washed them thoroughly in the nearby sink and then turned to see him sitting at the dining table, his elbows on the table, his palms supporting his forehead

“Jamie... What’s the matter? Talk to me... why are you fighting this?”

He exhaled audibly averting his gaze “Claire... I’m no looking for a fling. This is not something I take lightly” he looked up at her “I dinna want this to die out before it even starts”

“Me neither! Did you think... that all I wanted was to have some fun and then move on? Jamie... I’m just coming out of a marriage, I’ve been nothing but a faithful wife to my husband and am definitely not in the habit of jumping into bed with near strangers”

“I’ve never implied such a thing!” he clenched his jaw “And I ken well you’re just coming out of a marriage, that’s just the point!”

She crossed her arms “Are you still on about that?”

“Claire, ye dinna even take his ring off”

“What’s that got to do with anything?!”

“It’s got everything to do with all of it!” his eyes widened “What if ye change yer mind? What if ye decide ye want to go back tae him?” he stood up and raised his voice slightly “What if he comes knocking on my door one day demanding explanation as to why his wife is here?!”

She groaned, desperately frustrated to not be able to tell him that none of that could possibly happen, turned on her heel and went upstairs, closing the bedroom’s door behind her audibly.

She plopped in bed and cried silent tears of frustration, desperately tired of this impossible situation.

She woke up, startled to be surrounded by darkness. Her eyes adapted eventually, and realized it must’ve been late afternoon, the cloudy sky making it appear later than it really was. She heard a soft knock on the door realizing that must’ve been what had woken her up from her nap.

“Claire?” when she didn’t reply he sighed “The pizza is getting cold, please will ye come have some?”

She waited for him to retreat downstairs and then finally worked up her courage to follow suit. When she reached the bottom of the stairs he walked over to her

“Claire...”

“What must you be thinking of me?” she hugged her slender frame, looking away

He tilted her chin locking her gaze “That ye’re a woman that knows what she wants and is not afraid to get it” he grew serious “And there’s absolutely nothing wrong about that”

“Please know that I don’t just want a fling, either. I really think there’s something special between us, Jamie”

He smiled softly and reached to take her hands in his

“That is why I’d like you to please drive me off your property”

His face fell and she hurried to add “Clearly staying under the same roof won’t work if we plan to take this slow. I appreciate you taking me in, considering my... situation. But I need to find my own place, start earning a living, I’m a nurse, surely I can work something out...” she trailed off

“Claire, this is what I wanted to talk to ye about. I have a proposition and I hope ye’ll consider it” she nodded for him to go on “I’m about to go on tournament. I’ve been actually thinking how this could work with me being away for 3 weeks for the Queen’s Cup. Well, it just so happens that I might be able to get ye to come with us, if ye’d like to”

“Us?”

“Aye, my polo team and I. We need a physician with us at all time, this sport has a tendency to... get nasty” he raised an eyebrow amusedly

Claire blinked at him “Well, I don’t know, Jamie, I’m only a nurse and besides, I wouldn’t be able to prove my identity, much less offer any credentials...”

“Ye leave that all up to me. All ye have to do is decide whether ye want to come with, or no” he gave her a lopsided grin

“When would we be leaving?”

“Well. About that...”

She raised an eyebrow and he continued “I kinda almost skipped the tournament”

“Whyever would you do that?”

“I dinna want to leave. The team left yesterday. I couldna leave without seeing ye again”

Her eyes softened “Oh, Jamie. What have you done? Will they allow you back on the team?”

He snorted “I’m the best player by a long shot. They’ll allow me back and gladly, but after we win the tournament I’ll probably be in need of some stitching. Good thing ye’ll be there to patch me up. Won’t ye?” he took her hands in his again, squeezing her fingers gently

“Win the tournament... So bloody cocky”

“Well, we have won every year for the past 4 years. And that’s since I joined the team. So aye, maybe I am cocky. They’ll allow me back and I’ll bring my Sassenach nurse along and nobody will bat an eyelash”

She worried her brows “I don’t know, Jamie... I don’t want to be a burden”

James frowned “Ye’re hurting me, lass. I dinna say what I don’t mean. If I offered this to ye I did it after careful consideration. And this would earn ye back yer independence as well. I’ll negotiate a good salary for ye”

She lowered her gaze, considering the offer, and then a smile crept on her lips

“What?” he asked, a smile in his voice

“You stayed back, for our date?”

“I did. And I’m glad I did. So. What will it be? Do I need to pick ye up and throw ye over my shoulder?”

She felt her heart skip a beat and pulled him by the collar in for a kiss

He smiled against her lips “Well then. I suppose that means ye’re coming with me”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *this marks the end of the first arc of the story. i hope you like where this is going! time to introduce some new (or old?!) characters  
> *let me know what you think would surprise Claire in the 21st Century, or what you'd like a modern Jamie doing, and I might add your ideas to the story as it progresses :)  
> *as always, much love and gratitude to each and every one of you! it makes me so happy to read your feedback, truly it plasters the most ridiculous grin on my face :) i hope this story offers you some kind of joy in these awful times when we all could do with more escapism and less real life drama!


	9. Chapter 9

Claire woke up the next morning with a huge smile on her face. Finally she felt at peace, knowing that going on tournament with James' polo team would earn her some time to think how best to approach him in telling him the whole truth. She knew she couldn’t postpone it forever, and she had to trust he would believe her, just as he had when she’d first told him about where she came from and who she really was. But for the next few weeks she could put that aside for a bit and focus on her fresh start with Jamie. Everything felt new and exhilarating. She felt as if they were roleplaying, pretending to be strangers. Only they weren’t, and the fact that she knew exactly what was in store for her once they finally crossed that line was almost enough to drive her completely mad with want.

Trying not to think about having her way with him all the time was a job in its own, but a real job she was about to have, and that too doing what she loved most- healing. Thankfully, she would be using actual medicine and would probably not have to see anyone bleed to death anymore (one could only hope, she didn’t know exactly how dangerous this sport was, but she knew enough to figure they didn’t exactly need a physician just for the sake of it.)

The previous night had ended on a light note, she’d tasted Jamie’s pizza and had been blown away. The dish was entirely different from what she’d last tried back in the 40’s. It had all sorts of delicious “toppings” as James had told her, and she was even more amazed that he’d made it from scratch with his own bare hands (with a little help from her with the kneading). She would’ve never imagined Jamie cooking before, but she was not one to complain, especially not in this regard. They’d shared a dram before bedtime and decided on the plan for the following day. He’d drive them into town for her to do some much needed shopping (for which she would pay him back as soon as possible, she’d insisted) and he would go figure out the details of her being able to join the team along on tournament. They had referred from lingering too much, kissing good night. She’d heard his concerns and was willing to pace herself and earn his trust, proving that she was in this for the long run. She sensed there must’ve been an underlying story to his apprehensiveness but did not insist on the subject.

He drove them into town as they’d planned and parked outside what he’d called a mall “Meet me back here in two hours?”

“Two hours?”

“Do ye need more?” he checked his watch

“No, that’s more than enough. Who needs two hours to buy anything?”

James stared at her “Are ye pulling my leg just now?”

She didn’t know what to reply to that so she climbed out of the car “See you back here in an hour?”

He stared at her incredulously from across his eat “I’ll try and hurry back, then. We need to get ye a smartphone, lass, this is even worse than having no id”

“How would I be able to get one of those?”

He chuckled “Leave that to me, ye don’t really seem to be verra tech savvy”

She grimaced, but by the sound of it she didn’t exactly regret missing out on that.

“Off ye go then” he revved the engine and drove along.

She immediately asked someone for the time and then proceeded to enter the “mall”. She’d not been ready for what she found inside. She’d never seen anything like it. She couldn’t believe that building was meant for shopping and not curating art. The beautiful lightning, the impressive water fountains, the music, the luxurious design. She was beginning to understand why James hadn’t thought she would only need two hours, much less one. She didn’t understand why this was so different from the shop she’d bought her first 21st century clothes from, but had she known it would be like this, she certainly would’ve asked James for more time. On that queue, she decided to hurry up lest she ran out of time with nothing new to buy.

He’d given her a shiny rectangular plastic badge with which he’d assured her she could buy whatever she needed. She decided it must’ve been some kind of membership card of some sort, his name written over it in bold, embossed letters.

She realized there would definitely be no time to compare prices on different items, and decided she’d just pay him back out of her first paycheck. How much could anything cost, anyway? Coming from the luxurious gowns she’d worn in Versailles these items shouldn’t amount to very much, surely.

She lingered on lingerie for the most part, having always had secret fantasies that included lacy bits with Jamie that she could never play out back in the 18th century. She was finally given the opportunity to do so and she was not about to let it slip.

She was surprised to find drugstore items as well, and was so happy to see a razor, she could cry. Not any razor, either, but a really lovely feminine-looking kind. Finally, smooth arms and legs! Paris had been a fun, if painful experience, and she certainly didn’t plan on waxing ever again, but shaving off the unwanted hair was innocent enough and another thing she had sorely missed in the past.

She regretted having told James she’d only need an hour, and the constant pressure of not exceeding that timeframe prevented her from fully enjoying this new, amazing experience, but thankfully by the time one hour had passed, she’d been able to buy all she’d had planned to, more or less. There would surely be other occasions, so she’d focused on the essentials. Night gowns, lingerie complete with garter belts and stockings, a few flowy mid- thigh dresses, a trenchcoat, actual pumps, a more elegant dress should the need arise, keeping away from trousers that she didn’t even know how much longer she would be able to fit into. She wasn’t showing at all, to the untrained eye she would’ve never passed as pregnant, especially having slimmed down considerably the past few months. But surely that would change soon and she didn’t want to buy things she couldn’t be using, she needed to spend her money wisely. She also bought shampoo, conditioner, body lotion, a toothbrush and toothpaste, body wash, a sponge, a few hair clips and a hairbrush. She was most excited to buy mascara, so much so that she’d almost forgotten to also buy makeup remover. A facepowder and a nice shade of lipstick completed her makeup kit. Scissors for her manicure and pedicure, nude nail polish, the much needed razor, deodorant... She was going through the list mentally as she reached the parking lot where James was already waiting for her

“Did ye get everything, lass?” he asked as she reached the car, holding the door for her

“I think so”

“Dinna worry, it’s not like ye canna find anything ye need where we’re headed. But it’s nice not to unpack at the hotel only tae realize ye forgot yer charger, aye?” he laughed

She looked at him trying to pretend she got his meaning “Och, dinna fash. I bought ye yer phone. Here” he reached and pulled a bag from the backseat “Hope ye like it, dinna get anything too girly since ye dinna exactly look like the Hello Kitty phonecover type”

She blinked at him and he laughed again “Aye, definitely not the Hello Kitty type. Open it”

She fumbled with the cardboard box and fished out the “phone”, the contraption very similar to his, if not identical. She stared at it, it was completely flat, and she wondered where she needed to touch it in order to make it _do something._

“Och, ye need to let it charge first. Dinna worry ye’ll have plenty of time to play with it once we reach the hotel, aye? I already inserted yer new sim and added my number to yer contacts for ye. Let’s grab some lunch and then we should be on our way, I’m late enough as it is”

“Of course. We could skip launch if you like”

James snorted “Ye know I’ve a personal challenge to plump ye up, Sassenach, stop trying to sabotage me”

She giggled “Oh, alright” she’d be plumping up pretty soon, unbeknownst to him

They had lunch at a nice restaurant that Claire was happy to discover dishes she recognized on the menu. James informed her of having taken care of her paperwork on the sly, her new official name “Claire Fraser” earning a surprised look from her and he explained he’d come up with the name after she’d mistook it for his the previous day. He’d found the name quite suiting and decided to use it.

“I love it” she declared

“Glad you approve” he smiled back

“Would there be any way to... obtain legal documents as Claire Fraser?”

He sighed “Well, I’d have to ask around. It’s pretty illegal, mind ye, Sassenach...”

She lowered her gaze “I know. I’m sorry... I don’t want to get you all tangled up in this mess”

“A bit late for that, is it no?” he smirked

She bit her lower lip and heard him sigh audibly “So. Are ye ready to face the world of polo, lass?”

“As ready as one can be especially if they have no clue what it entails”

“It’s quite brutal, but at the same time it’s verra beautiful. Has a special kind of alluring majesty tae it. Ye’ll see. Right. Best be on our way, then” he ordered the check and then they made their way back to the car.

“How long is the drive to Windsor? It’s quite the trip, isn’t it? Will we make it in time before sunset?”

“Och lass, there’s nae way I’m driving fer 10 hours straight. The flight is only an hour and a half long, though, thank Christ”

Claire gulped. She hadn’t been expecting flying. But the very idea of having James on a plane was making her feel giddy. She’d always wanted to see his reaction to flying.

“Oh, I wish I’d known. I’d have bought a suitcase”

“Dinna fash, we’ll be stopping by Lallybroch first to drop the car and get my bags and I’ll lend ye one of my trolleys”

“Won’t I be needing any form of identification to board the airplane?”

“It’s a domestic flight, we’ll be flying on a small jet we hire sometimes on tournaments. Nobody will question ye as long as ye’re with me”

“Oh, good”

“Don’t worry, Claire, we’ll get yer id sorted, I promise. In the meanwhile just try not to get arrested and ye should be fine” he smirked

“Arrested? Whatever for?!”

He muffled a laugh and she furrowed her brows further

“Nah, forget it, it’s too cheesy”

“Jamie!”

“For being so darn sexy, alright? Couldna help it. Moving on, please...”

She blushed, beside herself, and couldn’t help the huge smile that played on her lips.

“I promise my sense of humor doesna normally match the one of a prepubescent lad”

“It’s alright. I’ll let it slide”

“Thank ye kindly” his lips quirked in a lopsided smile. He parked, having reached Lallybroch, helped her out of the car and then informed her he’d called an “Uber” leaving promptly to fetch his bags and the spare trolley for her.

Upon return, she stuffed her shopping bags into the trolley and then Jamie’s phone alerted him somehow that the mysterious “Uber” was just around the corner, and they soon left for the airport.

Feeling a bit light headed after their short flight, James informed her that they would only have to make another short trip to the hotel his team was staying at, and that he’d already rented a car which was waiting for them just outside the airport.

“Ye’ve been awfully quiet today, lass. Something amiss?”

She smiled “No, it’s just that... well, I am a bit worried, I guess. What if the team doesn’t approve of me?”

James snorted “Hardly. These are men, lass, not gossiping lassies. They might not even notice the new nurse, let alone comment on the change. Dinna fash, they’re good lads if not a bit bawdy”

“You mean they’re Scotsmen”

He laughed “Aye, in a nutshell”

“Tell me about them? Are you friends with them or are they just teammates?”

“Well, we’ve been through thick and thin over the years, you do tend to see your mates as family, especially if ye dinna exactly have one tae begin with”

She smiled sympathetically as she watched him load their bags into the truck of the rental car “So they’re like family to you. No pressure...”

He scoffed “Ye’re overthinking this, lass” he then held the door for her as she climbed into the car

She waited for him to start the engine “I’m wondering whether... I mean, wouldn’t it be best if we left out the true nature of our relationship for a while? I wouldn’t want them thinking I landed the job as a... favor”

James furrowed his brows “What exactly are ye afraid they’ll be thinking?”

“Well... I know it’s basically the truth of it, but I wouldn’t want them thinking you’ve offered me this job just so we wouldn’t be separated while you’re on tournament”

He nodded “I see. Well, I might have had some personal reasons, aye, but I wouldna have offered ye the job had I not thought ye could handle it”

“But you hardly know anything about my training”

“I dinna need to, I just know ye’re up for the challenge. Trust me”

She sighed “Alright. But, could we keep it to ourselves, nonetheless? At least for a while”

“If that would make ye feel more comfortable, aye, of course” he gave her hand a squeeze and then drove off.

“So, you were about to tell me about them”

“Aye. Well, where tae begin? I guess I should start with tae man that made this all possible for me. He’s the one who trained me tae be the horseman that I am today, he’s the one who that first instructor called tae see me when he saw potential in me. He’s known me since I was a wee lad. He’s an incredible horseman himself and the founder of this team. He’s number four player on tae team. I’m number three, mind”

“Oh, I know next to nothing about polo. Could you run me through the basics of it?”

“Sure. Well, the game is played by two opposing teams with the objective of scoring goals by using a long-handled wooden mallet to hit a small hard ball through the opposing team's goal. Each team has four mounted riders, and the game usually lasts one to two hours, divided into periods called chukkas. Each position assigned to a player has certain responsibilities: Number One is the most offence-oriented position on the field, generally covers the opposing team's Number Four. Usually the rookie of the team. Number Two has an important role in offence, either running through and scoring themselves, or passing to the Number One and getting in behind them. Defensively, they will cover the opposing team's Number Three, generally the other team's best player. Given the difficulty of this position, it is not uncommon for the best player on the team to play Number Two so long as another strong player is available to play Three. Number Three is the tactical leader and must be a long powerful hitter to feed balls to Number Two and Number One as well as maintaining a solid defence. He’s usually the best player on the team” he coughs for emphasis eliciting an amused snort from Claire “Number Four is the primary defence player. They can move anywhere on the field, but they usually try to prevent scoring. The emphasis on defence by the Number Four allows the Number Three to attempt more offensive plays, since they know that they will be covered if they lose the ball. Simple enough, so far” he grinned

“Hardly”

“Well, here’s the thing. Imagine ye’re on a field nine times the size of a football field. Beneath ye an athletic thoroughbred is waiting to leap into gallop at yer signal. Ye have two sets of reins threaded through yer left hand while yer right hand grips the mallet. At the umpire’s whistle ye and seven other players take off at about 65 kilometers per hour towards yer goal. First, ye must master English-style riding and learn to stand in the stirrups while spinning on a dime. It's far harder to ride a smaller horse than a large saddle horse, and polo ponies are trained like reining horses with incredible ability to change directions quickly. A polo strike is also incredibly challenging. Ye must start yer backswing long before ye approach the ball, and if ye miss the timing it's impossible tae strike a clean shot. And then there are horses galloping at whopping speed all around ye, crashing into ye, hooking yer stick and doing everything they can, basically, tae prevent ye scoring a goal”

“That sounds incredibly brutal”

“It is. So as I said, Murtagh is the number four player”

“Murtagh?” her breath caught

“Aye, I consider him tae be my godfather, he’s been there for me since I was 10, guiding me through the world of equestrianism. He took me under his wing and trained me pro bono. He’s been a mentor and a father figure and I dinna ken where I’d be without him today”

Claire struggled to fight off tears, and was glad that he was focusing on the road ahead and couldn’t see her reaction. She couldn’t explain how this could be, she couldn’t explain any of it, but knowing that Murtagh had kept his promise to Jamie’s mother to always look after him, and keeping this promise even now, was true testament to their incredible bond.

“And the other two?” she asked after composing herself. She wondered whether they were also people she’d known in her previous life. Angus and Rupert, maybe?

“Och. That’d be the Mackenzies. Dougal and Colum. They’re brothers, but quite different both physically and personality-wise. Actually related to Murtagh, I forget exactly how, but if ye track back long enough all of us scotsmen are related somehow. Even myself-a comforting thought, that.” he added amusedly

Dougal and Colum, then. She inhaled sharply. Not her favorite people, by a long shot, though both strong characters that she’d often admired in the past. Their cunning nature though overshadowed their good qualities, and she had, quite simply put, ended up effectively ending both their lives. Colum’s by request, giving him the potion he’d asked her to end his suffering. Dougal’s by force, having had no other way around doing it, upon his eavesdropping on her conversation with Jamie (when they had attempted planning poisoning Charles Stuart, no less!). Murtagh must’ve died on Culloden Moor alongside Jamie, and so here they all were, in 2020, with her, in an alternate life that was somehow incredibly interconnected to their past one. James was no longer the only pawn in the grand scheme of things, his existence no longer the only coincidence with her landing in this century. Murtagh, Dougal and Colum were here too, and as far as she could tell, their relationships with eachother had kept their original nature.

“I’m looking forward to meeting them all” she managed, awkwardly

James smiled at her and she smiled back, having reached the hotel in no time at all “Let’s get ye settled”

The concierge took care of the luggage, James handled the receptionist, and they finally took the elevator to the 7th floor suites.

“Ye’re right next to my suite”

“Hardly an improvement from Lallybroch in that regard”

“Well at least there’s no risk of accidental... sightings”

“Oh, we certainly wouldn’t want that”

“Absolutely not”

They both laughed as they reached the doors to their adjacent suites

“I’ll be joining the lads at the bar in half an hour, want to come greet them?”

“Sure. I’ll just shower and change and be right down”

“Ok. I’ll wait for ye there, then?”

She nodded and they both disappeared into their respective rooms.

Claire sighed, plopping herself on the huge king sized bed. The suite was incredibly spacious. She hardly needed all that room to herself. She took a shower and changed into one of her new flowy dresses, a nice emerald green which complimented her whisky eyes, combed her hair with her new brush that had been supposedly designed especially for her wild curls, and was surprised to see that it did do wonders for her hair. Almost having forgotten, she searched for her new makeup supplies and proceeded to put on mascara for the first time in what seemed like forever. She barely recognized herself in the mirror, the dark, elongated lashes framing her eyes beautifully. But she was most excited to put on lacy lingerie, which she knew all too well that James was not going to get to see all that soon, but she enjoyed knowing she was wearing it nonetheless, instantly feeling much more feminine. She opted for the garters and panties, skipping the bra, not feeling like the dress demanded any extra support.

She made her way downstairs, asked directions to the bar in the lobby and upon entering, she scanned the busy room for not one, but four familiar faces. Her eyes finally landed on James’ and her heart skipped a beat seeing him laughing at something the lads were saying, his whole body shaking with it, her favorite kind of laughter. Seeing him carefree like that reminded her just how young he was, and her breath caught when his eyes narrowed on her, apparently having sensed her presence. His look turned from unabashed joy to pure lust as he took his time scanning her head to toe, making her blush fiercely. She knew that look, and could only imagine what was going on in his head. The problem was, she could imagine it as well, all too vividly. _Oh, Jamie. You have no idea..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (*well, that was a looong chapter. i almost split it into two but since it's, again, more of a transitional chapter i decided against it. do tell me if you find it too detailed though.  
> *apologies again to all those of you that have any amount of knowledge on polo, equestrianism and anything horse-related. i take all of my info from good ol' google and wikipedia has been of great help too. i felt like the polo player's roles really fitted the characters of the men, and i wanted to emphasize that. also, if you've never seen a polo match do check it out briefly on youtube. it is quite incredible!  
> *seeing that this chapter was hella long and that i am proofreading it myself as many times as i can, and keeping in mind that english is not my first language, do excuse the occasional mistakes as i am sure there must be quite a few, especially given the length of the chapter and lack of dialogues. hope it's not too cringey for native speakers!  
> *and i can't believe even the notes are getting long. bottom line: thank you and loveeeeeee love love the feedback ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️)


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> (with no energy left to proof read this the second time, i am launching this into the world and hope it has a safe landing -meaning of course that i hope you like it and cannot wait to read your lovely response ❤️)

Laughter died down amongst the men as they all looked over in the direction James’ eyes were drawn to, and a knowing smile crept on all of their faces

“Well, if it isna the new nurse!” Colum chided

“James, laddie, ye failed tae mention a thing or two” Dougal raised an eyebrow ogling Claire, giving her the all too familiar creeps

“Definitely two” Murtagh mumbled and they all burst into laughter, save James

“Och enough, ye rutting bastards! Show some respect, fer Christ’s sake!”

“The lad is right, fellas. Tis no way to treat a lady” Colum said, standing up, gesturing for her to take a seat at the head of the table, between James and himself “Please join us, lass. I promise we dinna bite”

“Aye, but the barking takes some getting used to” Murtagh added “Pleased tae meet ye, Claire” he raised his beer bottle towards her and she smiled in return whilst claiming her seat

“Apologies, lass. I meant no disrespect” Dougal added solemnly

“It’s quite alright”

James cleared her throat “Claire, this is Dougal. His brother, Colum, and Murtagh, the man who has brought us all together. Slàinte!” he raised his bottle

“Slàinte Mhaith!” the men replied, clinking their bottles together

“Nice to meet you all”

“James dinna mention ye were a Sassenach” Dougal hummed, good humoredly

“Born and bred”

“She’s a witty one” Colum grinned

James smiled proudly “Aye, that she is”

“So, lass” Murtagh leaned in “Ye’re tae be our new physician. James tells us ye have medical experience”

“Yes, of course”

“Ye’ll ken well what ye’re signing up for, then”

“I’m fairly certain that I will manage, yes”

“Enough with the third degree, aye?” James spat “We’ve been over this. What will ye be having?” he turned to the lady in question

“Oh” she flinched “Uhm, whiskey, I guess”

“She’s pulling out the big guns!” Dougal warned, earning appreciatory hums from the men

James signaled the waitress and she shortly brought Claire her dram of whiskey “Slàinte!”

“That’s pretty good, lass” Murtagh raised his eyebrow at her accent as well as his bottle

“Tapadh leat” she grinned

“Oooooooo!” the Mackenzies roared and ended up in joyous laughter “That’s impressive!” Colum whistled appreciatively “She even used “leat” and not “leibh!”. Do ye have the Gaelic then?”

“She does seem to ken quite a bit more than she lets on” James hummed “Ye’ve been holding out on me” he added in a lower tone, once again letting his eyes linger further down her body, not overtly, but not so subtle that she wouldn’t catch him looking. She wondered whether he did that intentionally or just couldn’t seem to be able to help himself. The Jamie she knew wouldn’t have been caught dead ogling a woman like that, at least not one that wasn’t his by right. Perhaps James was less subtle or was he just less willing to keep up the pretense that they hadn’t already gotten _acquainted_?

She cleared her throat “Well, I am glad to see Jamie hasn’t been kicked off the team”

“Jamie?” Murtagh furrowed his brows (even more so than they already seemed to be by default) “I’ve known the lad since he was 10 and never dreamt of calling him that!”

“We’re all his seniors by quite a few years, and same goes fer us!” Colum added

“Quite a few years, yes” she mumbled and they all broke into laughter

“Well, Jamie it is then” Dougal announced

James snorted narrowing his eyes “Let’s not get ahead of ourselves”

“Too late for that, laddie” Colum chuckled “This one is sticking. And rest assured, Claire, we knew _Jamie_ would eventually wise up and make it in time for the first match. He knows better than to screw things up for all of us, doesn’t he?” he narrowed his eyes at James in a manner all too familiar to her

She sighed, taking another sip of her whiskey and mentally stepping outside the frame for just a bit, simply taking in the familiarity of it and also trying to spot what was new. The men were all well groomed, especially Murtagh made a distinct note with a much shorter stubble, but seemed to still enjoy wearing his hair long, tied back in a neat ponytail. He wore a simple black tshirt. His wrists were sporting leather bracelets, his left forearm adorning what she recognized to be a tattoo, which had been considered quite taboo in her own time, having only seen some US navies sporting them. It read “Luceo Non Uro”, and she was extremely surprised to see he was wearing the emblem of the clan Mackenzie, and not Fraser. She made a mental note of asking him about it later on.

Colum was clean shaven and wore thick framed glasses that should have appeared old fashioned even in her own time, but for some reason she had seen many people sporting the same. They didn’t make him look older though, as she’d also noticed about the other younger people wearing them. Why that was, she couldn’t pinpoint exactly. And when she asked him how that worked out for him on the field, he informed her he’d be wearing contacts when riding. Whatever those were! The most striking difference about him was the fact that he was definitely in control of his perfectly normal looking limbs, as she’d immediately noticed when he’d stood up to help her with her chair. He was also quite a bit taller than his 18th century counterpart, no doubt the effect of growing up without the debilitating illness affecting his growth spurt. He was not quite as tall as the other three, but was still taller than she was, even in her pumps. At one point he took out what she figured must’ve been a cigar, as he kept puffing on it, but when he exhaled no smoke came out and also it didn’t seem to require fire to be lit.

Dougal on the other hand was as bald as ever, apparently modern medicine had still not come up with a cure for that. She couldn’t have imagined him with long hair anyway. Nothing really seemed to have changed about him beside the fact that he was wearing a black dress shirt, which made quite a distinct note to his highlander regalia, having known him to be quite the one for elegance even in dire conditions. He looked elegant in his dark shirt as well, even without a tie and with a few buttons loosened at the collar, but the lack of accessories must’ve been what stood out to her. The shirt was actually seemingly plastered to his upper body, all his muscles easily discernable.

And as for James, the lines were blurring. She took note of how he didn’t feel the need to overshadow the others, he’d offer his input whenever needed, but didn’t overstep, hearing everybody out. The others seemed to value his input, and actually seek it out, jokes and teasing aside. He was the youngest of the group but not treated as such. Quite simply put, he was the alpha male of the pack and had always been. He was the team leader. But even out for a drink with his teammates she could see how they all looked up to him, a self made man that had gotten to where he was at in life through his own hard work and determination. It was not lost on her that James had bought Lallybroch and restored it to its previous glory, if not made it even more spectacular, and that couldn’t have been an easy feat, much less an inexpensive one.

There had always been a certain maturity about Jamie that went well beyond his years, and that was even more apparent in James. The moment he broke into laughter, though, she could see him for the man of 25 that he was. The only other instance was when he smiled in his sleep. She smiled to herself, remembering the way his lips would curl in a soft, peaceful smile whenever she would touch Jamie’s face in his sleep. She couldn’t wait to test that one out.

She was woken up from her reverie by the feel of soft curls brushing against her temple “What’s on yer mind, lass? I havena seen ye smile quite like that before”

She trembled, his lowered voice sending shivers down her spine and she leaned over to his ear, after making sure the men were busy with their own conversation, whispering in return “I’m afraid I couldn’t possibly share, given that it would not exactly count as taking things slow”

He leaned back a bit, still close enough to her that their own private conversation couldn’t be overheard, and studied her eyes for a long moment “Nah, it wasn’t like that. I’ve seen yer look when ye’re thinking of... _not taking things slow._ This wasn’t it. Ye had a faraway look in yer eyes”

Her eyes softened “Maybe so. Still not sharing, though”

He raised an eyebrow “Very well, then. I did say we could still have secrets... What say we get out of here?”

“What, and leave the children by themselves?”

James snorted “They’ll manage” he stood up and helped her out of her chair “I’ll escort Claire to her room and then I’m calling it a night as well. I suggest ye follow suit. See ye at practice tomorrow morning, 5 am sharp!”

“Leaving sae soon, lass? But we hardly got to know anything about ye” Colum chided

“Well, I didn’t get to talk much about myself what will all your stories on how your hairstylist moved town and now you can’t get a decent haircut”

“I took care of that problem long ago, but he won’t listen” Dougal cut in “It’s been a pleasure, Claire, do excuse our ill manners. We’re a bit excited to start this tournament so the conversations tend to get a bit frivolous and the drinking a bit heavy”

“Good night, lass” Murtagh nodded his head, giving her a sincere smile and on that note she took her leave and, alongside James, exited the bar.

They made their way outside and into the hotel’s vast gardens. Apart from the odd couple here and there, they were alone, walking the intricate alleys.

“Exactly how big is this hotel?”

“Well, that’s one of the attractions of Oakley Court, ken? The outdoors. Ye can walk for quite a bit and never get tired of the view”

“You’ve been here before then? Thank you” she smiled as James placed his leather jacket over her shoulders

“The Queen’s Cup is always held at Windsor, staying here during tournament is kind of a tradition. D’ye like it?”

“Yes, I mean... what’s not to like? Quite luxurious for a hotel. Though I do prefer Lallybroch, if I’m being honest”

James smiled, furrowing his brows slightly “Really? Hm. Lallybroch is still work in progress, I suppose. I havena had enough time to finish all of the rooms, and it’s still quite sparsely furnished for such a big estate. I guess I’m used to a more... minimalist lifestyle” She smiled sympathetically and he smiled back, his voice growing softer “It also needs... a woman’s touch”

She cleared her throat “I supposed growing up in an orphanage doesn’t quite prepare you for the life of a laird”

He snorted “No, it doesna. I honestly dinna ken why I bought it, tae be honest. Nobody has families this large nowadays. But when I came across it, it just... it called out tae me, ken? I’m not sure how to explain it. But it felt like the right thing to do. I dinna think ahead enough to realize that I’d be quite lonesome in such a big house”

“Are you? Lonesome?”

“It would be hard not to. Or maybe it’s just that I’ve always been surrounded by others, never having had my own personal space. I longed for alone time, growing up. Just the thought of being alone with my thoughts, to not have the constant ruckus around me... That’s why I love horses, stables are a verra peaceful place. When I found that world I felt like I’d grabbed God by the leg, and held on fer dear life” he chuckled but the underlying sadness was not lost on Claire “And then, when I finally went on living on my own, I still shared apartments, always had flatmates. I dinna have my own room until I was 21, actually. And when I moved to Lallybroch... at first there were always men around, the team that fixed up the place had settled there for the duration of the project. The day I was finally left by myself there was quite... surreal. It was so quiet! The echo dinna help either. I couldna help feeling like there were people missing. Like there were people that belonged there but weren’t anywhere tae be found” he scoffed “I’m rambling like a madman, forgive me, lass”

“Not at all” she said in a small voice, thinking of how Lallybroch had always been filled with Jenny’s children’s laughter and their antics, so many people had resided at Lallybroch, and to image him all by himself there with the echoes of the past resonating between those walls sent a shiver up her spine. That house was not meant to be resided by just one person, and Jamie was not meant to live all by himself “I’ve... I’ve never had a place of my own, either. Somewhere to call home. Even with Frank. We... moved places. I suppose that is why I don’t feel quite so lost now” she looked away, then, remembering what they’d said to eachother whilst parting at Craig Na Dun “ _But you are my home!”_ she’d begged him to reason with her, to not send her through the stones _“And you are mine”,_ he’d told her. And so it was. They’d never be “home” apart from eachother.

“Ye’re not lost” he squeezed her hand tenderly

She looked up at him “No. No, I’m not”. They returned to the hotel hand in hand, comfortably walking in silence.

She knew she had to go to bed, it was awfully late already, but she needed to figure out first how to use her “phone”. She rummaged through her bags that she’d packed earlier that day directly into James’ trolley and noticed for the first time the receipts that were attached to the insides of each bag. Her eyes widened in disbelief at some of the sums, had she _really_ spent all that money- James’ money!- actually, on lingerie?! 120 pounds on that pair of pumps?!! 52 pounds on _bloody mascara?!!!!_ She felt like crying. How was she ever going to repay him for all of that? She tried to calm herself down, thinking that at least, thankfully, he’d not seen the ungodly amount she’d spent on frivolous things. She’d pay him back, perhaps over several paychecks, but she now had a job at least and a way to earn a living. She could still fix this. So long as she didn’t buy anything else for... probably many months to come. _What a mess..._ After changing into her nightgown she grabbed the box in which the contraption had come and was glad to find a user manual within it. She didn’t find a receipt and didn’t know whether to take it as a gift or not, but it looked expensive. She resolved to ask him how much he’d paid for it so that she could pay him back for it as well.

She frowned at the small font, and turned on the lamp on the nightstand to try and aid her vision. She had gotten midway through the user’s manual, phone in her lap, when the damned thing produced the most ungodly sound, making her yelp in surprise and effectively throw it off the bed. It had thankfully landed on the soft carpet. It looked so fragile that Claire knew that it probably was a miracle it had survived the landing even in such favorable conditions. She grabbed it and was startled when it broke off into a loud chime yet again. Why did it keep making that noise? She quickly turned back a few pages on her manual to check again how she would go about “turning on” her “device”

As she pushed one of the small side buttons, the screen lit up, and she widened her eyes. His name was there, and so were some thistles, in the background. Why was his name hovering over a field of thistles? It made no sense. She swiped her finger awkwardly across the smooth surface and the thistles were replaced by a poppy field, but his name still lingered on the screen. She touched his name and then the screen turned a darker shade and words appeared to be written across square boxes. “How’s the new phone? :-) “followed by “Are you alright? I heard a scream. These walls are thinner than you’d expect from a 5star hotel”

Claire frowned. Was he writing all this? Is that why his name was there? She turned back to her manual and flipped the pages but could not find anything that would explain how this could’ve happened. She turned back to the phone and was horrified to find it had turned black. Had she lost the message he’d written to her?

She swiped her fingers incessantly across the screen but nothing happened. She huffed. What had she done? Why wasn’t it doing anything? She flipped the pages again and growled, realizing she hadn’t pushed the side button first. Ok, _deep breath, Beauchamp._

She smiled, happy to see the words he’d written back on the screen. She examined it closely and noticed the date and time above each of the two squares that contained the messages he’d written, just 37 seconds apart. As were the two instances in which the phone had chimed. So she had been alerted that he’d written her something. _Hm._ And there was also “Reply” written underneath. Had he prompted her to reply to him? She looked around, finding the box. She turned it upside down and a few other things fell from it on the bed, but not a pen. But how would she get the message into the small device, anyway? She then realized it hadn’t been his handwriting she’d seen on the screen, so maybe he was writing it in a different manner.

She’d know how to work a typewriter, back in her time, and that was the only other manner of writing something down she could think of. But there were no other buttons on the “phone”. She swiped her fingers across the screen again, urging it to do _something._ Finally, out of thin air, letters appeared on the bottom of the screen, much like they would’ve been displayed on a typewriter. She recognized the familiar layout of the letters, Q W E R T Y, as it had been difficult for her when she’d first learned how to use the typewriter, having had to struggle to memorize where each letter was placed on the keyboard. She must’ve been staring at it for quite a while, as the screen faded to black yet again. She retraced her steps, remembering the correct order. First the side button. Then she swiped the screen until she realized that touching the blank space in which she could write her message effectively prompted the keyboard. She touched the letters, marveling at how they appeared in the designated square, and realizing she’d written something without forming coherent words, she scoffed. There was no way of erasing it now. Typewriting demanded no mistakes, the ink forever pressed into the paper. Any mistake meant tearing off said paper and writing the whole thing down again from the beginning. But how could she “tear off” the nonsensical text and replace it with a new one? She turned off the screen and turned it back on again, and was irked to see it was still there.

She managed to at least pretend she’d not been startled when another chime pierced the silence and noticed something new written on the screen  
“Lass? Should I be worried?”

She worried her lower lip. She didn’t want him thinking she had no bloody idea how to use that blasted thing. She took a deep breath and squinted at the screen, hoping for some form of divine intervention. She decided to just continue writing “yes, everything is fine.”

There! Not even a single misspelled word! Feeling mightily proud of herself, she placed the phone neatly on the nightstand, and hugged her knees to her chest, awaiting for his reply, should there be one.

She flinched, this time because there was someone at the door. She realized in that moment that she’d forgotten to also buy a robe to go with her nightgowns, and before she could reach for her cardigan instead, there was another knock “Claire?”

She hurried to get the door “Is something the matter?” she asked as James peered inside, looking troubled

“I was worried something had happened, are ye alright then? I know ye got my texts, I could hear them from the other side of the wall”

She closed the door behind him “Didn’t you receive my reply?”

He furrowed his brows “No, did ye text me back? I didn’t get anything” he took a few steps inside “It’s freezing cold in here, lass! Did ye not find the thermostat?” he trailed off, his eyes lingering just a moment too long on her hardened nipples. It had been sufficiently comfortable for her, now used to much dire sleeping conditions, her nipples reacting to his presence rather than what he’d considered to be “freezing cold”. He grabbed the clock on her nightstand and fumbled with it a bit until she heard a soft click. Then his attention shifted to the phone. He grabbed it, examining it, and then slowly looked up at her

She crossed her arms, beginning to feel cold all of a sudden “Well?”

“Lass, ye forgot to hit send”

“Oh” she said nonchalantly “Well, I hadn’t realized”

“And ye forgot to erase all that jibberish, too” he turned the display towards her for emphasis. She looked as he touched the space between her coherent sentence and the rest and, pressing on a certain key, effectively erased all of the unnecessary letters she’d typed in.

She nodded “Thanks” she cleared her throat “Why were you worried, though?”

“I heard yer wee scream and then when ye didn’t text back I began thinking maybe ye slipped in the shower or something”

She hugged her body further, sheltering it from his sceptical gaze “Thank you for the phone, it’s very nice”

“Have ye not used a smartphone before, lass?” he raised an eyebrow at her and one look into those eyes was enough to know he’d be able to tell in an instant if she was lying.

“Well, not exactly. Not smart-phones. Just ... regular phones”

“Ye should’ve told me to get ye a Blackberry, then”

She looked at him, puzzled “A blackberry?”

He cocked his head just so, in a way that told her she was walking on thin ice

“This one is perfectly fine, I just need to get used to it” she smiled awkwardly

“Is it? Call me, then”

She frowned “Whyever would I do that? You’re standing right there”

He pushed the phone into her hands and she almost let it slip between her hands, bending her knees in reflex, ready to break the fall.

“Go on, then” he crossed his arms and she tried not to focus on the determined look in his eyes.

She clumsily pushed the side button and then brought the screen all the way up to her face. She figured that by “call” he’d most certainly meant “telephone call” and was squinting at the device, trying to see where she could dial the number from. Just when the realization dawned on her that she didn’t know what his number was, his voice broke the tension

“Och, lass, do ye need reading glasses, then?” his voice softened “Is the menu too small?”

She looked up at him then, and seeing his face filled with compassion her heart broke a little, knowing she was not exactly lying, but not being truthful either. How long could she go on like this? What would she do when he found out she was hiding the truth in matters that were a lot more serious that this? Her left hand went instinctively to her belly and she felt her heartrate speed up. _Please, God. Let him believe me._


	11. Chapter 11

He stepped forward, steadying her “Claire? What’s the matter, lass? Ye’ve gone white as a ghost. Christ”

He helped her sit on the edge of the bed and then knelt beside her “Jamie... It’s getting late. It’s been a long day” she sighed, her voice small “Please... I don’t know why you’re doing this”

He straightened his back, searching her eyes “Claire... I, I’m sorry. I dinna mean to upset ye...”

“You didn’t. It’s been such a lovely evening... and I had a great time, with the lads, and earlier with you... And you’ve been nothing but kind. But I keep getting the feeling that...”

“What? What is it?” he whispered, gently caressing her kneecaps, and she lost herself in the feeling of his large, warm hands stroking her naked skin

“I get the feeling that you keep wanting me to slip up somehow. To do something wrong. And I don’t know why you want me to turn out to be a disappointment so badly”

He stilled, then. His eyes glued to hers, but she couldn’t read them “Aye, I suppose ye’re right about that. I dinna even realize it... until ye said so, just now” he narrowed his eyes “How’d ye ken that? How can ye read through me like that? I’ve never kent anyone to be able to do that, before”

“Answer the question, first” she insisted in a small voice that she didn’t recognize

He sighed profoundly, clenching his jaw, lowering his gaze to where his hands were placed over her kneecaps “This isn’t usual, what it is between us”

“Yes, we’ve established that” she halfsmiled

“Aye, well. Don’t ye find that... terrifying?”

Her eyes grew wide and she tilted his chin, searching his eyes “Terrifying? Jamie, whyever would you say that?”

He looked at her for a long while, searching for words and eventually rolled his eyes and groaned “Christ, I am asking Ye to let me take it slow with this woman, why are Ye doing this to me?” he rubbed his hands over his face and leaned back on the carpet

She laughed, beside herself “Jamie, you keep fighting this. You desperately want me to turn out to be a liar, a disappointment, because that would be the easy way out. You don’t want to risk... getting hurt. Is that it?” she then knelt next to him on the floor, whilst he was still covering his face. She grabbed one of his hands and pulled it away “You can’t hide from me, I won’t let you” she smiled at him but he was still as serious as ever

“Claire, ye dinna ken what it’s been like fer me. I’ve never felt like this, for anyone. Ye want the truth?” he stood, bracing himself on his arms “I’m terrified this has all just been in my head, that it’s just one-sided. That ye’re a woman that has ran away from her failed marriage and just wants to find her way in the world again. And I just happened to come across yer path. I’m not saying ye’d do it deliberately... but I dinna want to just be a rebound... “

“I already told you I’m not looking for just a fling!”

“I ken ye did, and I’m no saying I dinna believe ye. But... I’ve been down this road before. And I’ve learnt my lesson... the hard way”

Claire froze. In all her naiveté, she never really took into consideration the chance that James had not had the same lovelife as his 18th century counterpart. Before letting her mind go off in a gallop she tried to pace herself “Do you... want to talk about it?”

He straightened and placed his elbows over his knees “I wasna planning on telling ye this, not for a while. I dinna ken how soon is too soon...”

“Out with it” she nearly whispered

He lowered his haze, nodding “I’ve... been with someone, a few years back. A student of mine. I crossed boundaries I shouldna had. In more ways than one” he clenched his jaw in concentration “I havena told anyone about this, save Murtagh”

“It’s alright. Whatever it is, Jamie... you can tell me”

He took a long break, searching for the right words, avoiding her gaze “There’s really no way around it... what she wanted from me was purely physical, she had been flirting with me from day one. I never lead my students on, she’s no the first one to try, but they’re my students and I never even look at them _that_ way. But there was something about her, that made my resolution snap. I canna say what it was. But she lured me to her bed.”

Claire’s heart broke. She’d known this was a possibility, somewhere in the back of her mind, surely she’d known all along. But somehow she’d ignored that voice telling her that this was a modern man in his prime, and that for him to have been a virgin _now_ would be even more surprising than it’d seemed to her in the past when he’d confessed to being inexperienced prior to their marriage.

He cleared his throat, and her attention snapped back to reality “The worst part is, though... not that I slept with one of my students. But that she was married. And I knew she was”

Claire’s mouth fell agape and she couldn’t hide her expression

He smirked “That’s actually a pretty good imitation of what I thought yer reaction would be”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to... I’m just... well. I’m a bit surprised, I won’t lie”

He laughed at that, but it never reached his eyes “Och well, I was pretty surprised with myself as well. This doesna make things better... but it wasn’t entirely selfless”

“What do you mean?”

“She was married to a man that was using her as a beard. He’s as gay as they come. She hadn’t known, going into the marriage. She said he’d been... well, she said that he certainly _could_ , but _wouldn’t._ He’s a decent bloke, actually. He’s pretty high up in Scotland Yard. Apparently, his homosexuality would’ve proven to be a problem, even today. She didn’t suspect a thing until much later on, well, that’s what she told me, anyway. She didn’t intend on leaving him, their life together was pretty good, save that one thing that actually made them more like roommates rather than husband and wife. So we... kept it casual. She would come for the riding lessons, and riding lessons she would get...” he raised an eyebrow at Claire but she didn’t seem amused “My heart wasna in it though, and I could see the lines starting to blur for her. I decided to call it quits before it got to a point where I couldn’t give her what she wanted anymore”

Claire swallowed the lump in her neck and nodded for him to go on

“She didn’t take it too well. I’d been too late, apparently. She’d started... hoping there could be more between us. I just couldn’t lie to myself, nor to her. It wasna love. And that had been the unspoken agreement from the get go. She was... quite angry, when we broke it off. I dinna really understand why, until... much later” he stood silent for a long while before continuing “Eventually, the following year, I was approached by a certain John Grey. He was pretty straight forward, I suppose it shouldn’t have surprised me, what with his being a chief inspector and all. He told me he’d known about his wife’s affair all along. He also told me that he was certain I knew the particularities of their marriage. He’d been fairly certain that she hadn’t taken on any other lover, other than myself. And thus, I was informed... that I had become... that I am” he furrowed his brows and nearly whispered “A father.”

Claire simply stared at him in disbelief

He nodded, to himself mostly “A father... She hadn’t told me. She was so upset with me. But then... maybe she would’ve. Maybe she wanted to wait, and tell me after the bairn was born... but as rare as is it is nowadays...apparently women can still die in childbirth” he ended solemnly

“Oh, God...” a tear fell on Claire’s cheek, one she hadn’t even felt welling up in her eyes “Oh, Jamie...”

His eyes had gone glassy as well “He told me his name is William. And that he’s a braw lad” James smiled then, effectively pushing his own tears over the edge. He then frowned resolutely “And that... he mustn’t know... what he needn’t know. That’s how he’d put it. He must have an untarnished memory of his late mother”

They stood in silence for a long while, tears rolling silently down their cheeks, neither knowing what to say, what to do.

  
He finally sighed and stood up “So ye see, lass. This is why I’m having a hard time coming to terms with... what’s happened so far. Ye’re still married. I respect yer decision of not wanting to end things officially with.... with Frank, and I understand why ye felt like ye had to run away from him like that, from yer whole life. I ken ye mean it... And I trust ye. But I’ve been the other man, before. And it’s eating at me, that I’m doing it again in good conscience. Geneva... William’s mother, that is... she lost her life, Claire. Because of me”

She stood up “Don’t you dare take the blame! It could’ve been anyone else’s baby, she’d still be dead now, you cannot take the blame for that, Jamie!”

“Aye, maybe so. But it wasna any other man, was it? It was me. And I got her pregnant, and I wasna even there... dinna even ken about the bairn. She maybe wanted to try and have a family, a true one, with me, when she found out... but I dinna even try...”

She took his face between her palms and brought his forehead against hers, looking at him intently “It is not your fault!”

He smiled a sad smile “I wilna ever stop feeling guilty about it, Sassenach. Not until God Himself tells me not to” he squinted “And I’m pretty sure He wilna. So” he inhaled and gently removed himself from her grasp “Now ye know. I dinna ken whether this was foolish of me, tae tell ye such a thing sae early on. But ye deserved tae know why it’s been so difficult for me, going forward. Make no mistake, though” his eyes grew darker “I’ve made up my mind that I want ye, and I canna go back. I’m no letting ye go, for I trust this... whatever this is between us... is right. I can feel it in ma bones. I’ll let ye think it over, Claire. And if ye find ye canna bare me anymore, after what I’ve told ye... I wilna hold it against ye” he smirked “I’ll be verra.... verra upset, though”

“Jamie-“

“-Nah, lass. Sleep it over. Please. I’m glad I told ye. It was eating at me, keeping it from ye. Now I’ll face whatever decision ye make, for I know I dinna deserve ye, and I ken God shouldna even allow it. But I’ll hang on... tae that bit of hope” he kissed her then thoroughly, and, before she could protest, left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (* and it was eating at ME not to be able to share this with you guys already. i had written this part quite early on and have not had time to dedicate sufficient time for the following chapter so far, this week. i decided to post it as a chapter, rather than make you wait even longer for the rest.  
> *now, before you come at me. i really feel like i have some explaining to do. Jamie was meant to have a son. that is what God intended for him (aka Diana Gabaldon but you get my point lol) the fact is, this is his journey. Claire doesn't know it, of course, but had she ended up back in her own time and Jamie had survived Culloden, she would've only found out about it 20 years too late and William would've been conceived by then as well. see where i'm getting at? i hope so. ergo James' difficulty coping with her being a runaway married woman, so on, so forth...  
> *i was reaaaaaaaaaally nervous posting this one, as i know it's a difficult one to swallow. so i really look forward to your opinions! much love and thank you, as ever, for reading! ❤️)


	12. Chapter 12

Claire wasn’t sure what she’d expected polo to be like _upclose,_ but this was certainly not it. She’d never seen a live match. And beside what James had told her about the game itself, she’d only heard a few live commentaries over the radio in passing, which, of course failed to mention what was most important. If anything, the commentator should’ve been shouting at the top of his lungs something like “Ohmygod he’s gonna fall! Wait, he’s alright! Whoa, that was close! Almost got hit in the head by that mallet! WHOA! Ok, WATCH IT! Why is he running his horse right into him?!! STOP THIS MADNESS, IT’S INSANE, YOU’RE GOING TO KILL EACHOTHER!”

But alas, the commentator was getting excited only when he thought there was going to be a goal. Otherwise, absolutely no display of concern for utter lack of safety for both the players and the horses. This was ridiculous! She couldn’t believe how it was almost 40 minutes into the match and nobody was killed, much less injured!

She felt like she was hyperventilating. She’d seen Jamie in sword fights, she’s seen him in what seemed like hundreds of dangerous situations, but this took the cake! Her eyes were glued on him, she had no idea what the score was, she didn’t care. All she cared was that he came out of it in one piece.

She looked at his body, the absolutely incredible way in which he moved, his muscles tensing, his movements just right, the force he used to execute each swing of the mallet and the way he seemed to be one with the horse, almost like a mythological centaur, perfectly symbiotic.

She’d known that body like the palm of her hand. The way he reacted to each of her touches, the way his breath would pick up just so when she descended her hands down his torso and over his kilt. The way she’d always find him halfhard after only giving him a look from underneath her lashes. The way his arms would shake with want as they roamed over her own body, a single touch of his hands over her naked skin causing him to breathe through his nose audibly in an effort to slow down, to regain his composure. She would tease him, knowing fully well he’d have his just revenge afterwards, but she loved seeing his brows furrowed in concentration as she made her way under the fabric and found him ready to burst. She’d smile then and grope him just enough to make him close his eyes for a few moments, only to have them open again, the clear blue gone, replaced by the almost all black of his irises. She would deliberately not apply sufficient pressure, tantalizing him further, making him seize her mouth in a wet kiss, his eyes never closing, boring into her own, a promise of the infinite depth of his want. His irises were so dilated, she could see her own reflection in them.

 _Had_ she _been able to see herself in them as well?_

She shut her eyes tight and when she opened them again, she was startled by how loud everything was around her. She had effectively drowned out all that and could only hear his heartbeat, perfectly in sync with hers. But now, she imagined a moan that was not hers, a giggle he’d extricated from another pair of lips only to be followed by another cry of pure ecstasy. And _that_ sound scratched at her eardrums more than the ruckus around her ever could.

_How many had there been?_

She felt horribly petty. She’d been with a fair number of men. She’d even slept with King Louis for heaven’s sake _. If that even counted..._ She’d not been a virgin when she married Frank, and had never even given virginity a second thought in her adult life, not until she’d heard Jamie confess his purity. She hadn’t expected it, and she remembered feeling a tinge of sadness upon hearing him say it.

She remembered thinking he’d probably be awful. Men back then had no regard for women in general, let alone their carnal pleasure. Of course she didn’t place Jamie alongside the majority of those barbarians that she’d come to know much closer than she’d wished, but still, she’d imagined the two of them together by then more times than she was willing to admit, even to herself, and in her mind, he’d been this _Casanova_ with _sufficient_ experience to get them through their honeymoon without having to leave the bed.

She’d seen him kiss Laoghaire in the alcove, and that hadn’t been any ordinary kiss. She’d coined it in her mind that he was surely a passionate lover as well, only to have him shatter any last chance at happiness with that confession, be it even only carnal, in that godforsaken century. She’d have never cheated on Frank, her lust-filled dreams aside, but if she really had to marry him, she’d at least wanted to enjoy _that_ aspect of the whole thing.

She’d dreaded it, first times were awkward enough, but she’d never been with a virgin before, and so she’d drowned herself in liquor that day, hoping to be sufficiently desensitized by the time they’d get down to actually consummating their marriage. But she’d sobered up by the time they ended up in bed and although it hadn’t been perfectly enjoyable for her, that first time, she had _noticed_ that he had incredible... potential.

What ended up happening that night had blown her mind, and she still didn’t know whether it was due to the fact that she’d gone in with low expectations or just that Jamie was, after all, all she’d fantasized him to be.

And that had been Jamie having had zero experience. Here was James. The not-at-all-a-virgin-James-thank-you-very-much.

Here was the man she’d actually wished him to be, in the past. She’d fantasized about him being some sort of Casanova, and now she wanted a virgin?

Did it even matter that he wasn’t? She hadn’t just been with him, why should he be just hers?

Oh, but it mattered. More than she cared to admit to herself. It mattered so much, it _hurt._ And what hurt most of all was that he already was a father. What of their baby? The one she didn’t even know he’d want or believe to be his.

“Medic!”

She flinched, jumping out of her seat and scanning the field only to find it empty. She panicked, worried she’d missed a bloody accident on her first day, lost in her reverie

A laugh she knew but too well immediately put her at ease “Och, lass, did we bore ye sae much that ye had to go on daydreaming?”

She squinted at Dougal “That was nothing close to boring! What in the name of God are you all up about on that field? Is it always like that?”

The rest of the team gathered around her, and she felt them all still buzzing with adrenaline. James took off his helmet, his hair dripping wet from all the exertion and her breath caught seeing him like that. His sweat falling from the tips of his curls, pooling in between her breasts as he relentlessly drove into her was suddenly all she could think ok.

The men seemed pretty amused by her reaction to her first live polo match and didn’t seem to notice her sudden change in demeanor, save James. They fell behind the group as they all made their way to an early dinner celebrating their victory.

“Claire...” he halted and she eventually stopped walking as well “Can ye not bare to look at me? Have I ruined everything?”

Her eyes shot up to him “Jamie...”

He halfsmiled, looking away “Well, at least I’m not back to James...”

She stepped closer “It’s not like that. I just... I need a bit of time to digest everything”

He raised his hand and hesitatingly caressed her jaw with his thumb “Ye havena slept at all last night, have ye?”

She shook her head and lowered her gaze “I forgot to buy concealer the other day”

James grunted impatiently “That’s not what... ach, Christ” he removed his hand “I dinna ken how to fix this, Claire”

“You don’t have to. None of us is perfect, Jamie... And having a child is really not something you should regret. Granted it’s not the ideal situation between the two of you...”

“I’ve never even seen him”

Her heart sunk “Surely his... Mr. Grey, that is, surely he would allow it. He only said that it was best for the boy not to know you’re his real father. As far as I know, he hasn’t forbidden you to see him, has he?”

James’ eyes widened at the realization “I’ve never even thought of that. Do ye... do ye think he’d allow it? After all these years?”

“How old is the boy?” Claire nearly whispered

“He’s... four”

She smiled, beside herself. The fact that James had another woman’s child had stirred ugly sentiments in her the previous night. But now, seeing him talk about his son, his own flesh and blood, made her heart sink. He clearly longed to see the lad, to get to know him, maybe. And she’d always known that Jamie was meant to be a father. Her breath caught imagining him with his son and it oddly didn’t make her resent the idea.

“Ye wouldna... mind it?” he drummed his fingers against his polo mallet he was carrying over his shoulder.

“Jamie. He’s your _son._ It shouldn’t matter how I feel about it”

“It matters” he looked at her, dead serious

She stammered “I think it’s the right thing. And no. I wouldn’t mind it. I’m the one suggesting you go and see him”

He inched towards her, tilting his head to the side, nearly kissing her, his lips hovering just over hers but stopped to search her eyes “How are ye real?”

She laughed and circled his neck, pulling him into the kiss.

Claire was surprised to find that a polo tournament wasn’t just about the actual matches. They had gym sessions, practice, even media events to cover. Claire extricated herself from all that, simply attending the matches and praying none of them would eventually get themselves killed. The fact that everybody always came out of it intact was a near miracle.

James would take her out for late night strolls, even occasional dinners, just the two of them, careful not to rise any suspicion, but she’d seen Murtagh give her a few looks that she knew all too well what had meant, unbeknownst to him.

She kept herself busy in her free time reading e-books. She’d found out you could actually _read on the phone (!!!)_ and had devoured several novels. She would simply select them from a “virtual library” and read to her heart’s content. She was amazed that, even though all of the books had pricetags, somehow she could still “download” and read them, all for free of course, since she certainly didn’t pay for them.

She was reading one such book on DNA testing, as James’ mentioning it as part of his search for his family had spiked her interest, when her phone vibrated and she nearly made it flip over to the carpet once more, had she not been tucked in bed already, sitting right in the center, splayed out like a starfish. All the spare time really got her accustomed to using the contraption and she’d managed to even successfully “text” with James a few times. She couldn’t figure out how he could send his reply so much faster than she did, but alas, at least it was her that didn’t have to wait.

“Are you asleep?”

She raised an eyebrow and hurried to respond “Wouldn’t I have to be awake to answer this, either way?”

A yellowish face sticking out its tongue appeared and she giggled followed by “Sorry, lass. Didn’t want to miss saying good night to you, is all”

“Did you have a nice time at the press party?”

“Meh. Party is an overstatement. Wanted to run something by you”

“Oh?”

“The next few matches are getting postponed on account of rain. Gasp. Who’d knew there would be raining in England”

“Quite the unforeseen weather forecast”

“Indeed. So, I was thinking... What say we made a trip out of it?”

Claire stared at the phone for a while then typed in, her eyebrow raised “That’s all part of your plan to take things slow, I presume?”

His reply came with a little delay as well “Mind if I came by for a few minutes? This is getting a little heavy for texting”

“Alright”

She scrambled to the bathroom and grabbed the robe she’d eventually found as part of the hotel’s freebies, and put it on just as he knocked on the door

“Hi” she smiled, letting him in

He stepped inside “Claire... It sounds like a pretty dick move, now that ye put it that way” he cut straight to the chase “I’m doing it again, aren’t I?”

She noticed he didn’t seem to want to step away from the door, ready to leave any second “Doing what, exactly?”

“Telling ye to take things slow and the next minute jumping on ye like a beast” he looked away

She sighed “I don’t- Jamie... I don’t think that. I know this is hard, it’s hard for me too. But I understand now why it’s important to you, and I’m trying my very best”

He took a step closer “I regret telling ye. Not because I dinna want ye to know. I told ye... I’m glad ye know now. But because since I’ve told ye, ye’ve been... distant”

She took a step closer as well “I don’t know how to do this, Jamie. I’m letting you set the pace” she touched his chest slightly and he grabbed her hand keeping it against his beating heart

“I dinna ken what the right thing is... I’ve tried pacing myself, I’ve tried to do things right” he sighed, squeezing her hand tighter “I’ve asked God for guidance, and usually he opens up the way for me, and now all I see when I close my eyes are yer whiskey eyes, yer full, luscious lips...” he paused to lick his own as he stared at hers “And then I go ahead and propose we go on a trip... when I ken fine well that is not taking it slow. And I feel like a bastard for toying with ye like that. I don’t mean to, I just canna help it” he exhaled audibly, pressing his forehead to hers, closing his eyes “It takes more strength than I thought necessary to stay away from ye”

“Then don’t” she whispered, closing the small gap between them, pressing her chest to his and brushing the tip of her nose against his

He groaned, the vibration running through her body like electricity. He grabbed her by the waist, pressing their lower halves together, and she gasped at the feel of his arousal hard as steel against her stomach. He reached for her shoulders and stroked her clavicles, then eased his hands into her robe and tugged at it, pushing it over her shoulders, exposing the straps of her nightgown. He then pulled it apart all the way and she let the robe fall to the floor unceremoniously. He kept staring at the straps, knowing that one easy slide over her shoulders would have her naked before him and she could read all that in his eyes. But before he could act on it, she felt his fingers gently pushing the hem of her nightgown up her thighs. When he reached her hips the realization that she wasn’t wearing any panties made him lose it altogether, and he buried his hands into her curls as he pulled her into a desperate kiss.

She kissed him as if her life depended on it, she kissed him with abandon. He never broke the kiss as he moved them towards the bed and he sat on the edge and had her straddle him. His hands went directly to her arse that was now only halfcovered with the flimsy fabric and he kept kneading it, pulling the hem higher and higher as he did so. She clung to his neck, exploring his mouth languorously, the feel of him right where she ached for him making her feel absolutely wanton, and she rubbed herself against his erection unabashedly.

“God, I need ye, Claire. Ye don’t know what ye’re doing to me”

“I have some idea” she hummed, her voice hoarse

“Trust me, ye don’t” he grunted as he pushed her closer against him and moved her hips back and forth

She moaned “Yes, Jamie!”

He pulled at her cleavage and Claire thanked God for having chosen an elastic fabric for the nightgown as he effectively managed to pull it over and under her right breast, the straps still in place. He closed his wet mouth on her nipple and she tugged at his curls at the nape, pushing him closer against her, crying in ecstasy

He suckled her nipple, then alternated pulling it into his mouth and popping it free, never using his hands as he pushed his face against her breast capturing it again with his wet mouth. His hands were busy squeezing her arse, spreading her buttocks apart and rubbing her against his cock that threatened to tear his track pants.

He eventually let his hands push her nightgown entirely over her hips and the feel of her bare skin against his hands seemed to spark a whole new level of ardent lust in him. He moved to kiss her once more and put his hands over her arms, locking them even tighter behind his neck “That’s it, Sassenach” he said against her lips, in a tone she knew all too well but hadn’t yet been revealed from James’ lips until now “Use me, ride me. Take what you need, what’s _yours_ ”

She moaned and he kissed her thoroughly once more before bending to suck on her oversensitive breast. His hands went back to her arse and he groaned touching it once more, pushing her even closer, and she used her arms as well to move against him, as per his instructions. The front of her gown had pooled in between them, but it did nothing to stay in the way of her bare clit against the fabric of his track pants, and more importantly, against his arousal, and she rubbed herself against it shamelessly. She set the intensity but he set the rhythm, holding her bare buttocks, moving her against him _just so._

She was close, so close. She needed him, all of him, but she knew this was all he was ready to give, and she took it. His lips were working their magic, his hands felt like bliss and his cock was making her dizzy with want, and it took no time at all for her to shatter in a million tiny pieces against him, crying out as she came hard in his arms.

She tugged at his head and leaned in for passionate kiss, full of gratitude and promise, as she wasn’t done with him _just yet._ When she tried to ease her hand between them though, her caught her wrist gently and looked at her with hooded eyes “No, Claire, please. If ye touch me now... I won’t be able to hold back”

“I don’t want you to. I want to see you come apart, too” she whispered as she kissed him again but his hold on her wrist didn’t give.

“Christ, ye’re amazing” he groaned “I’ve never seen anything more beautiful. To see ye lose yerself like that...”

“It _was_ amazing. _You’re_ amazing. Please, Jamie-“

He then stood and in effect placed her on her feet and took a few measured steps towards the door. She adjusted her nightgown and looked at him as he walked backwards. Her eyes darted down to his pants, gray as they were, now visibly soaked in her arousal, his own sadly still unsatiated

“Dinna fash, I’ll still have my way with ye, in my dreams, tonight. Sleep well, Sassenach”

She stared at the door in disbelief for a few moments and then effectively plopped herself on the bed, eager to replay every single moment and have the best sleep she’d had in what felt like forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ( a bit shorter than usual but it felt right to end it there. thank you all for your understanding in regard to my delay in posting this next chapter. you've been wonderful! i've not had time yet to reply to all your amazing feedback but will definitely do so, both here and on tumblr. as always, thank you so much for reading and going on this journey with me ❤️)


	13. Chapter 13

The next morning they all met up for breakfast as per usual. Claire avoided making eye contact with James, as she knew what they’d shared the previous night just might become all too apparent, her infamous glass face ever betraying her. She did steal quick glances and on one occasion their gazes collided and they couldn’t seem to be able to break away, not until Murtagh cleared his throat repeating the question he’d addressed James. He proceeded to answer and shortly excused himself, invoking a call he had to make.

Claire waited the respectable 5-ish minutes until she also tried to extricate herself from the table only to be joined by Murtagh “I’ll walk with ye to the lobby”

“Oh, alright” she smiled and they made their way out of the hotel’s restaurant

“So, Claire. I hear my lad will be taking ye on a... trip” he raised his eyebrow for emphasis

She crossed her arms over her chest “Your _lad_? Last I heard he was a grown man”

They approached the elevators and he pressed the button “He is. But I’ve kent him since he was a wee lad and he’ll always be a lad tae me. He’s matured quite beyond his years and some events really took a toll. Last _I heard_ ye were a marrit woman”

She gasped “For Christ’s sake, Murtagh!” she whispered “Someone might hear you!”

“Let them!” he barked “I’m not going to sit here with my arms crossed and wait for this train wreck to happen right before my eyes. You leave James out of it, whatever ye’ve got going on in yer life. The lad’s had more than his fair share of hardship and I willna let him jump right into this mess”

She narrowed her eyes, stepping closer to him “You... you insufferable scot! You think you know everything, don’t you? Jamie clearly hasn’t told you everything, and I’m glad he didn’t, you wouldn’t understand it if it hit you straight in the face!”

He laughed, humor never reaching his eyes “I ken fine what lust can make a man do, lass. Ye’re a bonny one, and I don’t even think ye mean harm, but ye should get yer life sorted before ye drag anyone else into yer problems! Besides,” he paused, squinting at her “He should be here, training some more on his spare time on the tournament, I willna have him put his career at stake for some Sassenach lassie!”

The elevator’s doors opened and she scoffed, hating that her eyes were getting teary. Surely her hormones were playing with her, as she’d never be caught dead tearing up before anyone, save for Jamie and even that was a hard feat “I’m sorry you feel that way, Murtagh” she eventually said, trying to calm herself “I know you mean well and that maybe you lack diplomacy but not sentiment when it comes to Jamie. I will however warn you to stay out of it. It’s not your life, not your decision to make. I’ll take the stairs”

As she reached her suite and fumbled for her keys, the door to James’ opened and he reached for her, effectively pulling her inside. His smile faded once he got a good look at her “What’s the matter?”

She sighed “I really shouldn’t be paying any mind to it, and I shouldn’t even be telling you. I know he means well, it’s just...”

“Murtagh” James nodded “What did he tell ye?”

“It doesn’t matter, Jamie. I wish you hadn’t told him about us, though”

“I didn’t mean to, he figured it out himself. He kens me well”

She raised his eyebrow “Did he also figure out that I happen to be still married?”

“I had to tell him why I needed help with yer documents. He’s the one with all the... connections” he grimaced

“He wants me out of the picture”

“He said that?” James froze

She laughed “That, and a bit more! He’s quite adamant I’m no good for you and that I should keep my distance. He didn’t put it quite as nicely though, of course”

James frowned, nodding “I’ve had just about enough of him playing the godfather. Where does he get off talking to ye like that?”

“Where are you going?” she caught his wrist as he was about to leave

“To put some sense back into the old coot’s head! If he ever had any tae begin with!”

“Don’t be ridiculous!” she hissed “What, and make matters worse, prove him he was right about me and that I’m turning you against him now, on top of it all? Besides, you’re the one who said you owed him a whole lot. As I said. He means well. It’s the way he said it that got to me more than anything”

“I’ll not have him speak to ye that way, not him nor anyone else” he narrowed his eyes at her “What do ye take me for? Do ye really think I’d let anyone treat ye this way and let them get away with it?”

“Oh, God, Jamie. Will you please calm down? I can handle it, I won’t break just because a man raised his voice at me!”

He inhaled audibly, clearly not convinced, but seemingly deciding to let the matter go, for the time being. “I willna let him ruin our trip for us” he finally said

“Oh? Is that still on the table?”

He frowned “Do ye not want it tae be?”

“I do. I told you, Jamie. I’m letting you set the pace”

He lowered his eyes to her lips “Och, aye, ye’ve made that clear. And did ye... enjoy the pace I set?”

She leaned in closer to him “Didn’t I make _that_ abundantly clear as well?”

He closed his eyes, inhaling sharply “Ye did. And I plan tae hear ye make it clear again” he opened his eyes, his irises fully dilated “And again...” he bent to give her a thorough kiss “...and again.”

“I’m all for that” she whispered smilingly against his lips and then pulled away slightly “Err... he did mention another thing, though. He said you should stay here and practice, that you’re endangering your career leaving the tournament... even if it is on your spare time”

James scoffed “Dinna fash about that, lass. I’m not doing anything hasty, my career is pretty important to me as well, ken”

“Alright, then” she smiled “Where are we going?”

“Well, I took the liberty of booking an airbnb. Hope ye like it”

Claire was too busy struggling to figure out what exactly “airbnb” meant, was it a bed and breakfast somewhere on a mountaintop?

He caught her puzzled expression “Forget about Murtagh, lass. I’ll be sure to have a word with him when we get back though. As for now, go pack and I’ll wait for ye down in the lobby alright?”

When they arrived at the airport Claire was worried that the term “airbnb” was in fact quite literal, but the flight was short, no more than an hour, and thankfully she did not see any beds on board. That would’ve been just a bit _too much._

Edinburgh. She wondered why he’d picked this place. She was also happy to be the proud possessor of an identity card and birth certificate. Apparently Murtagh really did have his connections.

James rented a car and she was surprised to see him drive up to an apartment building. He carried their bags up to the 3rd floor and she was surprised yet again to fish out a key out of his pocket and open the door himself.

“Is this your apartment?” she asked as he gestured for her to enter

“Nah, lass, I told ye. Airbnb. If ye dinna like it just say the word, we dinna have to stay”

“Oh, no. I love it. It’s very cozy. Very homey”

“Quite the opposite to Lallybroch, aye?” he said, closing the door behind him. She started to protest but he stopped her “I told ye, it needs work. It’s not a home, not _yet_ ”

“I’m sorry you feel that way Jamie. Lallybroch is wonderful. Yes, it may need a bit of work but it does feel homey to me”

He gazed at her for a long while a smile playing on his lips “I’m verra glad to hear ye say that, Claire”

She smiled back “So. Edinburgh. Any reason?”

He shrugged playfully “There may be. On that note, we should probably get going”

“Going? We just got here!”

“I wanted to check in and leave our bags here first, make sure ye liked the place”

“Where are we going, then?”

“Well now. It’s a surprise. Humor me?”

She sighed smilingly “Oh, alright”

They made their way downstairs and Claire was surprised to see they wouldn’t be taking the car. He took her hand in his and they began strolling the streets of Edinburgh

“Glad to see the rain didn’t decide to follow us here” Claire sighed, the sun warming her body, or was it that her heart was generating the warmth?

“Well, this _is_ Scotland and ye can’t really escape the rain. But aye, I’d say ‘tis a perfect day” he smiled at her “Do ye mind if we skip lunch and get an early dinner today? I’d like to take ye somewhere”

She raised an eyebrow smilingly “What are you up to, James Fraser?”

He laughed “Again with the Fraser. Tis yer name now”

“I just think it suits you”

“I’ll no argue with that. It does have a nice ring to it. I told ye, that’s why I chose it for yer legal documents”

He tsked “Dinna bring him up, lass, he’s lucky we had to leave for the airport before I could confront him on what he’s done to ye”

“He was just trying to protect you, Jamie. I think it’s something he takes very seriously”

He smirked “I’m a grown man, I dinna need protecting. How can ye be so understanding, lass? After all he’s said to ye? I ken well ye haven’t even told me the whole extent of it”

She smiled to herself. She understood Murtagh and his ways more than she could possibly explain “I’m also a grown woman, Jamie, and I don’t need protecting either. I let him know just how I felt about what he had to say. That being said, I am happy to see him look out for you, it’s a rare thing and you should appreciate his intention, even if you don’t particularly agree with his methods.”

He gazed at her “That’s verra mature of ye, Claire” he cleared his throat “I will, however, still have that _talk_ with him letting him know exactly how _I_ feel about it all. I’m glad however than ye could find it in yer heart to understand where he came from. Takes a big heart to show such empathy”

“Well, I don’t know about all that...”

“ _I_ do. This is why we’re here, ken”

She furrowed her brows “I don’t get your meaning”

He took a few more paces and brought the both of them to a stop, sitting in front of a big, imposing building “Perfect timing” he grinned “I hope ye give this a thought, lass. Mind ye, I dinna want ye to feel like ye have to make a decision right now. It’s still early on in the year, plenty of time still to sign up for admission”

“Admission?” she looked at him puzzled, then followed his gaze towards the building, a bronze plaque read “University of Edinburgh- MEDICAL SCHOOL”. Her mouth fell agape “Medical school?” she turned her gaze back to Jamie who was looking at her intently

“I had this idea that kept popping up in my head now and again. Since ye canna legally prove yer previous training as a nurse, maybe ye’d like to take on a new adventure. I think ye’d be a wonderful doctor, Claire. Ye’ve a gift. Nursing is all well and good but few people can really take on such a career. It takes a kind heart, a stubborn personality, a fierce determination and a gifted person to take on such a journey”

She was speechless “Wow. Goodness... well, I won’t lie, I have thought of it... time and again. But can women... I mean, are they regarded as equals to fellow male doctors, do you think?”

James let out a laugh “Certainly, lass. ‘Tis the 21st century after all. If anything, I’d say women are even better doctors”

“Just like you think men are better chefs?”

James nodded “Aye, actually. Women are more... motherly, more gentle, more empathic. Ye just proved so. Not to say men canna be great doctors or women great chefs, I’m just generalizing, stereotypical as it may be” he shrugged

She nodded and turned her head back to the imposing building, a chill going through her. She’d never dreamt of such a thing back in her own time. Much less back in Jamie’s. But somewhere deep down she _did_ feel the calling. But even as she let herself be lulled by the dream of one day becoming a doctor, she couldn’t. For she was about to be a mother. And that came first. She turned back to James, wishing she could tell him all that was going on in her mind and in her heart. She decided to keep in mind always to tell him the truth, even if omitting telling him other truths for the time being “I will consider it, Jamie. Thank you for the surprise. It means a lot that you think I could really be a doctor. It’s a dream I’ve kept a secret even to myself”

“I’m glad tae hear it, lass. I hope ye allow yerself to dream it into reality”

Her heart skipped hearing him say those words and she closed the space between them, kissing him wholeheartedly.

After an early dinner at a nice restaurant, they made their way quietly back to the apartment, hand in hand. But this time, there was a palpable tension between them. The apartment had one bedroom, and even though she’d seen a sofa in the living area, she didn’t want him to take it, especially not after the progress they’d made the previous night. She gazed at him subtly from under her lashes. She now realized how easy it had been for her in the past when Jamie had all those layers of clothing on, and she could keep her lust for him in check. Sure, the promise of a viking’s body was apparent then as well, but it was quite different having him walk around in those tight shirts that accentuated every muscle on his body. Panting heavily, having worked herself up just by ogling him, she took a few deep breaths to try and pace herself until they reached the apartment. She’d allowed him to set the pace and was determined to stick to it. He was having trouble making peace with the fact that she was, when it came down to it, a runaway married woman. But he obviously couldn’t deny the attraction, either. The fact that he’d left the room unsatisfied the other night was not lost on her. She was determined to return the favor, if he let her. She bit her lower lip as they made their way upstairs, her mind racing. He was awfully quiet as well and it was quite obvious that the same question was uppermost in both their heads. How could it not?

She broke the silence “Do you mind if I showered first?”

He cleared his throat “Not at all. Go on”

Finishing cleaning up, she realized she hadn’t brought her nightgown into the bathroom with her to change into. She decided to wrap a towel around her body and even though it barely surpassed her buttocks, she realized she had no alternative but to stride out of the bathroom as she was, not wanting to put back on her street clothes. She hoped James would not be upset, she wasn’t exactly making it any easier for him walking before him nearly naked, but she had no other choice.

He was sitting on the sofa when she emerged from the bathroom and his eyes immediately darkened.

“I’m sorry” she worried her lower lip “I forgot to bring my nightgown into the bathroom. I promise I’m not trying to be a tease”

He frowned as he stood up “There’s no need to apologize, lass. If anything, I’m the one that’s been teasing ye. Ye’ve been quite clear about what ye wanted from the get go, and it’s nothing but a turn on for a woman to be honest about what she wants and not be afraid to get it”

She gulped, tightening the grip on her towel. His husky tone was effectively warming up her skin and she could feel all the water droplets begin to evaporate. She lowered her gaze and stepped aside, allowing him free passage. He walked slowly towards the bathroom and stopped just inches away from her, visibly fighting an internal battle. She knew she had the power now to make up his mind with just one look, so she avoided his gaze until he finally moved and closed the door to the bathroom behind him.

She let out a shuddering breath and walked towards her bags. She hadn’t packed much, just the essentials for a short trip as James instructed, but she was having trouble finding her nightgown. Surely she’d packed it. She kept looking but soon came to the realization that she’d had a smaller bag with all her toiletries in which she’d also placed her lingerie and nightgown that was missing. Had she left it at the hotel? _Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ!!!_

She sat on the edge of the bed and placed her forehead in her palms, rubbing it, trying to soothe away an impending headache. What bothered her the most was the fact that she’d left back her special lingerie at the hotel, the one she was planning on wearing, in hopes of their relationship taking a step further during their trip. _And to think of how much it’d cost..._ Hearing the water tap go off, she panicked, and jumped into bed, throwing the towel across a nearby chair. She turned off the side lamp, mortified, pulling the quilt tightly against her body. No way he would believe for a moment that she’d conveniently forgotten all her toiletries back at Windsor. The last thing she wanted was for him to think that she was presumptuous regarding their trip, or that she was blatantly ignoring the fact that she’d allowed him to set the pace. No. This was pushing it. He was, after all, a red blooded man as she very well was aware, and if he knew she was waiting under the quilt stark naked it would absolutely ruin all the progress, for she wanted him to be comfortable taking the next step, fully aware of the implications, and not just take a lust driven decision in the heat of the moment.

She didn’t get the chance to close the door to the bedroom, which would’ve been awkward anyway, so she watched him step out of the bathroom wearing just his pajama bottoms. Her breath caught, as it always did, never fully getting enough of his gorgeous body, but then she snapped out of her reverie as he approached the bedroom “Sassenach?” he squinted his eyes, trying to spot her through the darkness of the bedroom

“Yes” she replied in a small voice

He took a tentative step inside “Are ye alright? Did I wake ye up, were ye dozing off?”

She cleared her throat “No, not really”

He sighed “I wasna planning on jumping on ye, now that we’re alone again and have the whole place to ourselves. There’a a couch, I’ll take it” she could hear the smile tugging at his lips as he said so

“I know”

He approached the bed further and sat on the edge, his eyes getting accustomed to the dark “But I could sleep here... if ye’d prefer”

Her breath caught “I thought you were the one setting the pace”

“I am”

“Oh” she breathed shakily, realization dawning on her

“So” he nearly whispered

“So”

He laughed softly, low in his chest “Ye were very clear on what ye wanted before, Sassenach. What changed? Cat caught yer tongue?”

“Come here” she whispered, emboldened.

He began panting as well, she could see his muscles flexing in the moonlight that crept in from the window, and the light from the hallway shone like a soft aura against his figure “To bed? Or to sleep?”

She bit her lower lip in anticipation as he stood and circled the bed, throwing his side of the quilt aside. He sat and turned towards her, slowly, reaching for her, and tilted her chin as he looked into her eyes adoringly “If ye’re having seconds thoughts... this doesna have to go any further, lass. I dinna want ye thinking I brought ye here for this. I really did want us to spend more time together, just the two of us, the distance was getting unbearable. I ken I was the one to want to take things slow... and apparently ye canna set a pace on intimacy. It needs to run its own course”

She reached to caress his bottom lip with her thumb and he caught her hand in his, kissing the inside of her palm “I know we’ve just known eachother for a short while, but I knew since the moment I first saw ye that I wanted ye. I canna explain it. At first I thought it was just physical attraction, but the more time I spent with ye the more I realized it goes much deeper than that. I know next tae nothing about ye, really. But somehow, I feel like I’ve known ye since forever. I _know_ ye in a way I canna explain”

“I feel the same way, Jamie” she whispered

He smiled “I told ye, no one calls me that. But when ye do, it feels so right. It makes me feel... like home”

A tear fell down her cheek and it glistened in the moonlight, he frowned “No, mo chridhe. Dinna weep. I dinna mean to frighten ye with all this, I know it’s too much, too soon...”

Hearing him call her that, made her lose it altogether, and she pushed herself into his arms, kissing him with abandon “It’s not, Jamie. This is right, so right. I feel it, too. Please, don’t fight it anymore”

Encouraged by her words, he drew her to his chest, deepening their kiss until he realized he was caressing her bare back “Christ!”

“I swear I didn’t plan any of it, Jamie. I forgot my toiletries at the hotel. I wasn’t planning on seducing you against your will”

“Against my will?” he chuckled and pressed her back into the pillow, placing a leg in between hers, gently pressing his body to hers “Och, lass, ye would never wear any clothes if it were my will. A Dhia. Claire... yer body...” he roamed his trembling hands softly across her arms, the top of her breasts, her thighs, then finally settling on her bare hips, pulling her tighter against him “It’s driving me mad with want to have ye like this.” He pushed himself up on his elbows, gazing upon her nakedness with lustful eyes “I canna believe ye’re real, ye’re carved from my wildest fantasies”

He bent his mouth then to her collarbones, leaving trails of hot wet kisses in its wake. He descended towards her breasts and panting heavily he caressed them and brought them to his eager mouth, eliciting moans of ecstasy from her lips “And those wee sounds ye make” he growled “I want to hear them all, dinna hold back on me, lass”

“Oh, Jamie” she cried as he sucked on her nipples with increased pressure

“Aye, tell me what ye want, and I’ll give it to ye”

“I want _you_ ” she panted, pulling his mouth to hers, their lips, tongues and teeth clashing together in wild frenzy.

He explored her mouth while his hands roamed all over her body, finally descending between her legs and she arched her back as if electrocuted when he finally probed her with his fingers “Yes! Touch me, Jamie”

“Christ, ye’re so ready for me. I’m ready to consume ye and leave nothing behind, Sassenach” he growled against her jawline as he gently tugged on her earlobe with his teeth while simultaneously stroking her clit.

Before she knew it, he threw the quilt aside, and quickly positioned himself between her legs, but to her astonishment he bent his head again to her breasts, resuming his work with his skilled fingers. She arched her back, pushing her hips into his hand and her breasts into his wet mouth and then he released the one he was worshiping with a loud pop just to close his lips around her clit next.

“OH GOD!”

He chuckled against her sending vibrations right to her core and she pulled his head even closer to her quim, holding his head tightly by his curls

He added another finger inside her, increasing the rhythm as well and she soon cried out, spasming violently.

Before she could come to her senses, she pulled his head in for a kiss, her hand lowering in search of velvety steel. She stroked him with intent and when he didn’t object, or try to stop her, she guided him into her.

“Christ! Oh, God, Claire” he pushed into her slowly, letting her adjust to the size of him. He rolled his eyes back in pleasure and inhaled deeply, pacing himself

“Please, Jamie. It’s your turn not to hold back. Give me everything” she moaned

He braced himself and began a punishing rhythm, giving her all of him. Her cries of pleasure only spurred him on and he then deepened his penetration as he placed her legs over his shoulders, driving into her relentlessly. He grunted seeing her break apart again, this time even more powerfully, and her spasms finally pushed him over the edge, milking him thoroughly with a deep groan of satisfaction. He collapsed beside her and struggled to catch his breath, whilst she clung onto him for dear life

“That was...” he panted “Is it always like that?” he asked incredulously

“What do you mean?” she asked, kissing his chest, nestling against it

“I thought my heart was going tae burst” he let out a laugh and she followed

“Well, were your previous... experiences any different?”

He scoffed “Experiences? Och, lass” he laughed

“What?” she leaned on her elbow looking at him intently

“Claire... I hope ye won’t be terribly disappointed, but my experience is quite limited. The only time I....” he trailed off

“What? What’s the matter?”

He looked at her worriedly “I canna believe I’ve been this careless. Shite!”

“What?” she sat up on the bed as he jumped off it and began pacing the bedroom, his hands combing furiously through his curls “Jamie, you’re frightening me, what’s the matter?”

He stopped, pulled his pajama bottoms on and placed his hands on his hips “Claire. The only time I had sex before is the only time it took for me to leave a woman pregnant”

“What?” she stared at him, pulling the quilt to her bosom “Do you honestly mean to tell me you only had sex once before?”

He frowned “Lass, I don’t think ye’re grasping the real issue here”

“You said you’d had a thing going on with.... her, for a while”

“Aye, we fooled around a bit but it never got further than heavy petting and kissing. When it did, I wasna prepared for it, I didn’t plan on it. And she wasn’t on birth control either. Please tell me ye are!”

She fought really hard not to tell him that she was on the most effective birth control there was. But the realization that he was so scared of having impregnated her sobered her up a bit “You don’t have to worry about that” she said in a small voice

He let out a deep breath, rushing towards her and kissing her, cupping her face “Sorry to ruin the mood, lass. It’s just... I canna believe it slipped my mind once again. Ye’d think I’d learned my lesson...”

She placed her hands over his “Jamie. No wonder this was such a big deal to you. What you’re telling me is the day you lost your virginity is the day you unknowingly became a father. That’s a lot to take in, not to mention she died in childbirth... oh, Jamie” she placed her hands around his shoulders and held on tight

“No, Sassenach” he pulled away slowly “I dinna want this to be about all that. This is about us” he kissed her fingers delicately and then held her hand against his rapidly beating heart “I’ve never felt this way before, ever. What happened between me and Geneva... doesn’t even scratch the surface. I was feeling sorry for her for being in a loveless marriage. The lads had been teasing me about my virginity. It was a heat of the moment decision. And I regretted it afterward. It left me feeling hollow. But this... what happened between us just now? That was nothing short of perfect” he kissed her “Tae have ye like this, trembling in my arms, to be able to give ye pleasure” he groaned “It makes me feel like God himself”

His words were not lost on her and she made a conscious effort not to laugh at his enthusiasm this time. She smiled against his lips and decided to make him feel like that again, pulling him once more on top of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (eagerly waiting to hear your thoughts on this important chapter ❤️ thank you all for reading!)


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> had a reaaaaaaaaaally difficult time getting this chapter where i wanted it. it's a pretty important one, and i wanted it just right. if i keep brooding over it any longer i'll end up never posting it at all, so here it goes *inhales sharply*

Claire was positively spent, satisfied and should’ve been sound asleep, middle of the night as it were. The mere fact that she was once again sleeping alongside Jamie after so long made her feel like finally, _finally,_ everything was falling back into place, like puzzle pieces. Except they weren’t. Not quite. She’d had the opportunity of telling him the truth and she chose not to. It wasn’t the right time, granted, but still, seeing him so worked up over the mere possibility of leaving her pregnant should have been enough for her to come out clean, but she didn’t. She chose not to. She lied.

She’d been lying to him ever since she got there, and it was eating at her. She kept telling herself she’d tell him _soon,_ that the moment was not quite right, that she’d find the perfect opportunity, that they were not yet in a place where she could risk springing that on him.

But now, after coming together as one once more she was more afraid than ever to tell him and risk the truth sending him running for the hills.

She looked at him, sound asleep. He looked so peaceful, almost boyish in his slumber. She smiled to herself, thinking that finally she had the opportunity to prove he was Jamie without a shadow of a doubt, and reaching his lips, she caressed them gently with her fingertips, and sure enough, the most peaceful smile donned his handsome face.

Her heart sank. She yearned to tell him, to tell him _everything..._ She was so lost in thought that she didn’t even notice his eyes slowly open “What is it, mo chridhe?”

She smiled, and whispered “I’m just looking at you. Go back to sleep”

He smirked “Well, that’s not creepy at all”

“Shush, you” she admonished playfully

“Have I not served ye well, then? Are ye not absolutely exhausted after all that?” he raised an eyebrow

“This isn’t a thirst you could ever quench, I’m afraid”

He turned to her then “Is that so? Challenge accepted”

She giggled, but he’d already pulled her closer against him and began kissing her neck languorously and before she could protest he moved her on top to straddle him “Since ye're not sleepy, seems ye need to spend yer energy somehow”

“Oh?” she raised an eyebrow

“Aye” he pushed inside her slowly yet deliberately and she let her head fall back, moaning deeply

He splayed his big palms over her arse and set a rhythm, and soon she was moving against him on her own accord, and he simply held her, fondling her backside, her breasts, gathering her hair to the side and pulling her by the curls in for a thorough kiss. She braced herself on his toned chest and pushed herself against it, her moving becoming more and more frantic

“That’s it, Sassenach. Ride me hard” he grunted as he fought to restrain his urge to spill into her. Her bouncing breasts, her loud cries of ecstasy, the feel of her engulfing him completely and the sight of her unravelling before him, too much to bear. Finally he gripped her by the hips aiding her movements, and reached his thumb to stroke her clit, sending her spiraling in no time. She shuddered against him and he came in violent spurts inside her, the aftershocks of her orgasm still contracting against him even as she stilled, collapsed on top of him, thoroughly spent

“I can’t feel my limbs” she murmured against his chest, eventually

He chuckled proudly and flipped them so that he spooned her, gathering her into his arms, burying his face into her curls “Sleep now, Sassenach. I’ve got ye”

“Ye’re really not a morning person, are ye?”

She opened one eye first, then the other, only to immediately get lost into a pool of cerulean blue “Morning” she smiled

“More like afternoon” he raised his eyebrow “Up with ye” he slapped her bare arse playfully and she squealed as he jumped off bed, already dressed and ready for the day

“Why did you have to still be such a morning person?” she mumbled from under the quilt as she pulled it over her head

“What’s that?” he laughed as he turned to see her hidden, and pulling her by the ankle slid her down the bed “Christ, ye’re even lovelier in daylight” he said huskily, his eyes roaming over her naked body from a distance, taking all of her in

She scoffed “Like hell I am”

He pulled her further down the bed until her legs dangled over the edge and knelt in front of her “Does it ever stop? The wanting ye? God, I need tae taste ye” he said in a grave voice and Claire took one look at his face to know he was dead serious. She whimpered as he pulled her even closer still by her thighs, his palms under her arse, spreading her open “Just the scent of ye got me fit tae burst”

She kept whimpering as he was teasing her, rubbing his face against her thighs, his mouth hovering just above where she needed him “Ye’re sae wet for me already” he groaned, finally touching her gently, spreading her moisture with his fingers, gently probing her entrance

“Jamie...”

“Ye’re intoxicating” he murmured as he finally placed his wet mouth on her, caressing her with his tongue as if he were kissing her. He lapped at her and began sucking her clit gently and her moans were encouraging him to keep up the rhythm. But when he thrust one long finger inside of her she pushed herself onto her elbows

“I need you, Jamie”

“Not yet” he shook his head against her making her cry out

“Now! Please!”

He couldn’t refuse her when she detached herself from his loving mouth and simply turned around, on her knees, waiting for him

“Christ!” he growled “I’ve imagined ye like that more times than I’m proud to admit, Sassenach. Yer perfect, round arse... it’ll be the death of me” he fumbled with his belt, not bothering undressing, and pushed into her to the hilt

She arched her back and pushed back into him “Don’t be gentle”

“I dinna think I could” he grunted “God, ye’re perfect”

“Oh, God, Jamie. Don’t you stop” she cried “Don’t you dare stop”

When he did eventually stop they were lost in eachother, and already too spent to feel like they could take on the day. She managed to coax him into lying in bed some more and soon they were both dozing off, wrapped in eachother’s arms

“How are you so good at this?” she whispered languidly

He chuckled “I dinna ken, I’m a bit surprised as well. Is it... always like this? Ye dinna answer me last night when I asked ye before. Is it usual, what it is between us when I touch ye, when you lie with me? Is it always so between a man and a woman?”

She smiled at him, choking up on emotion, and remembering when he’d asked her that before, she took his hand in hers “No, this isn’t usual. It’s different”

“I thought so... it wasna like this at all, with... well, with Geneva. But I canna really compare, that was quite brief, and what with me being a virgin...”

“I’m still having a hard time believing you’re so inexperienced” she hummed

He looked at her intently “I told ye, lass. No room for lies. I’ve no reason to lie to ye, least of all not about this”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that” she caressed his face “You just... really seem to know what you’re doing, alright” she beamed and he smiled back at her

“That’s because yer body calls out tae me. I canna explain it. I just know. I feel it in my fingers, in my whole body, what I should do next and I can anticipate how ye’d react tae it. I can only compare it to riding”

Her smile went crooked momentarily “What, horses, you mean?”

“Well, aye. Just like I ken how a horse would react to the tiniest movement and just how I know just how to bring it to do what I want it tae do... it’s the same with ye, Sassenach”

She groaned against his shoulder “You and your horse analogies to love making...”

He furrowed his eyebrows smilingly “What’s that?”

“Nothing” she sighed and nestled into his arms “I understand what you mean. In short, you’re what I call a _very_ good lover”

He hummed “Well. Canna say that displeases me. Though by the way ye said it, seems as though ye’ve come across more than just the one”

She raised an eyebrow at him “What are you really asking me?” she smiled

“There wasna any question there, lass” he trailed off, hugging her tighter to him “Although ye do know more about my love life, than I do of yers. But that’s information I offered voluntarily and I dinna-“

A phone call brought them back to reality, and James grabbed his phone, seeing Dougal’s name displayed “Ach, perfect timing ye bastard...” he said before taking the call

She giggled but could still hear Dougal at the other end “I gather this is not a good time for ye?”

“On with it” James cleared his throat, eliciting more giggles from Claire, which she did try to muffle against a pillow

“Bad news, I’m afraid, lad. The weather took an unexpected turn and the organizers felt like there was no point in delaying in further. Ye need to get back ASAP”

“How ASAP are we talking, precisely?”

“ASAP, ASAP. Ye need to get here this evening”

“Fecking hell...” he mumbled under his breath

“Say hi to Claire from us, will ye?” Dougal added amusedly and then hung up

James sighed and she followed “Well, I suppose that means the cat is out of the bag”

“I’m sorry, lass. I know ye wanted to keep it tae ourselves”

“It’s alright. It was getting to be too much of a hassle. Plus I’m fairly certain they were onto us from the beginning”

“Well, they didn’t say so if they did, which was either very courteous of them or they were simply talking about it behind our backs. I’m willing the wager it was the latter”

“Yeah, me too” she chuckled “So, we need to get going? So soon?” she pouted

He bent to kiss her “I’m afraid so. Thankfully ye won’t be prancing around without yer underwear for too long”

She scoffed “My failure to pack things properly is what put that grin on your face, you ungrateful Scot!”

He laughed, and playfully slapped her bottom before jumping out of bed and heading towards the bathroom “That’s all it took, did it?”

She laughed and finally got out of bed, stretched her limbs only to find that she was exquisitely sore all over, and reached for her street clothes from the other day. No use for a change of outfit for just another plane ride back.

She quickly packed what little she’d unpacked and strolled around the apartment, finally taking it in. It really was quite nice.

“Ye like it here, don’t ye?”

“I do” she smiled

“Maybe ye could stay here. If ye decide to enroll, that is”

She looked at him for a moment “Oh. I didn’t even think about it that way. Of course you’d be living at Lallybroch...”

“Canna desert the place after I struggled so hard to make it a home” he shrugged “But Edinburgh is just a 3 hour drive away... Although, after last night it does seem a bit too long, now that I think about it”

“I don’t know, Jamie... I really have to think about it...”

“I know. We’ll figure it out, alright? It’s the two of us now” he smiled at her, pulling her into his embrace and she buried her head into his chest, never wanting to leave.

After a few more phonecalls, James managed to secure tickets on the only flight leaving for Windsor that afternoon

“But that’s just an hour until departure. We’ll never make it in time” she’d seen the whole process of checking in and how long everything took, and the prospect of making it in time for boarding seemed really far fetched

“We’ll have tae hurry, aye, but it’s either that or we drive for 7 hours straight”

“Ugh. Okay”

They stopped to drop the keys in the mail box, then hurried to the car and James started the engine, hitting the road quite literally.

Once they reached the first red light he drummed his fingers against the steering wheel and glanced at her “Yer seatbelt, Claire”

“What? Oh” she always seemed to forget to fasten her seatbelt. He unfastened his in order to be able to reach over, as she was fumbling with hers, and bent over to secure it in place.

_What followed, Claire could see in her mind’s eye as if she’d not experienced it herself, but seen a movie in which this particular scene was filmed in slow motion._

James inhaled sharply as he flinched into consciousness. He struggled to look around but, laying on his stomach as he was, managed to turn around slightly only to grunt audibly. Apparently it’d been quite loud since a nurse came rushing in

“Sir, please stand still”

“Why the devil can’t I move?” he groaned, finally giving up, his chest heaving against the pillow”

“You’ve suffered skin grafts, on your back. Please don’t make any harsh movements!”

“Skin grafts?” he muttered, then groaned again “My heid, it’s splitting in two”

“Please sir, try and relax, I’ll send the doctor in”

“Wait-“ but she was gone before he could ask her any further questions. As he tried to find a position in which his back didn’t feel like it would peel off inch by inch, his mind raced.

He heard the door open and without moving, having learnt his lesson he asked “Doctor, can ye tell me what’s happened?” he grunted “And can ye please give me something for my head?”

“A smack would do ye good, how about that?”

“Murtagh?”

“Ye scared me half to death ye eejit!”

“Can ye stop blabbering and tell me what exactly happened?”

Murtagh grabbed a chair and sat next to James’ bed, so that he could face him without having to move “Ye dinna remember?”

James stared at him in annoyance “Would ye get on with it?!”

Murtagh looked at him for a long moment and finally said “Ye were in a car accident”

James blinked a few times, his brows furrowing then said in a low voice “I dinna remember anything about a car accident”

“Hmpf. Nay wonder. The doctors said it could happen. The shock of it all, plus they had to put ye in an induced coma. Ye had internal bleeding”

“What kind of car accident?”

Murtagh grimaced impatiently “How many kinds are there?”

“Was anybody hurt? Christ... was it my fault?”

“Nay, lad. It wasna yer fault. Ye were sitting at a red light. Some other eejit drove right into yers. Apparently he was piss drunk”

“Was anyone hurt?”

Murtagh took another pause “Ye were the only one with severe injuries”

James sighed in relief “What’s this I hear about skin grafts?”

“Ye went flying out the side window. Yer back was shredded to pieces”

James’ eyes widened at that. He appeared lost in thought for quite some time until Murtagh asked “Are ye ok, lad? Ye seem really out of it”

“I just came out of a coma”

“Aye, but I can see yer mind racing. Anything else ye wanna talk about?”

James stared at Murtagh for a long while “It’s just... the damnedest thing”

“What is?”

“How long was I out of it?”

“Would ha been a week today”

“Just a week? I feel like I’ve been...” Murtagh raised an eyebrow waiting for him to continue “I feel as though a whole other life has come and gone since. Crazy what the mind conjures...”

Murtagh cleared his throat “Aye, well. I suppose that’s tae be expected when ye sleep for a week straight”

“Where’s that blasted doctor, I need something for this migraine” James huffed placing his forehead against the pillow shutting his eyes tight

“I’ll fetch him”

James couldn’t believe he’d been in an accident. He couldn’t remember driving, even. Where was he headed when it happened? What was he doing? He drew a blank. Still feeling drowsy, and his head throbbing as it was, he tried to go back to the world his mind had created whilst he’d been out cold. It gave him a sense of peace, but also urgency, he felt as though he mustn’t lose his grasp on it, least he forgot it all, just like it happens with all dreams. So fresh in memory upon waking up, slowly but surely losing details as minutes pass, only to be forgotten completely as mundane tasks busied the mind.

“Mr. Malcolm. Glad to have you back amongst us” the doctor smiled, bringing him back to reality, and sat on the chair Murtagh had moved “I’ve instructed the nurse to give you something for your migraine, she’ll just be a moment”

“Doctor, I’m having some trouble... remembering the day of the accident. And a while back, even. Is this normal?”

“Quite. Don’t worry, unless it’s some kind of emotional blockage, everything should come back to you in a few days. If it doesn’t, I’ll ask you to seek psychiatric help while back in Inverness, to help you surpass it. Although I doubt that’s the case, it’s usually with more traumatic accidents that happens, yours wasn’t that bad, if you don’t count your back injury. I’ve seen way worse in such collisions so I would dare say you came out of it quite well”

“I’m a professional polo player, will this affect my career?”

“I’ll have to do a full physical and neurological evaluation first, but there shouldn’t be any problems. You had internal bleeding that we caught in time and the induced coma helped you recover thoroughly, a few minor fractures that we’ve taken care of. Of course you won’t be able to go back on tournament, as your friend has informed us you were expected to”

“Aye.... right. The tournament”

“You can’t remember it? I hear it’s been ongoing for a few weeks”

James thought for a moment and shook his head slightly, wincing at the pain. _Where is that nurse?!_ “No, I canna remember anything about that”

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

His mind raced “I can’t be too sure. It’s pretty fuzzy” his eyes widened “I remember Dougal. Was he with me? In the car?” his eyes shot up at Murtagh who was standing beside the doctor

“No, he wasna there. What about him?”

“He was spitting blood out of his mouth, he wasna breathing right...” his brows furrowed “Are ye sure? He looked as if he was struggling tae stay alive”

“Nay, lad, fit as a fiddle, the auld bastard”

“Hmpf. And what’s this about going back tae Inverness? Are we in Windsor then, for the tournament?”

“You’re in Edinburgh” the doctor clarified

“Edinburgh?”

“Good, nurse, please set another IV for that and have the patient come in for a neurological assessment when it’s through”

“Right away, sir”

“Thank ye, doctor”

Murtagh reclaimed his place on the chair as the nurse busied herself with her task at hand “Do ye no remember the tournament then?”

James winced, trying to move a bit “How bad is ma back, exactly? And no, I dinna remember. How far along did we come? The lads are probably downright angry with me I reckon”

Murtagh gestured with his hand for him not to bother with such matters “We were a few weeks in. Was going alright. They’ll live. Yer back is quite the sight, I wilna lie to ye”

James nodded, lost in thought again. To his surprise, the feeling wasn’t alien to him, as though he’d had to live with his marred back for quite a long time already. The image of Dougal’s face that he’d conjured up moments ago was still so fresh in his memory, that he struggled to believe it wasn’t real.

“Why don’t ye rest yer eyes a bit, lad, till they wheel ye in for that physical?”

“Aye, I suppose I will. Doesna feel like I’ve been asleep for the past week, let me tell ye” he halfsmiled drowsily, and let himself be lulled back to slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *peeks through fingers*  
> if you didn't see this coming, i'll consider this mission accomplished haha. of course, as always- and especially now lol- i'd loveeee to read what you think of this chapter ❤️


	15. Chapter 15

As it turned out, James had to undertake some physiotherapy, but nothing too intense, and the doctor gave him the all-clear to go back home, to Lallybroch. He still couldn’t lie on his back comfortably but it was safe to take showers- no scrubbing though, and as long as he kept away from sudden movements and steered clear from heavy lifting for a while, his back would heal properly. The scars were too deep to fade, unfortunately, but James was unfazed.

He was glad to be going home. Murtagh insisted to come along once they landed in Inverness, but James really needed some alone time. Murtagh appeared to be displeased but made no further attempt in persuading him to tag along, and so James took an uber to Lallybroch.

As the car approached the estate, James found himself staring at the old building. Something didn’t feel quite right, but he couldn’t put his finger on it.

He retrieved his bags and entered the house, and the sight nearly knocked him cold. He dropped his bags at the threshold, his shoulders sagging. He closed the door behind him and stared for a long while at the handle. Was it always like that? He could’ve sworn it’d had a different shape.

He walked to the kitchen and poured himself a dram, downing it in one gulp.

He poured himself another, and decided to put the bottle away before he let himself get carried away, and his gaze fell on something shiny near the mugs on the shelves.

He put the bottle away and delicately picked up the two rings lying there. One was gold, the other was silver.

The silver one made him think about the door handle again, for some reason. Frowningly, he held it between his fingers, staring at the intricate pattern. _The key._ He kept hearing his own voice repeating those words inside his head. Which made no sense, of course, as it was a ring of course, not a key. He placed both the rings on the countertop, taking a step back, feeling uneasy.

He downed the second glass and finally pried his gaze away from the rings. He rubbed his eyes vigorously and decided to call it an early evening.

He opened the door to the master bedroom, deciding to skip the shower. He didn’t have the energy to be gentle enough with the skin on his back, and he was way too tired to wait for a bath to draw. He stepped inside and came to a halt.

Had anyone... been there, while he’d been gone? Things seemed to be misplaced. He looked around, switching on the lights, and the walls appeared to be all too empty. Didn’t he use to have artwork? No, not paintings. Wallpaper?

His eyes roamed across the room and eventually landed on the odd man out. A large tote bag sat on a chair, one he’d never even seen before. He frowned and approached it, feeling as if he was intruding. It looked like a woman’s bag, and he knew better than to open it, but this _was_ his house and the bag was there for no apparent reason.

He gingerly took out a bunch of fabric, and as he unfolded it he realized it was clothing. Woolen, mostly, cotton too. Before he could stop himself, he brought the clothing up to his nose and inhaled deeply. He flinched, opening his eyes, grabbing the fabric with both hands, as if afraid to drop it.

He grabbed the tote bag and rummaged through it, tossing all its contents on the bed. A few more items of clothing, namely woolen stockings and lace, a pair of very worn out shoes, and a single piece of folded paper, that looked like a receipt. It was for pawning a scotch pearl necklace for 230 pounds in downtown Inverness. That was something. He decided to go there the following morning, hoping to find some answers.

He sat on the bed, bringing the clothes to his chest, clinging to them. What was happening, what was he not remembering? The scent... it was so familiar. He turned off the lights and crawled into bed, and noticed right away that the sheets had the same scent to them, mixed with a hint of his own shower gel.

Everything pointed to the obvious. A woman had been there, had slept in his bed. A woman who’d felt like she could leave her belongings there. A woman that had left her rings there, one of which clearly looked like a wedding band.

Was it possible? Had he done it _again?_ He’d sworn he’d never touch a married woman again, could he have really broken that oath? He felt thorn, disgusted with himself. Maybe this is why he wasn’t remembering, maybe the guilt of it was too much to bear.

Why those clothes, though? It looked like a costume. Maybe this was someone that had been to the memorial day parade, at Culloden Moor. Had he attended it? _Christ._ It was all so foggy. He remembered bits and pieces, he remembered talking to someone about ensuring a number of horses for the event. His mind raced, but it came up with memories of previous years when he’d attended the parade.

The doctor had warned him not to push himself, told him that the memories will eventually come to him, organically.

As his mind raced, his breathing eventually shallowed and he drifted into deep sleep.

He pushed himself away from the pillow as he flinched into consciousness, a desperate voice echoing in his head

_You are my husband, James Fraser! How dare you give up on me now? You swore to me. You promised me the protection of your body if need be!_

He panted, trying to snap out of the dream, no, _nightmare_ he was having. He felt like throwing up. He held his left hand with his right and stroked his fingers, his palm, as if to reassure himself that it was intact.

The room was now no longer clad in darkness completely and he realized dawn was upon him. _An early start it is, then._

James tried to busy himself around the stables waiting for a reasonable hour to go into town. A bit apprehensive about driving his own car yet, he decided to uber instead. He read the receipt again, checking the address for the pawn shop and he all but stumbled inside the establishment when he got there.

He slapped the receipt over the counter, in order to make his presence known and sure enough a man emerged from behind a partition

“Good day, sir. What can I do for ye?”

James nodded “I’d like to buy these pearls back... if they are still available?”

The man studied the receipt and gestured towards the display “Well, take a look, if they’re still here, they’re yers”

James furrowed his brows “Uhm, ye wouldna happen to ken the exact ones, do ye?”

The man mirrored James’ puzzled expression “Ye dinna ken which pearls ye sold me?”

“Well, it wasna me, I’m actually trying to figure out who sold them”

The man appeared even more confused “Sorry, mate, but as this wasna a loan, I had no need to draw up the seller’s name and contact info. They were sold to us outright”. He then stepped to look at the jewelry he had on display “We dinna have it anymore, anyway. These here arena scotch pearls”

“Can ye remember anything about who sold them tae ye? Was it a woman?”

The man sighed “Look man, what ye’re asking of me isna very professional, is it?”

“I understand” James nodded, his jaw setting, and he reluctantly pushed himself away from the counter

The man sighed heavily and before James exited offered “It was a lass. I dinna ken her name”

James turned back immediately “Tell me what ye remember about her”

“I remember her because the whole thing stroke me as odd in the first place” the man raised an eyebrow

“How so?”

“Well, she didna take out a loan, she just sold the pearls. She could’ve gotten a better price if so. Which tells me she didna want her name linked tae it. She didna strike me as a thief, though. Naturally, after sae many years I’ve seen them all. I can tell when something has been stolen and people cash in on those items in pawn shops, but this was different. Nay, definitely not a thief”

“Do ye remember what she looked like?”

The man shrugged “I see tons of people everyday, I canna remember each and every one. But I do remember recognizing her when she came back”

“She came back?”

“Aye, just a couple of days ago. She bought them back. Of course for much more than she sold them tae me. She also had a very peculiar request”

James’ brow shot up and the man continued “She wanted to buy 18th century sterling pounds” the man’s mouth quirked into a smile “I told her she’d not be finding any in pawn shops, at least not mine, that there are antique shops and numismatists that could help her with that. She appeared quite disappointed to hear that and asked me where she could find such antique shops nearby. I told her she had loads of places to choose from, every corner ye turn seems to have one nowadays”

James nodded, lost in thought and then finally, realizing the man had no more information to offer, thanked him and took his leave.

He then went from one antique shop to another, but nobody had had any clients asking for 18th century coins in the past week.

Just as he was about to enter another such establishment, his phone rang

“Jamie, laddie” Colum chimed

“Jamie?” James snorted

“Och sorry” Colum’s tone nearly made James think Colum had dialed the wrong number “How are ye, lad? Murtagh tells us ye’re back on yer feet”

“Aye. I’m alright. A bit sore, stiff around the joints but I’ll manage. Happy it wasna any worse”

“Well, of course. Hey, the lads and I are going out for a dram this evening. Do ye feel up for it?”

James sighed, he was already feeling tired from his restless night, he’d been on a wild goose chase that he didn’t even understand and his body was not yet at full capacity. Sensing his apprehension Colum chimed “Och come on now, lad, don’t be like that. Ye need to get out of yer head for a bit. Come on. Dougal is even bringing his new lady friend along”

“Oh” James hummed “Must be something serious then. He never makes it official. Is his divorce final, even?”

“No, it isna, and don’t be mentioning anything about that, even I don’t know if the lass kens about his marriage”

“Well, that’s a surprise” James said amusedly

“Aye” Colum sighed “Anyway, he _is_ pretty serious about her, so ye could at least come and see him act like a lovesick puppy. Should be fun”

James smiled “Aye, I wouldna want tae miss that. Ok, I’m game”

After his physiotherapy appointment, he was running late for the get together, so he decided to take an uber and fished out his phone to text Murtagh and let him know he’d be 10 minutes late.

He scrolled through his latest texts, searching for Murtagh when he noticed a name he hadn’t recalled texting to. _Claire._

His thumb froze, hovering over her name. Of course. _Of course._ God, he’d been so stupid, running around Inverness after clues about this mystery woman, when all the while it was all under his nose. He opened the conversation with her and his eyes widened, seeing how much they’ve written to eachother.

 _“Jamie”._ He immediately noticed her calling him that, and he recalled Colum calling him that as well, earlier, when he’d called. What was up with people calling him Jamie, all of a sudden?

He spent his ride towards the pub reading the texts and although nothing really significant emerged, he now knew a few things for certain: 1. Her name was Claire; 2. She’d been with them on tournament, so the lads all knew her, for sure; 3. He’d definitely been flirting with her. Her, not so much, her texts were all very proper and quite cold, and from what he’d gathered she didn’t even reply back all too quickly. The last few texts sent him spiraling, though

_“Are you asleep?”_

_“Wouldn’t I have to be awake to answer this, either way?”_ Ok. So they were sleeping in separate rooms.

 _“Sorry, lass. Didn’t want to miss saying good night to you, is all”_ Okaaay?

_“Did you have a nice time at the press party?”_

_“Meh. Party is an overstatement. Wanted to run something by you”_

_“Oh?”_

_“The next few matches are getting postponed on account of rain. Gasp. Who’d knew there would be raining in England”_ Note to self, sarcasm doesn’t really read well through texts. At least not his.

_“Quite the unforeseen weather forecast”_

_“Indeed. So, I was thinking... What say we made a trip out of it?”_ Trip?

 _“That’s all part of your plan to take things slow, I presume?”_ He froze, reading this, his eyes lingering on this text for quite a while. So, he’d wanted to take it slow. So, they were seeing eachother. Which meant it was pretty serious. James knew why he’d want to take it slow, and the fact that he’d intended that with Claire was a huge deal.

_Mind if I came by for a few minutes? This is getting a little heavy for texting”_

_“Alright”_

The texts stopped, after this. He checked the date to this last conversation, and it’d happened just 2 days prior to his accident. He’d mentioned a trip. The accident had happened in Edinburgh. Murtagh had told him they’d went for a trip as the tournament suffered a delay on account of rain, making it sound like the two of them had taken that trip, to kill spare time, instead of staying cooked up in Windsor with nothing else to do but practice till the weather cleared.

He’d taken her to Edinburgh. He was sure of it.

He wouldn’t have done that, unless...

The driver snapped him out of his reverie, having reached the pub. He paced the outside for a few minutes, taken aback. Why had Murtagh not told him about this Claire?

What had happened?

 _Christ._ Was she involved in the accident?

He stared at his phone, his finger hovering over her contact. Before he could talk himself out of it, he dialed her number. His mind was racing, thinking how he should start when she picked up, probably telling her about his short term memory loss... but his plans came to a crashing halt when he heard that familiar voice telling him the number he’d dialed had been disconnected.

He tried again, only to hear the same thing. He panicked, his fingers beginning to tremble. _Christ._ What had happened to her? Was she alright? Had she been in the accident? Why had Murtagh kept it away from him? There must’ve been a very good reason. He didn’t let his mind go there. _There._ Had something terrible happened to her... then he probably wouldn’t have wanted to tell him, for fear of him going into shock. Just as the doctor had instructed... not to push, to let it all come back to him.

Well. It wasn’t coming back to him. And meanwhile, a woman was missing! Her things were at his place, for crying out loud!

But no.

No, she was alright. She had to be. She’d been at the pawn shop just days ago...

That is... if the man had told him about the right woman. What if he’d gotten her confused with someone else? But the 18th century coins... Those and her clothes. There had to be a connection there. No, it was her, it had to be.

 _Claire_.

James stormed into the pub and came to a halt next to the table the men sat at, along with a red headed woman that had to be Dougal’s date.

They all looked up at him, giving him puzzled looks. Before any of them could ask what was the matter James snapped “Where is Claire?”

They all looked at eachother, only the redhead raised an eyebrow and James even thought she was smirking to herself.

“James, take a seat” Dougal said in a soothing yet firm tone

“I’ll stand” James replied through his teeth

“Lad, please, ye’re making a scene” Colum chided “Sit down and we’ll answer all yer questions”

Reluctantly, James sat between Dougal’s date and Murtagh. When no one said anything he raised his voice even higher “I am waiting!”

Murtagh sighed “Listen, lad. We didna say anything because ye didna remember her. The doctor said to take it easy, aye? Not to rush things”

“This is different, and ye ken it. We were obviously involved! She was with me, in Edinburgh, and ye led me tae believe you and I were there munro bagging on our time off! How dare ye look me in the face and lie tae me like that?”

Murtagh didn’t reply for a long moment but didn’t break eye contact. Eventually he said “Because. She’s no good for ye”

James’ eyes turned dark and he turned his whole body towards Murtagh “What have ye done tae her? Where is she? What the hell gives ye the right to meddle into my personal life like that?!”

“Now, James, ye should know, Murtagh is right. She was bad news, and ye were better off forgetting about her, which ye were doing a fine job of as far as I know-”

James turned towards Dougal, cutting him off “Ye dare talk tae me about who I should or should not be seeing? How about yer wife?! How does she feel about ye dating other women?”

The men began protesting but it was not lost on James that the redhead didn’t even flinch at that “We are practically divorced, and ye know it!” Dougal spat “Been separated for the better part of the past year!”

“Och, aye? And why did ye separate in the first time? Wouldna happen tae be due to yer inability tae keep yer cock in yer pants, would it?”

“James!” Colum hissed

“What?” James sat up, pushing his chair back abruptly “Ye’re defending him? After the bastard slept with yer own wife?!”

All the men sat up, a full blown argument commencing. Eventually James stormed out of the pub and it was not at all lost on him that he’d not found out anything new about Claire or where she was. And he likely wouldn’t, now. He was pacing the outside angrily, waiting for his uber when he noticed the redhead step out

He glimpsed at her and was actually ashamed to face her. She’d had no fault in all of this and here he was, putting her in a tight spot “I apologize, lass. I should’ve been more considerate of yer presence there”

She gave him a sympathetic smile “Nay bother. I understand ye’ve had good reason. I’m not too sure I got it right though. Ye’ve been in a coma, and suffered some memory loss?”

James sighed heavily “Aye, short term. Bits and pieces are coming back but I think I may be experiencing some kind of blockage”

“I’m not trying to defend the lads. But it is true, actually, that ye shouldn’t be forcing these memories”

“I ken that, the doctor warned me. But this woman... _Claire._ I feel responsible. We were there together, I’ve been in a car accident. Where does that leave her? Is she alright? I tried calling her, and her number has been disconnected. I’m just trying to make sure...”

“That she’s safe?”

“Aye” he swallowed the lump in his throat “I’m feeling extremely uneasy about it, I have a nagging feeling something is seriously wrong” he ran his fingers through his curls and rubbed his face. His phone chimed, his uber was around the corner.

“I know I shouldn’t be interfering. But I’ve actually caught bits and pieces about this Claire at the table”

“Ye did? Och, lass, please. Ye must tell me” he pleaded “I’m going mad”

“Aye, that’s what I’m afraid of. Ye have the right tae know. As far as I understood, she is fine, but Murtagh felt like he had good reason to threaten her to leave”

“Leave?” James blinked “Leave where? What for? That bastard! I’ll have his neck for this!” he spat

“If I find out any more, I’ll let ye know. Here, this is my card” she extended her business card to him “I think ye should come see me tomorrow. If I have any new info on Claire, I’ll tell ye, and if not, I think ye could use some therapy sessions for yer memory loss. Ye know, try and do it the safe way. I’m a shrink” she smiled

James read the card “I’m verra grateful, Geillis. Truly. Especially after my performance inside...”

“Dinna fash, ye’re right tae be upset. See ye tomorrow? Say, 11 am? The address is on the back”

James nodded, thanking her again, and reluctantly climbed into the car that had been waiting for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eagerly waiting for your amazing feedback, as always! ❤️ thank you all so much for reading, it's so exciting to be able to share this with you and to have such interesting discussions in the comments! i'm absolutely loving it and it keeps me going ❤️


	16. Chapter 16

Geillis opened the door for James and welcomed him inside. He sighed heavily, trying to contain his eagerness “Sorry tae cut right to tae chase. But have ye found out anything else?”

She studied his face “Have ye slept, at all?”

He shook his head slightly as she gestured for him to sit down on a sofa. It looked like a normal apartment, a normal living room. He told himself this was probably so that the patient feels more at ease in a comfortable environment “I think I managed a couple of hours. I keep having repetitive nightmares. As if all this wasna enough...”

She frowned, sitting on a chair across from him “Nightmares? Have ye always struggled with nightmares?”

“No, only recently, since the accident” he paused and looked at her intently “Ye didna answer my question, though”

“Let’s start with what ye remember, first. I don’t want any new info to confuse things for ye in yer heid”

He nodded “Alright, ok. Well, I still canna remember anything, really. That’s why I think some sessions really might do me good”

“Nothing at all? Ye mentioned these nightmares since the accident. What can ye tell me about them?”

He thought for a while “It’s bits and pieces... I’m afraid most doesn’t even make sense, outloud. It’s all just verra... violent. But they didna start right away. At first I had some good nights, with deep sleep. I remember having really vivid dreams, and, actually... now that I think about it, they were also kind of repetitive”

“Oh? Could ye elaborate on that? What do ye remember about these dreams, what made them repetitive?”

“Well, the fact that it all felt verra... real. I remember dreaming of people I know. It was like they were themselves, but not quite. Like we were in an alternate dimension, perhaps”

Geillis raised an eyebrow “Go on”

“I felt at peace in that world I’d created in my dreams, those first days. I remember feeling so glad that I seemed to be able to go back there as soon as I fell asleep. I could never do that before, not even when I’d wake up from a pleasant dream, I could never close my eyes back and keep on dreaming. So that was odd, being able to go back to that... world”

“And these nightmares, how are they repetitive?”

“In the same way. They’re verra similar, not what happens in my dreams per se, but the feeling that I am in that same world”

“The same world as yer other nightmares, or the same world as yer more pleasant dreams?”

After a long pause James concluded “It’s all the same”

Geillis was silent for a long moment “Jamie, how would ye feel if I were to use hypnosis tae help ye... remember?”

He raised an eyebrow, almost amusedly “Hypnosis? Is that really a thing?”

“Och, I assure ye, it’s verra real. And a verra powerful tool. But it’s likely not what ye think it is”

“Will ye be dangling a pocket watch in front of me?” he smirked

Geillis laughed “That’s exactly what I meant. No, I won’t. Hypnosis is not mind control or brainwashing or heaven kens what else people associate it with after being used in quote-unquote magic tricks and what not... It’s simply a tool psychiatrists use to access yer subconscious. Everything ye want tae know, Jamie, about Claire, about the days ye canna seem tae remember, even about yer interesting dreams and nightmares- it’s all there, in yer subconscious, but something is blocking it and I can help ye surpass this blockage”

James shrugged “Sounds like just the thing”

She appeared to be taken aback “So ye’re willing tae give it a go?”

“Sure. It’s not... dangerous in any way, is it?” he narrowed his eyes at her, the corner of his lips quirking into a smile

“Not at all. Well, I wouldna advise people to do this without proper training, but ye’re in safe hands” she smiled reassuringly “Ok, lay down on the sofa and I’ll close the blinds. Ye need to be verra relaxed for this”

He sighed, gingerly stretching himself on the couch, surprised that it wasn’t all that painful to lay on his back again “I’m afraid relaxed is not really what I’m feeling these days”

The room was now only dimly lit and she sat back in her chair “I want ye to close yer eyes and just focus on yer breathing for a few minutes. Just in and out, and try not to think about anything else but that. I ken it’s not easy, so whenever ye catch yerself thinking about anything else just resume focusing on yer breathing. Try and follow my lead and don’t open yer eyes unless I tell ye to”

He cleared his throat and tried to find a comfortable position, bringing his hands over his chest and extending his neck slightly “Alright. Ready when ye are”

After what had felt like an eternity for James, Geillis spoke in a much more soothing tone, almost whispering “I want ye to think of yerself in a place that brings ye peace” she let him find that image and then asked him “Can ye tell me where ye are?”

“Lallybroch” he smiled subtly

“What are ye doing there?”

“I’m walking in the fields. My hands are brushing the tall blades of grass”

“Are ye alone?”

“No. She’s there”

“Who is she?”

“She’s the one I’ve been seeing, in ma dreams. She’s always there”

“What does she look like?”

He paused “I’m not sure, she won’t show me her face”

“Alright. She’s walking alongside ye?”

“No, she’s on the horse, I’m holding it by the reigns”

“Look up at her. What can ye see?”

“She’s got curly hair...”

“Call to her, will she look at ye?”

“Mo nighean donn...” he whispered and sure enough, whiskey eyes turned to look at him lovingly. His breath hitched

“Did she turn?”

“Aye” his voice cracked “Aye, she did”

“What does she look like?”

“She’s... perfect”

Geillis hummed “Is she saying anything?”

James could hardly hear Geillis’ voice anymore, he was lost into his beloved’s eyes. But her eyes saddened, and her gaze lowered to her hands which were now resting over of her corseted stomach. Each of her hands adorned a ring, one silver, one gold. And the silver one was made out of the key to Lallybroch. She was wearing a long, woolen skirt, her feet barely poking from underneath it “Come back to me, James Fraser” she pleaded in her perfectly-english accent, gave him another look over her shoulder as he lost his grip on the reigns, watching the horse take the trail down towards Lallybroch.

James bolted upright, startling Geillis “What are ye doing? I told ye not to open yer eyes until I said so!”

She managed to stop him from leaving and he took a good look at her, finally _really_ seeing her. He then took a step back “How... how did ye...?”

She inhaled and straightened her posture “Dinna fight it, ask me”

“Ye saved her” he whispered

Geillis smiled at that “I did”

“And ye werena burned for it?” he narrowed his eyes

“No, I escaped. But I’m afraid there’s no one tae save yer Sassenach this time around”

He inhaled sharply at her calling her that “Where is she?”

“Ye ken where she is”

“She isna there, she’s not at Lallybroch!”

“She is. Just not in 2020”

James squeezed his eyes shut, fighting the dizziness that surged through him “Christ! She canna! She canna go back!” flashes shot through him, one after the other, sensory overload like nothing he’d experienced before “The sterling pounds, mac na galla! She did it, oh God, oh Claire” he squatted, shuddering, and Geillis watched in disbelief to see this mountain of a man brought to his knees in desperation.

“Ye have to go after her, Jamie. Ye canna let her fair out on herself, ye ken what she’s gone back to”

“There’ll be redcoats all over Lallybroch” his voice was harsher than she’d ever heard it “Looking for me, making sure I dinna survive Culloden”

“Ye ken full well what it’s like for Scotland after Culloden, fox. Ye have to find her and go away, far away. It wilna be safe there, not for a long time...”

He nodded, straightening, inhaling and blinking rapidly, fighting off tears “What if I canna go through? I couldna do it, when I sent her here. I went back and _died_ on that battlefield, I can still feel the sword surging through my flesh”

“I’ve traveled through enough times to ken what it takes. The fact that she did it without knowing much about it tells me she didn’t know how to... make the stones listen”

“Make them listen?’

“Ye’ll see. We need tae be quick. If ye’re sure...”

“I’m sure” his eyes widened at her impatiently “Every second she’s out there alone I’m wasting here for nothing. Tell me what tae do”

“Do ye have a kilt, anything that could pass on as 18th century garb?”

“Aye, I’ve a pretty decent one”

“Ok. Fetch it, and whatever else ye find absolutely necessary. And meet me there as soon as ye can. Ye ken the place”

His jaw set “I ken it well”

He was about to walk out the door when he stopped abruptly, giving her a look “I canna believe I just let a witch hypnotize me!”

Jamie climbed into his car, his mind racing. He was thinking of Claire, Christ!- _of their bairn_ , and most of all he was thinking Murtagh was pretty darn lucky he didn’t have any time to go ring his neck for it.

Speeding towards home, he realized. He’d never drive a car again. It felt surreal and yet, the fact that he _was_ driving a car suddenly felt like the odd thing in the equation.

Approaching Lallybroch, his heart sank as he drove down the road, the building coming into view. The team had done a great job, but it was not the same, it’d never be the same. Not without his family living in it.

His heart longed to be there. He’d always been homesick. A pretty odd feeling for an orphan. But orphan he was not, for he now remembered his Da and his Mam and he knew he’d been loved. Cherished.

He stepped inside and went looking for his kilt. He found it in no time and then saw Claire’s tote bag, lying on the chair. She’d sold his mother’s scotch pearls, nay bother. The poor lass had to do something. She must’ve felt so alone. Thank goodness she’d found him. _Deo gratias._

He dressed and took a final look around the master bedroom, the _laird’s room._ His eyes widened as he stared at the bed, and before he could realize what he was doing, he took out the sword from underneath it. His Da’s blade. Claire had showed it to him. How had it waited for him, for hundreds of years. He sheathed it and made his way downstairs. He stole a glance at the kitchen. He grabbed Claire’s ring and before he could change his mind, he put Frank’s into his sporran as well. Gold was gold, after all, and should the need arise, they’d sell it.

He was damned if Lallybroch were to go to waste again. So he fetched a pen and a piece of paper and hoped it would hold value. An impromptu will, of sort.

He sighed heavily, his hands shaking. He had to hurry. He didn’t know if they were ever going to be able to make it back to 2020. Surely coming back would be the safest option. Surely if _he_ could, then there was no reason why Jenny, Ian and the bairns, and everyone else he held dear couldn’t. But, _if not..._

He wrote down his wish that he, James Malcolm, was leaving the estate in William Grey’s name, complete with information about his _father,_ John Grey, to become his effective immediately upon turning 18 years of age. He added the date and signed it, and also wrote down the names of Murtagh, Colum and Dougal- the witnesses, attesting to the veridicity of the document.

He then wrote a text and sent it to Murtagh “I could kill your for what you’ve done. Your punishment will be never knowing what has become of me. If you wish to ever redeem yourself for all that you’ve wronged me, you’ll bring the Mackenzies here and sign the document I wrote. Look after the lad, in my stead, if Grey allows it, befriend him. Never interfere in his life. Do it from a distance. Make sure the document is valid, use your ropes. I don’t know if I can ever forgive you. God knows you had your reasons. I pray He forgives you, Ghoistidh.”

He left his phone next to the piece of paper along with his wallet, documents and keys, and without looking back, he walked to the stables. Donas was more than ready to have his master take him on a longer ride than usual.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *yelps* don't hate me for leaving it at that. felt like it needed momentum. glad to finally have Jamie on board at full capacity ❤️ loving your feedback, as always, thank you so so much for reading! ❤️


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is quite intense. keep the premise in mind at all times!

Jamie had forgotten just how long it would take for him to reach Lallybroch by foot. With no horse, and having to keep a low profile, ever weary of redcoats patrolling the highlands, it seemed like it took him forever until the estate came into view.

If it weren’t for the urgency he felt to get to Claire as soon as possible, he’d have welcomed the journey. He needed the time to think, to clear his head. He walked for most of the night and into the following day after he’d woken up atop Craig Na Dun. He couldn’t understand how Claire had survived going not once, not twice but three times through the stones. It had physically and emotionally drained him.

Memories still overwhelmed him, his mind continuously racing to go through his past life. It felt utterly surreal, and he was certain that God had allowed him to keep his vow to Claire for a reason. Their love was beyond the mortal world, it transcended time, space, and whatever else humanly comprehensible.

Christ... they’d been through so much together. But their souls had undoubtedly known each other since the beginning of time. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for her, no place he wouldn’t go. He remembered his vow to her, promising to wait however long it took in purgatory to find her again.

_“I will find you, I promise. If I must endure two hundred years of purgatory, two hundred years without you - then that is my punishment, which I have earned for my crimes. For I have lied, and killed, and stolen; betrayed and broken trust. But there is the one thing that shall lie in the balance. When I shall stand before God, I shall have one thing to say, to weigh against the rest. Lord, ye gave me a rare woman, and God! I loved her well.”_

He'd meant it, from the bottom of his heart and he’d known it to be true right down to the marrow of his bones. He’d thought he was sending her to Frank, back to his time. But God had had other plans for them.

He’d gone back on the battlefield on Culloden Moor and even though he’d fought with all his might, he’d died there, just as he’d known he would.

And then- he lived. Again. A different life. But somehow similar. An empty life, without her. Until she came to him.

He hadn’t sent her to Frank, he’d sent her to himself. To the only man who could ever love her. And he... he’d been such a fool. So blind. He hadn’t been able to make sense of all that had been going on in his heart. It was difficult for him to replay the moments together in 2020. He felt as if he’d dissociated from that life completely now.

With each step he took, with each passing minute, he was less and less James Malcolm. He was James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser, through and through. His life in 2020 seemed but a mirage of sorts, a long, feverish, lonely dream.

He couldn’t allow himself to think about what Claire must’ve gone through coming through the stones to the 21st century. And then, to see that he wasn’t even remembering her. It must’ve broken her heart. But resilient as she was, his brave lioness, she’d been patient, she’d not rushed things, she’d waited for him to remember. As it turns out, she’d found him, not the other way around.

He was determined to honor this second chance at a life together. He’d spend every day for the rest of his life thanking God for his mercy.

_I’m coming, Sassenach._

He was so close. But he needed to be cautious. He knew perfectly well just how risky it was to show his face at Lallybroch now, after Culloden. He now had the advantage of knowing what Claire had known. Even more so, he smirked to himself. Just remembering her trying to decipher using a smartphone would forever remain his favorite way of teasing her. Well, maybe not his absolute favorite, he had his other ways...

Remembering their second “first time” a twinge of sadness overshadowed his growing enthusiasm, as he was nearing Lallybroch. Unbeknownst to him, he’d broken his vow to her when he’d been with Geneva. Yet another reason to regret it. He couldn’t regret William, he was his own flesh and blood, after all, and there wasn’t any life without a purpose on God’s green earth, of that he was certain. William would now live on, a testament to his own life in the 21st century, and hopefully inherit Lallybroch when he’d turn 18. Hopefully, he’d grow to be a man of honor, and whatever he could not be there to teach him, he had to trust his genes to be strong enough to steer his son’s steps through life.

He could just imagine what must’ve gone through Claire’s mind when he’d confessed all this to her. He had had his reservations then, but now, knowing all that he knew, he marveled at how strong her love for him was. Only she could’ve forgiven him, even insisting he should go see his son. Only his selfless Sassenach, with her heart of gold to fit her beautiful eyes. God knew what must’ve been in her heart, but she didn’t give in to jealousy and despair and fought to the end for them, waiting for him to remember, her heart calling out to his.

He didn’t know what had made her go back exactly, but he knew that in doing so, she had to have been most certainly left with no other choice.

_Just a little while, now..._

He hadn’t met anyone on the way, by the grace of God, and so far he’d been able to pace himself. When he reached the outskirts of the estate, he hid and observed the entryway for a long while, making sure no redcoats were anywhere near.

His heart drummed in his chest as he made his way closer now, and he was barely keeping himself from running inside.

“Can I help ye?”

He stopped in his tracks and closed his eyes. That voice, he’d recognize it anywhere. He inhaled and turned, but his eyes immediately widened in shock when he didn’t see his sister, but a much older woman that only resembled her slightly.

She also appeared to be stunned to silence but quickly recovered “I canna believe it... is it truly ye brathair?”

Jamie felt tears sting his eyes “Jenny? But how...”

“Ye’re the one asking me how?!” she let out a sob, and smilingly hurried into his arms, knocking the air out of him

He embraced her tightly “Oh Jamie, oh brathair. Tae see ye again...”

Jamie couldn’t enjoy his reunion with his sister properly as something was most definitely amiss “What...” he was afraid to ask but finally managed “What year is it, Janet?”

She pulled away reluctantly “Jamie. Please, listen. I know what ye’re truly asking, and I need ye tae listen, ye need to hear all of it. Thank God ye’re home... but the stones... they dinna work the way ye expected them to”

His eyebrows shot up “So she’s here! Claire! She told ye all about it. Thank Christ... please, Jenny. I need tae see her”

She pulled on his sleeve, stopping him from heading towards the main entry and his brows furrowed “Aye, Claire told us all about what happened... we probably wouldn’t have believed her, had she not looked just the same as we’d last seen her. And us, so much older. But still, my hair wasna as gray as it is now”

His breath caught “What are ye on about? Christ, woman, will ye not tell me what’s happening already? My heart is fit tae burst!”

“When she came, she said it’d only been a few weeks for her since she’d gone through. But fer us, it’d been 20 years”

He swallowed with great difficulty, his voice hoarse “And now? How long has it been?”

“25 years”

He exhaled “Five years... I canna believe it. I came as soon as I remembered, just a few days after she went through...” he stopped, abruptly, seeing his sister’s expression “Where is she? And the bairn?!”

Jenny smiled from behind her tears “Ye have a beautiful, healthy, bright daughter. She looks just like ye... Brianna”

“Brianna” he whispered her name, a tear falling down his cheek “And her mam? Janet... where is Claire? Why are ye no answering me?”

Jenny sobbed then, something he’d never witnessed his sister do ever before “She’s gone, Jamie. She was strong... she was sae strong... but the bairn... it was too much on her weakened body...”

Jamie fell to his knees, his sister’s voice just a distant, faraway sound. She went on telling him how Claire had died giving birth, and how much blood she’d lost and how she’d told Jenny not to blame herself, right before she'd passed, that it had been a complicated delivery and there was no way she could’ve survived it, even in her own time, maybe. But Jamie didn’t hear any of it. He didn’t want to hear it. He couldn’t.

Jenny stumbled to her knees as well, cradling his head to her bosom and held him tight “Jamie, ye canna do this... think of yer bairn. Ye canna leave her, too”

She had to repeat that several times before it registered and when he did hear her, finally, it was as if he’d been punched in the gut. It felt like a punishment, to be forced to live on without Claire. Mere hours ago he’d been marveling at God’s grace, at how He’d allowed them to be together beyond humanly possible. And now, the same God crashed all his hopes, all his will to live, all that made sense to him. How was he to go on without her?

 _The same way ye wanted her to go on without ye, for the bairn, that’s how._ His own conscience’s voice, so harsh and foreign in his mind. He wanted to scream, to shatter to a million pieces, but there was no energy left in him for anything.

“Auntie? Why are ye crying?”

Jenny wiped her tears away and then dug her nails into Jamie’s shoulders, sobering him up “I’m just sae happy, a leannan. My brother has finally come home” her voice cracked a bit but seeing Jamie’s eyes widen as he was staring into nothingness, she knew it was finally hitting him and it gave her strength to continue “Do ye know who my brathair is, wee one?”

There was a long moment before Jamie heard a hopeful question, and just like that, somehow, his heart began beating again “Da?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *hides behind fingers*  
> just a reminder that this is NOT the last chapter, if you get my meaning ;)  
> as always, absolutely loving each and everyone of you for reading, leaving kudos and amazing feedback ❤️ can't wait to see what you thought about this chapter. it broke my heart as well, don't worry...
> 
> (**also! another reminder of how Claire stated (in the original books) that she couldn't have given birth to Brianna safely in the 18th century)


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just to freshen up your memories from the previous chapter: Jamie managed to go back in time, but we was too late. what had felt like a few weeks for Claire, had been in fact, 20 years for the Murrays. what had felt like mere days for Jamie had been in fact 5 years at Lallybroch. so this was now 25 years after Culloden, going back in time.  
> but, worst of all, Claire had died in childbirth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this took me so long. super busy in preparation for the holidays. everytime i sat down to write, something came up. but the next chapter it's finally here, and i will update much faster this time, promise! (as always, this is just me editing and proof reading, all the mistakes are mine and please keep in mind i am not a native speaker. apologies if you stumble upon cringe worthy mistakes, hopefully they don't ruin the reading experience. yelp!) thank you, as always for your patience and for your lovely feedback!! ❤️enjoy!

Luckily, Ian had been there to fix the “right mess” Jenny had created. He’d soothed the young lassie, putting her in the care of one of his youngest.

Approaching them he chided “Woman, what’s gotten into ye? Springing that on Brianna like that?”

“ _Brianna_ ” Jamie whispered between his tears

“Aye, Brianna, she named her after Da” Jenny squeezed his hands “Brother, I’m sorry, I should’ve handled this better, Ian is right. But I don’t know what tae do, what tae say... I never thought I’d see ye again! She said... she said ye couldn’t travel, even if ye did somehow remember...”

Jamie wished the ground would open up and swallow him whole. He hated his sister with mad passion just then for telling him about his bairn, for now he _had_ to go on living, no matter what. Just like Claire had done. He’d asked her once to go on living without him, for the sake of their child, to practically rip her heart out of her chest and go on living without it. And now it was his turn.

“I dinna think it wise for ye to meet her just yet, Jamie... ye need tae... pull yerself together first”

“I dinna ken if I’ll ever manage tae pull myself together”

“I ken... but ye understand what I mean. She’s 5 years old. She canna see her da falling tae pieces. It’ll break her wee heart”

Jamie looked up at Ian then “Wise beyond yer years ye’ve always been... now at least ye’ve got the body tae go with it”

Ian smiled then, offering his hand and pulling Jamie up and into a hug “I canna believe ye’re here, brathair”

“Thank ye. For everything”

“I’m sorry, Jamie. I wish we could’ha saved her...”

Jamie shook his head, suppressing tears “Ye did what ye could. And ye kept... _Brianna_ safe. For that I owe ye my life”

They hugged again and made their way slowly inside the house.

Jamie thought he couldn’t possibly sleep in his condition. Hell, he was surprised he could even breathe. But the journey had physically tired him and his mind had been assaulted with the reality of what he’d found back home. His heart felt like it shouldn’t even be beating anymore, why was it?

_Brianna._

Whenever he remembered her, he would feel a sharp pang in his heart and he was resuscitated back into reality. He couldn’t succumb to the sweet arms of despair and renunciation. He had to keep on going, for her.

Even if he had no will to keep on living.

Deep down, he knew, even if it hadn’t been for Brianna, he still would’ve had to keep on living, for his Christianity didn’t allow him to entertain the notion of suicide. But for the first time he realized true despair could make the act extremely appealing. He’d never felt this way, not in the worst of times, and he’d been through hell and back more times that he could recount or even wanted to.

He’d brought a bottle of brandy to bed, thinking he’d need it to drown himself into oblivion, but his body was worn out and sleep prevailed quickly.

He woke up, sweaty and disoriented, and reality hit him like a brick wall. But his dream had remained fresh in his memory, and this time he was aware of the power it yielded. After Geillis had hypnotized him, or God knew what magic she’d worked on him, he realized all the answers were already within him. And _this,_ what he knew in his heart right now, felt more real that the reality he was facing.

He got out of his designated impromptu room, and went about looking for Fergus. He’d asked about him right away, and Ian had given him yet another sad news. His adopted son had lost left hand to the redcoats when he’d been still a wee lad, but had surpassed his handicap, just as Ian had his. Of course, he was now a 35 year old man in his own right.

He was residing at Lallybroch with his wife, Jenny had told him, and he walked the corridors trying to figure out where he might have ceased his premises.

A door creaked open and a blonde lass came out holding candle, in nothing but her shift. He tried to hurry further down the corridor, realizing she was probably heading for the privy in the middle of the night, but she caught sight of him and yelped “Holy Michael and Bride!”

Jamie shushed her which only seemed to alarm her more. Clearly, she hadn’t been given the heads up that somebody was visiting.

Out of thin air, someone appeared from behind her “What is it, ma chérie?”

Jamie froze, and so did Fergus, only the young woman kept blabbering until the latter stopped her, lest the whole house came awake “It’s alright, go ahead, this is our friend”

The young blonde eyed Jamie skeptically and resumed her journey downstairs, to the kitchen as Jamie could now tell.

“Milord...” Fergus took a step closer and Jamie pulled him into a tight hug

“Mon fils... I canna believe my eyes. Look at ye”

“Aye” Fergus laughed “You could pass as _my_ son now”

“Not quite” Jamie narrowed his eyes at him playfully and the other shrugged “’Tis only 10 years between us”

“Well, I am to be a father, nonetheless”

Jamie paused “The lassie? But... she’s so young”

“Aye. But love doesn’t care about age differences” he smirked

Jamie lowered his voice “She canna be more than 16”

“And Milord would be right about that”

Jamie’s eyebrows shot up “Fergus!”

“Très scandaleux for scots, not so much for the french, oui?”

Jamie rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically “Verra well. If Jenny is alright with this then who am I to object, plus it would be a little late for that...”

Fergus grinned and they hugged once more “It’s so good to have ye back, Milord”

“Aye... about that” Jamie cleared his throat “Let’s go tae the stables where we can have some privacy, there’s a matter I need tae discuss with ye”

Fergus furrowed his brows and followed Jamie outside. Once they were sitting comfortably and having shared a dram, as per Fergus’ insistence, Jamie commenced

“Lad, I need ye tae help me with something”

Fergus sighed “I knew you wouldn’t just settle on the farm. When uncle Ian told me about your coming back my heart was threatening to burst out of my chest, but he advised me to pace myself and let you sleep first. After all, you haven’t even met your own flesh and blood yet”

Jamie frowned, interrupting him “It’ll never be like that, mon fils. Ye’re just as much my son as Brianna is my daughter, ye must ken that”

Fergus smiled and held his gaze for a long while “Still, having had the time to think about your return, I’ve come to the conclusion that you wouldn’t be happy here, not anymore”

“I’ll no be happy _anywhere,_ not without her”

“Je sais” Fergus’ smile faded “Oh, she was just like you are now... I sometimes wonder whether she’d still have died if you’d been here. I think her heart was too sad to carry on, even for Brianna’s sake. She fought to stay alive, to keep her promise, you should know Milady was very adamant she would fight till the very end... But her eyes were so... so sad”

Jamie was silent for a long while, fighting the sting in his eyes “Did she ever... tell ye? Why she left?”

Fergus nodded “Not me, she told aunt Jenny. She told her Murtagh made her leave”

Jamie had suspected as much. His jaw clenched “Did she by any chance go into more detail?”

Fergus was apprehensive but opened his mouth eventually “As I understood, from aunt Jenny... Milady had stumbled into a world much different from this one or the one she’d come from. In those few months she was here before....giving birth, she told her bits and pieces, although she was really reluctant to share. But she told her that she’d found you, but that you had no recollection of your previous life. Imagine how hard it was for auntie to wrap her mind around the notion... she’d buried you in the cemetery, right next to your parents and brother. Dieu only knows how she managed to bring your body here...”

Jamie swallowed hard and urged his son to continue

“Well, she said that not only were you in that time, but that she’d also met Murtagh, Colum and Dougal, all oblivious to their previous lives as well. She said everything had been going well and she was growing more and more confident about telling you the whole truth of it... but then you’d gotten in some kind of an accident. You were in a deep sleep, as she put it, and she’d been hurt too, but nothing serious compared to you. It was then that she told the medics that she was with child and they told her that they already knew, somehow, and they also assured her the baby was fine. Apparently this had gotten to Murtagh’s years as well...”

Jamie grunted and could already tell where this was headed

“When he found out, he figured out she’d been pregnant since before she’d met you... Apparently he’d already warned her previously to stay away from you, as he felt she was somehow interfering with your work... but then, when he found out about the baby, he went storming into l'hôpital... and told her that she was to make herself scarce, threatening her that he would have her incarcerated if not”

“What?”

“Aye, apparently he’d helped her with some legal papers, to prove her identity in that time... and he knew she must’ve been having some kind of problems with the law. He suspected she must’ve been some kind of fugitive. He had incriminating evidence against her that could get her in serious trouble. And Murtagh concluded that she must have been after your wealth, trying to trick you into thinking you were the baby’s father, and told her so. He didn’t leave her a choice. And she said she have to leave, without saying goodbye, for you were in deep sleep and could not talk to you or at the very least see you one last time...”

Jamie stared at Fergus in disbelief. He’d never thought Murtagh capable of such a thing.

Seeing the look on his lord’s face, Fergus cleared his throat “Well. If he was as ruthless as the Murtagh I know, and if he was just as set upon protecting you at all costs... then I can see why he thought what he did. A strange lass landed out of thin air into your life, and you had taken it upon yourself to make sure she was well taken care for, all in a span of a few weeks if I’m remembering correctly. The fact that her identity was questionable and that she was hiding her pregnancy from you... ” he inhaled sharply “Mon Dieu, this is so complicated”

Jamie nodded “Aye. He couldn’t have known that the bairn really is mine...”

“Oh, Milord... she is wonderful, your petit Brianna”

Jamie smiled at that, his gaze going out of focus “Tell me about her?”

“From early on she’s had the Fraser spirit emanating through her every pore. You haven’t seen her at all, have you?”

“No, Ian thought it best if I met her when I was... calmer”

“A smart man” Fergus hummed “She’s got your hair”

Jamie’s eyes crinkled “Like Faith”

Fergus’s breath caught, having not thought of the baby Jamie and Claire had lost in Paris in a long time “She’s very smart, too smart for her own good at times. She’s fearless, she’ll jump to everyone’s aid. Stubborn, headstrong. She’s still so young, but these traits are already so well defined. She reminds me so much of you Milord. And of Milady, as well...”

“I canna believe she’s gone. I canna accept it” Jamie breathed after a long pause

“Even we can’t. When she came back... I felt like things would finally be right again. We’d never known what had become of her... we’d known you’d died in battle, had a proper burial... but nobody knew anything of her. Not until she came back, looking as if she hadn’t aged a day since last we’d seen her. We couldn’t believe our eyes. Much less the story she told us... But there was no other explanation for it. Of course, I always knew... she was La Dame Blanche, after all”

Jamie finally looked up at Fergus once more “Mon fils. We never meant to leave ye behind. I knew ye’d be safer here than anywhere...”

“You don’t ever have to explain anything to me, Milord” Fergus smiled “I know why you did what you had to do. I’m just... heartbroken, that you came here for her and was faced with such news”

Jamie almost whispered “Not all is lost”

Fergus sighed smilingly “Of course. You have Brianna. And now, she has you”

“Aye, but that’s not what I meant. I died at Culloden. But God reunited us. She went through the stones and found me again. Claire died here, she’s buried next to me. But here I am, without her” Jamie shook his head in denial “God wouldna allow that. I know she’s out there, somewhere... and I’m going tae find her”

Fergus stared at Jamie in disbelief “You’re not thinking...”

“Aye, I am” Jamie looked back at him with fierce determination “I’ll not stop until we’re together again. She traveled through centuries for me, then did what she had to do for our daughter, so that she would be safe. Brianna is safe, she’s with her loving family. I’ll never be the father she needs if I go on living without a heart. I must go, now, until it’s too late. You saw it yerself. It’s not linear. God knows how the stones work, all I know is that it somehow always brings us together. I have to trust it will do it again. And then we’ll come back, for Brianna. It breaks ma heart tae have to leave her behind...”

“What if you can’t come back?”

Jamie swallowed the lump in his throat “I canna even think it. We’ve already lost Faith... then you... I... I also have a son, William”

Fergus’ brows shot up and Jamie cleared his throat “Back in the 21st century... since before I met Claire there... his mam also died in childbirth... he’s a bastard though, I couldna say he was mine. I’ve never met him. But I trust I’ve left him in good hands...”

“Oh, Milord...”

“Sae ye see, leaving Brianna behind... I _have_ tae trust we’ll come back for her, together. But I canna live like this, either. I canna stay and do nothing” he sat up “Ye have tae promise me, Fergus”

“Anything, Milord” the young man sat up as well

“Ye’ll raise her as if she was yer own. She’s yer sister, ye have to protect her at all costs”

Fergus scoffs “You think I didn’t know that? I’ve been doing that since she’s been born. Milady asked me the very same. How could I not? Marsali loves her so much. As for me... she’s got me wrapped around her little finger. But her favorite is Ian”

“Yer uncle ye mean?”

“No, her cousin, young Ian. He’s a braw lad, just turned 18. She’s been his shadow. It’ll break her wee heart when he finds a lassie and settles down”

Jamie smiled, knowing his daughter was enjoying the warmth and love of his family. It would make his departure easier “I canna break her heart too, Fergus. I canna meet her. If something should happen tae me... and I never come back... I canna have her living her life waiting for a ghost to reappear. Jenny meant well, but Ian interfered just in time. That’s no way to meet yer long lost father...” he trailed off looking into space “I wilna go meet her, even if it breaks my heart. I wilna break hers instead”

Fergus placed a hand on Jamie’s shoulder “You do what you must, Milord. I have complete trust in you. I’ve never met anyone like you, oui? You’ll always be the man I look up to and aspire to be. Always”

Jamie pulled him into another hug “Then you’ll help me get to Craig Na Dunn, just before sunup. I’ll not tell my sister, she’ll try and stop me. Ian would understand but the old bastard can’t keep secrets from his wife” Jamie smirked “I’ll leave it to ye to explain it to them, along with a letter in my own handwriting. And to Brianna, when she’s old enough. I don’t know what you should tell her, I don’t want her living in permanent hope, and God forbid have her hopes bitter her heart should we not be able to return. But I do want her to know about her mam, about us. I trust ye’ll find the right words... when the time comes”

“Leave it to me, Milord. I will also be waiting for you to come back. A man of 35 still needs a father figure, I assure you” tears shone in Fergus’ eyes

Jamie understood that better than he could say and a tear rolled down his own cheek “I ken more about that than ye’d think. I’m proud of ye, my own. What a fine man ye’ve become... I’ll come back, if I die trying. Know that I’ll never give up trying”

Before they left, just before sunup, Jamie asked Fergus to take him to see Brianna, even if only in her sleep. He did not expect to be so affected by what he saw. A wee little lassie, with fiery curly long hair, dreaming peacefully and smiling in her sleep.

For the first time since he took the decision to go through the stones again, in search of his Sassenach, he wondered if he’d made the smart choice. Could he really leave his wee one behind? Yes, he’d also had to leave his son behind for Claire. But William already had a father, John Grey was his father in all the ways that mattered, he was the one raising the boy. Brianna would neither have a father nor a mother. Though that wasn’t exactly true, she had such a big family that loved her dearly. And he trusted all of them to see to her safety, education and upbringing in his stead. But he knew firsthand what growing up an orphan meant, and how completely different it had been to his childhood at Lallybroch. He also knew what losing his mam had been like, and how no other auntie could ever take her place. But Brianna didn’t know either of her parents. And to that end, he’d suffered less as an orphan than he’d had after his mother’s death.

He just _knew._ If he was alive, then she had to be alive also. Somewhere. He was going to find her, and she was going to remember, just like he’d remembered. And then they’d come back for Brianna.

He crossed himself after praying for his daughter, and after one last look at her angelic face, closed the door and felt as though he’d left a part of his heart behind with her, at Lallybroch.

Jamie remembered everything Geillis had taught him. She’d insisted they had to use a gemstone since the time of the year wasn’t auspicious. But Jamie _knew,_ his ability to time travel was not based on that. Claire for sure hadn’t had any precious stones with her when she’d left the 21st century, the pawnshop owner would’ve mentioned her trying to buy something like that, but she simply hadn’t had the resources for such a thing anyway. As soon as they reached Craig Na Dunn and he started to hear the stones buzzing, _he knew._

He dismounted the horse, and gave the reigns over to Fergus. After one last hug, exchanged promises, and a letter explaining everything to Jenny, he headed towards the stones and prayed over and over for God to allow him to find Claire again. He braced himself for what he knew was coming, shut his eyes tight and reached for the tallest stone.

“No! Da!”

Jamie opened his eyes, the little girl’s shriek piercing right through the powerful humming of the stones, and right as he turned to see her running towards him, desperate to stop him, she managed to reach him, clinging onto his knee. Wee as she was though, she’d propelled her whole body into his, effectively pushing both of them towards the stone, closing in the small gap that had remained.

Fergus stared in disbelief at the stone circle and after a while heard young Ian’s shaky voice “Where did they go?!”

“Why did you bring her here?!”

“She wanted to see her da, she saw the two of ye readying the horses from her window and came running tae wake me up. She was afraid he was going tae leave without having the chance to see him. The faerie hill was the only place I could think of...”

“And you went along with a 5 year old’s plan?!”

“Ye know I canna help her pleading wee face she makes!” Ian yelped “That’s yer problem?! Did ye no just see them vanish as well?! Where was uncle Jamie going, why was he leaving? He just got here!”

Fergus rubbed his face with his good hand groaning

Ian narrowed his eyes “She was right, wasn’t she? He was leaving her”

“He was not. He was going after Milady”

“What, auntie Claire? But she’s dead! What, dinna tell me ye can travel through the stones tae the after life!” Ian crossed himself, in shock

“I’ll explain it. I’m sure it’s not safe for a child her age to... travel. He certainly didn’t even consider it, I don’t think he expected it to be possible in the first place”

Ian gulped “My mam is going tae kill me...”

They stood in silence for a long while, staring at the stones “He’ll never come back, now”

Ian furrowed his brows “What? Why?”

“Forget it. Let’s go”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for such a late update! here i was, thinking this Christmas I'll be less busy but oh well. hope you all had a lovely Christmas and that you'll enjoy this next chapter ❤️

“Happy?”

Claire smiled “Yes”. She was, indeed, happy. At last. She looked over at him and couldn’t help but keep smiling. How long she’d waited just to have the luxury of gazing at him for however long she wanted.

It was an untypically sunny day for the Scotland Highlands. She had to narrow her eyes to see him properly. Ah, but he was handsome. Desire was finding its way back underneath her skin, even though they’d just had sex. They were at last becoming familiar which each other again. The first time after they’d reconnected had been a tad worrisome. They’d both been too anxious about it, and managed to make it awkward. But 5 years apart was a long time to make up for.

He peeked back at her and she didn’t look away, letting him read her thoughts.

“You see up there?”

She furrowed her brows as he pointed in the distance “The top there, that’s Cocknammon Rock. And in the 17th and 18th centuries, you’d have often found a British army patrol up there lying in wait for Scottish rebels or brigands. You can see how it commands the high ground in every direction? It was a perfect position for an ambush.”

Well. Not exactly what she thought Frank would say. But then again, it didn’t surprise her. She tried not to feel discouraged. Whenever she felt like they were getting closer, more intimate, he’d break the spell with yet another one of his historic trivia tidbits, and it was beginning to drive her insane.

She suspected it was just a ploy he was using in order to not let himself be too vulnerable. A second honeymoon sounded a bit too serious. Combine it with a genealogic quest and you’ve got yourself the perfect distraction from the real quest here, finding out exactly who the other was now, after the war had ended.

He had even found someone to help him, a certain Reverend Wakefield. He was also passionate about history, particularly the Jacobite Rising, and that was directly concerning the period Frank was interested in, for that is when Black Jack Randal had lived, the ancestor her husband was most curious about.

She rolled her eyes once again finding herself in the Reverend’s living room, while they were getting excited over old documents that would reveal a new thing they hadn’t known about yet. She was getting tired of pretending she was as excited as they were, and the Reverend’s housekeeper, Mrs. Graham, must’ve picked up on that, inviting Claire to have tea in the kitchen with her.

Claire found her to be lovely, if not a bit weird. She knew that Scots were by default very superstitious, but Mrs. Graham was next level. She even insisted upon reading Claire’s tea leafs and her palm as well.

As Claire made her way back to the inn, leaving her husband to spend more time getting lost in the fascinating discoveries of his ancestor’s life, she pondered on what the housekeeper had told her. Apparently she was to be wed twice, and she smirked to herself, thinking she was probably not too far from the truth if Frank were to keep up with his research instead of spending more time with her, on their bloody honeymoon. She sped up, hearing thunder and managed to make her way back to the inn just before the storm broke.

She took a bath, her mind traveling back to the woman that had told her she’d never quite read a palm such as hers before. She didn’t manage to go into too much detail, other than the fact that her marriage line was forked, not broken, and that, for some reason, was strange. She once again huffed, as she struggled to tame her curls in the mirror, thinking Frank was taking his sweet time elsewhere, instead of with her.

When he finally did get back, the power had gone out, and Claire was lighting candles. He’d told her a bizarre story about a Scot he’d passed by. He’d apparently been staring up at her window, an managed to somehow make himself scarce before Frank had had the chance to confront him about it. And there it was. The first time one of them probed the subject. Had she been unfaithful, maybe, during the war? Was this some bloke that had recognized her, hoping to, how had he put it? – Reconnect?

Later, as they were lying in bed and Frank had fallen asleep, she stared at the ceiling, wide awake. Was sex going to be enough to cover up for all the unspoken things between them? Did he really believe that she hadn’t been unfaithful? And what about him? She wasn’t too sure, especially now that he’d told her that it didn’t matter whether she had been, for it wouldn’t have changed anything for him. It was, apparently, not uncommon for people to try and find comfort in someone else’s arms during distressful times.

She looked over at him, frowning to herself. She should’ve asked him when she’d had the chance. Shutting her eyes tight, she tried to go to sleep too, as Frank had insisted they’d set an alarm to go see a pagan custom at the break of dawn.

Claire was not at all happy to be getting up before the sun did, but here they were, climbing a God forsaken hill. Keeping their distance, and out of sight, they saw several women, including Mrs. Graham, the reverend’s housekeeper, approach a stone formation that reminded her of stonehenge. Eerie on their own, the scene before them got even spookier when the women began dancing around the stones, chanting things she couldn’t understand. They should’ve been ridiculous, and maybe they were, but for some reason the sight made Claire’s hair prickle. She felt like she was witnessing something she wasn’t meant to.

Before she realized it, the sun had emerged and the women had finished their incantations. They retreated as hastily as they’d come, and she looked at Frank to find him just as intrigued as she was.

They approached the stones, looking around, each minding their own business, trying to make sense of what had just happened. Claire’s attention was caught by some interesting flowers just at the base of one of the stones, but before she could pick them up, Frank heard someone approaching and suggested they left, lest they’d be caught spying, and sure enough, one of the women had returned looking for one of her hair ties.

The rest of the morning had had a very peculiar feel to it. She couldn’t quite shake the feeling. She tried immersing herself in a book, but when Frank announced he’d be going to do some more research with the Reverend, she informed him she’d also go back to Craig Na Dun, where she’d seen a flower that had sparked her interest. Just as she was trying to be understanding of Frank’s newfound passion for genealogy, he encouraged her to pursue hers for botany. She kissed him on his way out, thinking yet again that this was supposed to be their second honeymoon, and here they were, each doing their own thing.

She grabbed a shawl and took the car, remembering the way to the hill in question. She felt strange making her way uphill, remembering what she’d just witnessed happening there, but focused on finding the little blue flowers again, and not on the eerie rocks.

She smiled, spotting them and crouched, picking a few up in her handkerchief.

“Forget me not”

She almost didn’t hear it, it was a windy, albeit sunny day, but when she turned she jumped at the sight of a man towering over her

She tried to compose herself, clearing her throat “Excuse me?”

“Forget me not. The flowers” the stranger smiled gesturing towards her handkerchief

“Oh. Yes. I’d suspected as much” she smiled back, awkwardly. What was he doing here? The place was quite secluded, otherwise. She should’ve panicked, but felt oddly calm. She’d been more anxious when she’d been alone with the stones.

He extended his hand and she took it. Helping her to her feet, his hand lingered a moment longer than necessary and she pulled her shawl tighter around her shoulders.

“What brings ye here, mistress? I don’t see folk coming here all that often”

“Oh. I’d been here earlier this morning and... well, botany is a passion of mine... I returned to get a sample of-“

“-This morning? On Samhain?” his eyebrows held something mischievous to them

She blushed slightly “Well. You know of the ritual, then”

He nodded “I ken of it. But what does a Sassenach have to do with it, is what I dinna ken” he smirked

“My husband is quite taken with folklore and history in general. It was his idea” she shrugged “He wanted to see it for himself and I guess curiosity got the best of me as well”

The stranger smiled again and she couldn’t help but avert her eyes everytime their gazes locked. Those were the most intense blue eyes she’d ever seen. Quite extraordinary.

“Didn’t impress ye all that much if ye came here all by yerself in search of wee plants”

She should’ve felt warry of him mentioning how she was all alone with him there, but she didn’t. She acknowledged the fact that she should’ve been, and forced herself to try and extricate herself from said situation. She knew better than to stay in the middle of nowhere with a perfect stranger.

“Well. I guess curiosity got the best of me once more. I should be heading back” she took a few steps and suddenly the wind picked up, and she felt as if a swarm of bees were heading her way. She furrowed her brows and looked over at the man “Do you hear that?”

The stranger narrowed his eyes and before he could reply she was already walking towards the tallest stone. That’s where the sound came from. She couldn’t understand what could possibly make that noise coming from a rock!

“Wait!”

“Do you hear it?” she could hardly hear her own voice, much less his, but she felt him pull her back abruptly by the elbow just as her fingertips touched the stone.

“Is she dead?”

“Nah, lass, she isna dead. She just fainted. Keep yer voice down, aye?”

“Is she breathing?” the girl whispered

“Aye” the man whispered back

Claire felt something tickle her nose and her eyes flew open to bright red hair cascading over her face, immediately followed by piercing blue eyes.

“She’s alive!” the little girl beamed sitting back on her heels, hovering over her, and then a second pair of deep blue eyes came into view

“Thank Christ! Are ye alright, lass?”

Claire rested on her elbows, looking around. She was in a meadow, and the sun was shining bright upon them. The stranger from earlier was there and so was a little girl that looked like a carbon copy of the man, clearly his daughter, fact which put her at ease immensely.

“I... I think so. What happened?”

“Ye must’ve fainted. My wee one was waiting for me in the clearing so I couldn’t wait for ye to come to, atop the hill. We’re no faraway, though”

“You... carried me here?”

“Aye, Da brought you here like a knight in shining armor” the little girl beamed

Claire giggled “Well. It’s quite alright, I guess I’m lucky you were there. I do remember going lightheaded, kept hearing a deafening sound too. I think my inner ear might be the culprit, would explain the dizziness and loss of balance. Might be the higher altitude... but I doubt it...”

“Hm. Ye’re a doctor then, lass?”

“A nurse” Claire smiled “Thank you. I don’t believe I caught your name, mister...”

“Fraser. James Alexander Malcolm Mackenzie Fraser. But call me Jamie. And this here is Brianna”

Claire smiled back at the little girl “Nice to meet you both. I’m Claire, Claire Randall. Speaking of whom, I should get going. My husband must be worried sick”

“Ye werena out of it for long, lass, dinna fash” the man furrowed his brows slightly

“That’s a relief. What are you doing out here, do you need a ride into town by any chance?”

“Da took me out riding”

“Aye, we canna leave the horse behind. Mrs. Baird will have my guts for garters”

“Mrs. Baird? The innkeeper?”

“Aye, do ye ken her?”

“Yes, we’re staying at her inn for our second honeymoon”

“Second honeymoon? What was wrong with the first one?” Brianna asked sweetly

Claire laughed “Nothing. My husband and I were separated during the war, so we thought a second honeymoon would be nice”

“The war? The war you died in, Da?”

Claire laughed frowningly “He looks perfectly alive to me”

Jamie widened his eyes at Brianna and she in turn lowered her eyes, he then turned to Claire “I’ll get the horse, we’ll give ye a ride to yer car. Brianna, dinna chew off Mrs. Randall’s ear, alright?”

“It’s Claire, and thank you!” Claire waited a bit for Jamie to be far enough “Don’t worry. I understand. While your father was away at war it must’ve been awful”

Brianna nodded “He’s back now”

Claire smiled “Your mother must be happy about that as well”

“She will be, when we find her”

Claire furrowed her brows, but decided not to pry any longer, lest she said something wrong. Jamie was already back with the horse and he helped her to her feet once more

“Hmm... I haven’t ridden in quite a while, just so you know”

“”Tis alright, he’s gentle. I’ll hold the reigns”

He helped her up and the placed Brianna in front of her, and he walked alongside the horse.

“I didn’t know Mrs. Baird kept horses”

“Aye, Da looks after them so we can stay with her”

“Brianna” Jamie chided

“Sorry. Da is not just a stable boy, he’s a teacher”

“Ah, Dhia, Brianna...”

Claire giggled “It’s alright, Jamie. I love her enthusiasm. You’re quite proud of your father aren’t you, love?”

Brianna nodded enthusiastically

“I’m sure he’s proud of you as well, you’re such a clever little girl. How old are you?”

“I’m 7 years old”

“Such a big girl. Does he teach at your school, then?”

“Aye, he teaches Latin”

Claire looked at Jamie, her eyebrows shooting up in surprise, and caught him looking at her intently. She couldn’t hold his gaze for long, it was so intense.

The trip to her car had been awfully short, Claire caught herself a bit upset to be parting so soon with them.

“We’ll be seeing ye around the inn, then?” Jamie helped Claire dismount

“Oh, yes, we’re staying for a few more days, I believe. Franks keeps extending the trip” she rolled her eyes slightly

“Are ye no enjoying yer... second honeymoon, then?”

She sighed “I am, but he’s only extending it for the sake of some genealogic research he’s doing. Reverend Wakefield is helping him, and he’s quite excited about it. Meanwhile there are only so many ways to keep distracting myself. Such as going all by myself atop of hills looking for plants” she laughed

“We can keep you company! Da knows everything about the Highlands, ask anyone! He’ll show you around!”

Claire smiled at Brianna and got inside the car “Thank you, Jamie. You were the right person in the right place, at the right time”

“Do ye feel safe driving? Are ye still feeling light headed?”

“No, I’m perfectly fine now. Thank you”

“Brianna is right, ken. If ye find yerself bored, we’ll show ye a good time” he smiled and she couldn’t help but gaze into his eyes a little more than was polite

“I’ll take you up on that, then. Good bye for now, bye Brianna!” she waved at the little girl and after Jamie winked at her owlishly with both his eyes, she drove off.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hope you enjoy this next chapter! as always, thank you so much for reading and for your lovely feedback!!!❤️

The following day was a Friday, and Claire could only hope that Frank had more exciting ideas in store for the weekend. She’d exhausted all of her books, and was thinking of going to a bookstore, in search for new titles she’d only fantasized of having time to read in the past. The war had provided ample time for her to put together a neverending mental list of things she wished to do, and she reasoned she couldn’t complain now for having too much free time.

The hectic lifestyle she’d lived during the war had made it near impossible now to just be able to sit back and relax. She almost felt guilty for sitting around all day.

She tried not to feel too disappointed when Frank announced he’d be visiting the Reverend yet again, and tagged along this time. It was better than sitting at the inn all by herself, in any case.

As she was scanning the Wakefield library, she heard a ruckus in the parlor and before she knew it, she’d made her way there to see what was happening.

“Claire!” the cheerful voice put an instant smile on her lips “You’re here! Didn’t you say you were staying at the inn?”

“Hello!” she crouched to match the little girl’s height “Yes, I am, in fact. I am just visiting the Reverend”

“The two of ye have met, then?” Mrs. Graham smiled as well, taking Brianna’s jacket away

“Yes, we have, yesterday. And who is your friend?”

“This is Roger, and he’s _not_ my friend”

“Oh, come on now” Mrs. Graham scolded “None of that”

“Hi, Roger. I’m Claire” she extended her hand in a friendly manner and the shy little boy shook it

“Hello”

“How can you not be friends with him, Brianna? He’s so sweet”

“Yuck. Boys are gross”

Claire laughed as Mrs. Graham guided them all into the kitchen “Gross? Surely you don’t believe that. Do you think your father is gross, then?”

“Da is not a boy, he’s a man”

“Well, I’ll not argue with you there” Claire hummed more to herself but Mrs. Graham had obviously heard her

“Oh so ye’ve also met Jamie, then! How lovely”

Claire sat down at the table as per the woman’s indication “Well, yes. Briefly”

“Da _saved_ Claire. Like a knight in shining armor!”

“Oh, my!” Mrs. Graham giggled “I must hear all about it!”

“Yes, well, I was looking for a particular flower atop Craig Na Dun the other day”

“Oh?” the woman raised an eyebrow

“And I seem to have fainted, quite abruptly. Luckily Mr. Fraser was there. God knows how long I would’ve stood there unconscious had he not”

Mrs. Graham had gone suddenly quite quiet, and Claire decided not to stall on the subject “So, back from school, I gather?”

“Aye. Da had some work at the principal’s office, so Mrs. Graham picked me up along with Roger today”

“You’re awfully quiet, Roger. Is something upsetting you?”

“I’m not gross” he finally mumbled and the women burst into laughter

“Ye’re certainly not, dear. Brianna is just teasing ye” Mrs. Graham said as she was busying herself setting the table

The boy sighed and Claire leaned down towards him whispering “You know, qui s’aime, se taquine”

“Yuuuuck!” Brianna sat up in protest

Claire grinned, but looking over at Roger realized he hadn’t a clue what she’d just said “Those who tease eachother, love eachother” she offered “Since Brianna understood me, I figured you must be studying French in school”

Roger blushed profusely and couldn’t hide his smile, whereas Brianna rolled her eyes dramatically then explained “My stepbrother Fergus taught me French”

“Sit down ye wee numpty! Eat yer lunch, or else yer Da wilna let ye come to tae party tomorrow!”

“Party?”

Mrs. Graham smiled, pleased to have caught Claire’s attention “Aye, it’s Jamie’s birthday. T’was on the 1st of May actually but we’re celebrating tomorrow instead, a Saturday gathering being more agreeable with everyone”

“You’re close then, I gather”

“Oh aye, Jamie and Brianna are like extended family, ken. Especially since I dinna have grandchildren of my own. Roger and Brianna are my two angels”

“And Da?” Brianna frowned sputtering food from her mouth

“Aye, of course he is too. Keep yer food in yer mouth, dear. Would ye like a serving, Claire? Or will ye be eating in the dining room with the Reverend and Mr. Randall?”

“I’d love to join you, if it’s alright. It does look quite appetizing”

Mrs. Graham insisted on serving Claire and then went on to serve the men.

After heeding to the woman’s warning and finishing her meal, Brianna walked over to Claire and whispered in her ear “Will you help me with something?”

“If I can, sure. What is it?” Claire whispered back

“Will you help me buy Da a present?”

Realizing the little girl didn’t succeed in whispering and that everybody heard her anyway, she offered in a low voice “Oh? What did you have in mind?”

The little girl worried her lower lip “Dinna ken... I’ve asked other people who woudlna help...” she shot Mrs. Graham a death stare and Claire giggled

“Lass, ye should keep yer piggy bank, yer Da woudlna want ye spending yer coins”

Brianna pouted and turned back to Claire “Please, Claire? I really want to get him something!”

“Well, of course, it’s fine with me, but how would we go about it? He’ll probably be home soon”

Claire heard her husband’s voice before she saw him “Oh, it’s quite the gathering in here”

She smiled at Frank “This is Brianna, and I believe you’ve met Roger already”

“Yes, of course. Pleased to meet you, Brianna” Frank smiled at the little girl and she nodded back, turning her attention to Claire

“We’ll just go, and you’ll bring me back at the inn anyway since you are staying there too!”

“What’s this about?”

Claire looked at Brianna sympathetically, she was so excited already “Brianna asked me to go shopping with her for a birthday present for her father”

“Oh? I was going to head downtown anyway, I want to see if I can get some records from the public library. Want to tag along?”

Brianna began bouncing up and down and Claire worried her lower lip “I don’t know, I still feel apprehensive about it, not having your father’s permission”

“You canna ask him anyway, he’d ken about the present then!” Brianna chided exasperatedly

“I’ll let Jamie know, lass. Go on and take her into town, she’s in good hands with ye” Mrs. Graham offered

“It’s settled then. I’ll start the engine” Frank ruffled Roger’s hair and left, followed by an eager Brianna pulling Claire along.

For a brief moment, Claire indulged into the fantasy that they were out as a make believe family. What if Brianna were their daughter? She’d tried starting a family with Frank, and so far, they’d had no luck. Then the war had gotten in the way. They hadn’t discussed it upon reuniting, but she figured they were still on the same page, not using any contraceptive methods.

Frank had always wanted children, and she wasn’t averse to it. She didn’t feel like her biologic clock was ticking and that her time would soon run out, as she’d seen other women fret about, some even younger than her. As a nurse she had the medical knowledge to be aware of the fact that the sooner she had babies, the better. But she was not losing sleep over it.

Jamie was a young father. She could tell he was in his twenties still. She wondered yet again about Brianna’s mother, and still couldn’t quite understand what she’d meant about “finding her”. It was most unusual, but she couldn’t bring herself to ask the little girl, presuming that she knew all there was to it. By all accounts, it did seem as though he was raising her on his own. And what was that about a step brother? Maybe her mother had gone off and married someone else, and her father hadn’t had the heart to tell her the whole truth about it.

The two of them girls sitting in the back seat, Brianna offered her piggy bank to Claire and asked her to count the coins. She managed to get them out without having to actually break it, and seeing how little Brianna actually had, decided then and there that she’d be effectively buying Jamie a present, after all. There was no way they could make do with such a little amount. And she didn’t want to break the little girl’s heart. She told her it was enough for a decent present, and so when Frank parked in front of the library, they strolled down the street hand in hand, in search of shops that might have something suitable.

“So, what are we looking for? What does your father like?”

“Hmmm. He likes horses... reading... whiskey... telling stories... the outdoors...”

“Alright. Well, out of all of these, I’d say a book may be a good present. Whiskey wouldn’t be very appropriate coming from his daughter. Should we look for a book?”

The little girl nodded and Claire was pleased to have a good reason to go to the library and find some new books for herself as well, as she’d originally intended.

They stepped inside and Claire offered some suggestions. But Brianna insisted her father had already read those titles

“How do you know he’s read them?”

“Because I’ve seen them on the bookshelf”

Claire narrowed her eyes “These are heavy titles, you must know how to read pretty well to have remembered them”

“Aye, I do. Da taught me to read before going to school”

“And he didn’t also teach you to count? You asked me to count your coins earlier”

“I know how many they are, but I don’t know their value. I wanted to know if it was enough to buy him something nice” Brianna shrugged and Claire’s mouth fell agape. Such a clever little girl.

“You’re right. Hmmm ok, I see he’s read the classics, then. Let’s move on to something a bit more contemporary. Oh! Here’s a new release, I’ve read this one. It’s very good. And judging by what you’ve told me, I think he’ll enjoy it”

“Flowers for Alrgernon?”

“Very good!” Claire was impressed. She’d read the title as quickly as a grown up would have

“Sounds nice. Da likes flowers. His favorite are those you found the other day at the stones”

“Really? Forget me nots?”

Brianna nodded “He says they’re Ma’s favorite and that’s why they’re his favorite too”

Claire hear sank, she didn’t quite know what to say to that “That’s lovely, Brianna”

“Do you like forget me nots?”

“Yes, they’re beautiful. Hadn’t seen any before, actually. Let’s pay for the book and go find Frank, shall we?”

“Alright”

As they stood in line at the cash register, Brianna turned over to the religious section, and gasped “Claire! Wait!” she gestured for her to come look at something

“What is it?”

“Do we have enough to buy this rosary?”

Indeed next to bibles and some other religious books, there were also rosaries and other small Christian miscellanea. Claire’s eyebrows rose, she hadn’t expected Jamie to be a Catholic seeing how close he was to the Reverend’s household, but then again, so were her and Frank, so she supposed that wasn’t as much of an issue here as it sadly was in other places she’d lived in.

The rosary was indeed beautifully made, and of course this too exceeded Brianna’s savings “I’m afraid you’re going to have to choose” she pouted and the little girl didn’t have to think for too long

“I’ll take the rosary, I ken Da will love it more than any book”

“Oh? Well then” Claire contemplated for a few moments and then finally said “I really think he would love this book, do you mind if I bought it for him?”

“You’re coming to the party then?” Brianna smiled ear to ear and Claire was left at a loss for words

“Well... I haven’t been invited. I suppose it was quite presumptuous of me”

Brianna frowned “Of course you are invited. After Da saved you?! Besides, he was very happy about it all day, yesterday, he kept talking about you”

Claire was silent for a moment, contemplating what her reaction should be. Clearly little Brianna’s innocence and sincerity was not something she wanted to take advantage of. But curiosity got the best of her. She turned towards the cash register once again and Brianna followed

“He did? What did he say?” she asked nonchalantly

“He said ye were verrrrra bonny” Brianna offered, in her best take at her father’s thick Scottish accent. Hers wasn’t as strong, though

“He _did_?”

“Aye. ‘Christ, she’s bonny. Isna she bonny?’ he kept saying”

Claire suddenly wanted to change the subject. She didn’t feel comfortable hearing that. She was married, and Brianna was his daughter, and even if he hadn’t meant it _that way,_ she still felt awkward about it.

She stared down at the book wondering if it was a good idea, after all; but it was too late, the cash register already packed it into a paper bag along with the rosary, and Claire ended up feeling very guilty buying another man she hardly knew presents, for a birthday party she hadn’t even been invited to.

They walked in silence then towards the public library. Brianna seemed very intuitive for a little girl her age. She must had noticed Claire had gone pensive and was being quiet as well.

As they reached the building, Frank emerged and he chuckled at their perfect timing “Did you find what you were looking for?” she asked her husband

“No, sadly. But the librarian told me I have a greater chance in Edinburgh as it houses a much larger archive”

Claire couldn’t help but grimace “Are you thinking of making the trip?”

“Well, we’re so close... moving to Oxford will only make it more difficult. Might as well, while I’m here” his gaze shifted to Brianna and he smiled, seeing how the little girl had taken such a liking to Claire so rapidly “You two are getting along just fine, aren’t you?” he then looked up at Claire “You know, if I didn’t know any better I’d say you were related”

Claire furrowed her brows smilingly “Hardly. With her lovely red hair and beautiful blue eyes?”

Frank tsked “It’s the more subtle features. Like your ears, for instance. And your nose, your eyebrows. Can’t quite pinpoint it. Very peculiar” he shrugged, smiling “You do look quite the pair though”

They drove back to the inn, and by now the sun was nearly setting. Claire helped Brianna out of the car and the little girl took her hand immediately, even if they were just a few steps away from the entrance. She couldn’t help but smile. They entered the inn, while Frank went to park in a better parking spot he’d found whilst staying there.

Immediately, she heard someone rushing down the stairs “There ye are!” Jamie grinned, seeing them, his eyes going from their entwined hands to both their faces and then back to their hands again

Brianna extricated herself from Claire’s hand and jumped into her father’s arms and he pulled her up against his upper body “Where have ye two been?”

“Oh, just out for a stroll. Mrs. Graham said it was alright, I hope I didn’t overstep...”

“Nah, It’s alright, lass” he smiled “Did ye enjoy yer time with Claire, then?” he looked up at his daughter

“Yes! I invited her to the party tomorrow” she said, very pleased with herself

Jamie chuckled “Well, it’s a small gathering, really, Mrs. Graham insisted she’d cook us a meal for tha occasion”

“And cake too!”

“Cake too?”

“Oops!” Brianna slapped her hands over her mouth

“Ye wee tattle tale!” Jamie grinned “It isna yer fault, really. Got it from yer mam. She couldna keep a secret to save her life” he said, gazing at Claire and she couldn’t help but break eyecontact “Well, not for lack of trying. Her face just betrayed her, is all”

Just then, Frank finally made his way inside the inn as well. Jamie’s smile faded instantly and Claire had raised her eyes back to him just in time to catch his reaction.

“Frank, this is Mr. Fraser. Brianna’s father” Claire smiled at her husband and he in turn extended his hand

"Frank Randall. How do you do?”

Jamie nodded and shook Frank’s hand briefly, bringing it back to hold Brianna with both.

“Well. I guess we’ll call it a night” Frank gestured for Claire to lead the way up the stairs.

“Good night!” she said, passing father and daughter

“Good night!” Brianna answered and her father followed, barely audible.

When they’d almost reached their room, she heard Brianna’s little feet climb the stairs hurriedly

“Claire! You’ll come tomorrow, won’t you?”

Frank raised an eyebrow and Claire explained in a low voice “It’s her father’s birthday, remember? We went in town to buy him a present?”

“Oh. Well that’s great, actually. I could make the drive to and fro Edinburgh in the meanwhile, since you didn’t seem too keen on accompanying me”

“It’s settled then!” Claire winked at Brianna and looked after the little girl as she climbed down the stairs to tell her father the good news.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (i know "Flowers for Algernon" was in fact published later on. please turn a blind eye to that lil bit of inaccuracy)


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, without it being my intention this has somehow morphed into a once a week update. remember those daily updates in the beginning? yeah. i know, i'm sorry. i'll do my very best with my next fic to not keep you waiting for as long in between chapters (i won't post it until i've pre-written a substantial amount of chapters) as it is now, i hardly find the time to write the following chapter. wish i could post them closer together! feel free to re-read the previous chapter to freshen up your memory.  
> thank you so much for the amazing feedback. you guys are just the best ❤️ hope you enjoy this next chapter!

Claire stretched lazily upon waking up the following morning. She’d slept in, she knew even without checking the clock on the nightstand. Her husband had kept her occupied well into the night, and she couldn’t help but smile. She wondered what had brought it on, as Frank had seemed to redouble his efforts. She wondered if it was because of Brianna, seeing the two of them hand in hand had apparently reminded him of his intentions of starting a family. But it couldn’t have been just that, Frank had really made an effort to satisfy his wife, and it wasn’t as though he wasn’t a generous lover usually, but this time he’d really outdone himself. She wasn’t about to complain, far from it, and was almost about to forget his immediate departure for Edinburgh when he came into the room carrying his suitcase.

She stood up slightly, hugging the duvet closer “You’re packing? Exactly how long are you planning on staying in Edinburgh?”

Frank leaned over, giving her a gentle peck and then placed the suitcase next to her on the bed, opening it “I wasn’t planning on staying the night, but then the reverend offered to accompany me. Wouldn’t do to tag the man along for a hasty trip, so we’ll have to spend the night there and since tomorrow’s a Sunday and everything will be closed, in case we don’t find what we’re looking for we would have to wait on Monday. Figured I’d better pack in case we need to stay”

Claire’s brows furrowed “Are you really planning on leaving me here for days on end? Frank, might I remind you that this was supposed to be our second honeymoon?”

Frank mimicked her frown “Well, I didn’t realize it would be an issue. You seem to be getting along with the locals, I thought you’d be entertained in my absence while I took care of some work, you haven’t complained thus far”

She backed into the bedstead and tightened her grip on the duvet “Only because I was trying to be supportive and understanding! And this is hardly “work”! I understand it’s your newfound passion but you’re treating this like you would a mission. We’re here to relax and have fun…reconnect. Not to work!”

“I thought we were… reconnecting”

“I thought so too, but here you are packing a suitcase, leaving me here all by myself”

“You’re the one who didn’t want to come, as I recall”

“Yes, but I thought you’d be back by nightfall. Christ, Frank!” she was on the brink of tears, and he was looking at her as though she spoke Chinese. Was he really so dense?

Frank’s shoulders slumped “Well, I can’t back out now. Reggie is as excited about this trip as I am”

She scoffed, blinking back her tears, and pulled the duvet from beneath the suitcase as she jumped out of bed, tugging it to herself, and hurried inside the en-suite, slamming the door behind her.

Sitting on the edge of the bathtub she brought a corner of the duvet to her face, stifling her sobs.

How could it go from incredible to unbelievable in just a matter of hours? He was breaking her heart. Was he doing it on purpose? Was he trying to distance himself? Keep her at arm’s length? She almost preferred that to him being totally oblivious to how infuriating and careless it was of him to leave her behind like that, to how ridiculous it was that he was preferring spending time on his research instead of spending time together with her, “reconnecting”.

Wiping her tears away, she carefully opened the door to the en-suite and peered inside their room only to find it empty. She walked over to the dresser, his suitcase was gone and so were part of his belongings, and her breath caught, wondering if he’d really left like that without even trying to reconcile.

She peered out the window, and looked down the street, searching for his car. It was another bright, sunny day, and she squinted to see, and thus pulled away the curtain, aiming for a better view.

She did see his car at last, he was loading the suitcase into the truck, and she couldn’t believe it when he opened the door to get in, the reverend following suit in the passenger’s seat. New tears were threatening to overspill, her chin trembling, and after looking at him drive away, a movement caught her eye just beneath her window. A set of russet curls had caught the sunlight and she immediately realized who the owner was. Looking further down she caught hold of his gaze, he was looking up, right into her soul and, realizing she was still only covering her nakedness with the flimsy duvet, gasped releasing her grip on the curtains, stepping away from the window.

Hours later, Claire walked into the reverend’s house, where the “party” was to take place, and Mrs. Graham informed Claire how torn the minister had been to have to choose between attending Jamie’s festivities and accompanying Frank to Edinburgh, but ultimately decided to help the latter with his research as Jamie “wasn’t going anywhere”, as he’d put it. The woman had told Claire this in good humor but was concerned to see her not finding it particularly funny

“Sorry, m’dear. Clearly you’re not very happy with this impromptu trip, I gather”

Claire grimaced “I’m afraid not, if I’m being perfectly honest”. They made their way to the parlor where the table had been set. Claire was surprised to see so many people, and her eyes searched for familiar faces, but could only recognize Mrs. Baird, Roger, Brianna and of course the birthday boy, Jamie himself, who gestured for her to go sit next to him, where a seat was waiting vacantly for her.

She smiled clumsily and made her way around the table, and Jamie stood up, holding her chair out for her to sit. He then retrieved his seat next to her and she tried to put aside the awkwardness, after the little incident previously “Happy birthday, Jamie. I hope you haven’t read this one” she handed him the book she’d picked for him, wrapped with a simple red bow

His gaze lingered on her face for a moment longer then looked at the book and smiled, his grin growing wider

“Darnit” she sighed

“If it’s any consolation, I love it. Will definitely enjoy reading it again, it’s been a while”

She frowned confusedly “A while? It’s only just been released. Maybe you have it confused with some other book?” she almost sounded hopeful

Jamie cleared his throat and placed the book on a welsh dresser behind him carefully “Thank ye, Claire. Ye didna have to get me anything”

“I see Brianna made the right choice with her gift”

Jamie touched his rosary, caressing it between his fingers, the tucking it away beneath his shirt again “Aye. She kens me well. I heard all about yer wee adventure at the bookshop”

“She sure does. She decided on that over the book I’d suggested. I still felt you’d like it and wanted you to have it, but oh well. At least I was right about you liking it, that is, if you have indeed read it already”

“I have. And I do”

Claire looked around and noticed people downright staring at them, so Jamie took it upon himself to introduce her to everyone. She was impressed to see so many people had turned up, she’d been imagining a small gathering as he’d insisted. Everyone seemed to love Jamie and they reminisced on funny moments, special memories they cherished of the young man and his daughter. She’d learned that they’d only been living there for the better part of the last 2 years, and Claire was soaking up all the information she could. It appeared that Jamie was as friendly and kind as she’d suspected, everyone had only good things to say about him, going on and on about how he’d always lend a helping hand, what a brilliant professor he was to his pupils and what notable benefits he’d brought to their small community since joining them. He was also apparently quite good with horses, and was helping one of the men, old Alec, with the stables and also teaching kids how to ride.

“Do you only teach children?”

“No, ‘tis only that most adults already ken how to ride” his eyes widened “Would ye be interested?”

“Well, I know the basics, but as you’ve probably noticed the other day, it’s been a while. My uncle taught me, a long time ago. I suppose the opportunity failed to present itself in recent years”

“Weel, consider the opportunity arisen. Canna think of a better way to exercise off this feast”

“Oh, today?” Claire fumbled “But it’s your birthday”

“No it isn’t, it was on Wednesday!” Brianna chimed in from behind her father

Jamie bent to kiss her daughter’s forehead “Indeed it was, a leannan. Today we’re just celebrating, aye?” he then turned back towards Claire “It’s just a normal Saturday afternoon otherwise, Sassenach.”

She smiled “You’ve called me that before. And here I thought I was welcome here, amongst you”

Brianna’s little brows furrowed “But you are! Tell her, Da!”

Jamie chuckled “Of course she is, and she knows I only mean it in good humor, dinna fash yerself”

“How do you know?” the little girl insisted

“I just do. Don’t ye, Claire?”

“I do” the woman smiled “It’s in the way you say it”

Jamie looked at her from underneath his lashes and she had to look away for a moment, quickly offering to help Mrs. Graham clear the table to busy herself.

When they returned with the cake, everybody joined in, singing happy birthday. She tried to stay in the back, let others get closer to him, and she couldn’t help but smile when she saw him smile ear to ear, the cake placed in front of him, lights out, only the candles lighting up his features as he got closer to them. Brianna was jumping up and down and he bent to whisper something in her ear, to which she nodded enthusiastically. He picked her up in his arms and brought both their faces level with the cake and just before he blew out the candles, he briefly searched the room and his eyes landed on hers.

For some reason, her breath caught. She didn’t know whether it was just because of the fact that it was all too picture perfect, the moment in itself felt surreal somehow, almost the same as it had when she’d watched the druids dance on top Craig Na Dun. Much in the same way, she found she couldn’t look away. She held his gaze and felt his eyes burn more intensely than those candles in front of him ever could. She brought her hand gingerly to her neck, feeling a bit overcome with emotion. He then whispered something else in Brianna’s ear without ever breaking eye contact with Claire, then they both blew out the candles and his little girl proceeded to paint his face with whipped cream.

The spell broken, Claire huffed out a breath she hadn’t even realized holding. _What the hell, Beauchamp?_

She extricated herself before Mrs. Graham could place a serving of cake in her hands.

Claire was enjoying the nice weather from inside her room at the inn. She’d pulled her chaise lounge next to the window, opened it wide and pushed the curtains aside, the sun had mellowed down to a perfect afternoon glow. Early May was always so special. Everything seemed to be coming back alive. The grass had surely never been as green before, trees were blooming overnight, bees were resurrected, ants and ladybugs were climbing buildings in short detours, crickets could be heard at night once more. This spring had been particularly enjoyable, post war. Post death, horrors and desperation. There would always be another spring. There would always be another sunrise.

She tried to focus on all that, but the bitterness of Frank’s departure was still lingering. Especially after the night they’d shared, she was appalled at how rapidly he’d changed his demeanor and simply left like that.

She kept re-reading the same pages on her new book, which was entirely captivating but was failing to engage her, her mind elsewhere.

A perfectly nice day and she was wasting it inside her room. A perfectly nice second honeymoon and he was wasting it all on bloody research.

She closed her eyes for a moment, focusing on the enthralling birdsong she could hear out the window. She smiled to herself, feeling peaceful for a brief moment, but suddenly someone else’s smile came to mind and the whole scene replayed before her eyes. Jamie locking their gaze as he was preparing to blow the candles.

_Oh, Beauchamp, you really are pathetic._

She grunted. She’d been through a bloody world war, they’d been apart for 5 whole years and she didn’t stray once, she didn’t even remotely contemplate the notion, and here she was, thinking about another man’s smile, while the scent of their lovemaking still lingered on the sheets

No, this was not what it was. She refused to become one of those bored housewives who probably sought out affairs just for the sake of not losing their minds with boredom rather than anything else. She would not succumb to those dreadfully pathetic scenarios. What she and Frank had was real, their connection was strong, their marriage had survived the war. She had to be patient with him, she had to be more understanding. Surely he was struggling as well but didn’t want to appear weak and kept it all to himself.

What else did he keep to himself, she wondered. The way in which he’d approached the subject on that stormy night made her question a thing or two, maybe he’d not be entirely truthful. Well, it wasn’t as if she’d ever asked him outright, for him to deny or confirm anything. He’d simply said that it wouldn’t have made any difference for him whether she’d been unfaithful or not, that somehow during war people needed a warm touch, a shoulder to cry on, human contact, and it was alright.

_The hell it was!_

No, she’d been faithful to him, never once even considering doing anything to jeopardize what they had. And she’d had plenty of opportunities.

And what about him? Frank was a jealous, red-blooded man. To simply tell her that it was ok if she’d strayed was simply mindblowing coming from him. Had he said that just to justify his own actions?

A gentle knock on the door pulled her out of her own thoughts. She flinched upward, unsure if she’d maybe just imagined it, but sure enough she heard it again followed by an unmistakable deep voice “Mistress? Are ye there?”

She almost stumbled to the door, glancing rapidly into a mirror first and berating herself mentally for doing so

She opened the door and was met with those piercing blue eyes “Ye missed cake, earlier. I tried to save a piece but couldn’t fight off the hyenas. Scots have a soft spot for cake” he narrowed his eyes playfully and she giggled

“I’m a Sassenach, as you so keenly point out time and again, so maybe that’s why I don’t really care for it”

“That’s why ye left, then? The cake offended yer English sensibilities?”

She wanted to laugh but the underlying question had trapped her.

Before she could muster up a lie he cleared his throat “I believe I were to get ye reacquainted with horseriding this fine afternoon”

“Jamie… I couldn’t possibly impose on your free time like that. Don’t mind me. I’m just…” she scoffed “A bored housewife, I guess”

He furrowed his brows as if he’d never heard anything more absurdly ridiculous than that “Dinna ever say that, Claire. I know ye’re hurt. I’ve seen ye this morning at the window. But dinna let anyone break yer spirit, ever. Now’ he squared his shoulders in determination “Wear something comfortable and I’ll be waiting at the stables out back. Ye need to get out of yer head a bit. It’s a beautiful day. What do ye say” he paused for effect “Sassenach?” his playful tone was back once more and she couldn’t help but smile back

“Alright. I’ll be right down”

He nodded and took his leave and Claire put on a pair of trousers and a shirt, placed a jumper over her shoulders should she need it when the sun went down, and a pair of oxford shoes. She tied a high ponytail and was good to go.

Jamie was indeed waiting at the stables and after they both mounted, they began riding side by side with Jamie giving her pointers on how to better hold the reigns, steer the horse, and it was in under 40 minutes that she’d gotten the hang of it once more

“I suppose it’s like riding a bicycle” she chuckled

He smirked “Well, maybe a tad more complex than that, but aye, I get yer meaning”

“You seem especially good at it, almost like you’ve been doing it professionally”

“That’s because I have”

“Oh? How does teaching Latin go with equestrianism?”

“Well, I suppose if there has to be a language to go with it, Latin would have to be it” he smiled at her “I’ve done it before I started teaching”

“What made you give it up?”

“I didn’t. I just kept what I loved most about it, I guess”

They rode into a beautiful meadow and Claire was straining her neck, trying to see different plants that caught her attention. Jamie dismounted and help her get on her own two feet too, then tethered the horses to a nearby tree as he watched her go about finding her wee plants.

He slowly approached her, trying not to stay in her sun, and she looked up at him, smilingly

“Are ye a botanist, then?”

“Hm, not really. I just have a passion for botany. A rather newfound one. I suppose I can hold it against my husband for having a new hobby of his own, his does seem more interesting than mine, I’ll give him that” she chuckled but she realized she’d come off more bitter than she’d intended

“What hobby would that be?”

She scoffed, placing a plant in a handkerchief and that, in turn, in her pocket. She stood up and they began strolling aimlessly “He’s doing some genealogical research on his family tree. He’s stumbled upon a rather famous ancestor of his, and he’s determined to find out as much as he can about him”

“Famous? Why, what was he, a king?”

She snorted “Hardly. He was quite a barbaric character with a fitting name to go with it. Black Jack Randall” Jamie’s lips pressed into a thin like and she dismissed the conversation “I don’t know why it’s got him so enthralled. Him and the reverend too!”

“Aye, the reverend is quite the history buff. Taught Brianna a lot of things most children her age wouldna ken”

“You’ve quite the precocious daughter, you know”

“Oh, I know. Too smart for her own good sometimes” he smiled

“I’m glad I met her. Got me thinking about starting a family again”

“You’d like to be a mother?”

“I don’t know… I used to want to. Lately, I’m not too sure anymore” she frowned “Well, it’s not that I don’t want to anymore, I’m not sure it’s what my marriage needs right now. We’re here on our second honeymoon, Frank and I. And so far, well… you saw it for yourself this morning”

“Aye, I did. I didna mean to intrude, I just saw ye at the window looking so heartbroken that I couldna look away”

She looked at him as he said that and got lost in his eyes for a long moment

“How do you do it?”

“What?”

“Fatherhood, on your own. With a daughter, no less. That can’t be easy”

“It isna” She felt him tense up slightly and decided not to probe any further but he went on “It’s not natural. A bairn should have their mam. I try my best but nobody can replace a mother, not even a father with best intentions”

“What… what happened? If you don’t mind my asking”

Jamie looked at her for a long moment and then said “She died. In childbirth”

“Oh, God… Oh, Jamie…”

They’d reached the horses and both mounted in silence. The sun was setting, and the crickets were starting to chirp. Jamie had just turned 27, she’d counted the candles on his cake. She’d found out Brianna wasn’t 7 yet, but had rounded up her age as most children do after hitting the 6 month mark. That made Jamie a very young father, and an even younger widower.

She couldn’t even begin to comprehend how all that must’ve taken its toll on him.

Then, suddenly, she remembered what Brianna had told her when she’d first met them, mere days ago. Something about finding her mother. And suddenly, it held a whole new meaning, and her heart fluttered before she could even wrap her mind around it.


	22. Chapter 22

Jamie’s heart was threatening to burst out of his chest. It took all of his willpower not to tell her. Tell her everything. _Ye’re mine, and mine alone. Canna ye see?_

He’d once had to do something similarly difficult, when he took her atop Craig Na Dun for her to go back, back to her own time. He smirked to himself, that had been the hardest thing he’d ever done. And for what? What even was “her own time”? This? Where a man not even worthy of her resting her gaze upon him lived? This is the man he thought would raise his daughter? This is the man he’d expected to protect his lasses, love them? This?

Jamie narrowed his eyes back to where Frank’s car had driven off from. The sight of her trembling wee chin at the window had broken his heart. The fact that she’d been obviously naked beneath that blanket was tearing his guts. He felt sick, sick to his very core.

He stood there, in front of the inn a long while. He wished he hadn’t seen that scene play out before his eyes, but alas, he had. He always knew she’d been someone else’s before, he knew well enough what that meant, but knowing was different from seeing and he might as well seen them in bed together. He’d never forget the way she’d looked staring out that window, would never forget her trembling chin, her puffy eyes. But also her swollen lips, her wild curls. He’d seen her like that, and it made his blood boil to know that another man could experience her passion. He didn’t know what infuriated him more, her broken heart or her disheveled appearance.

Jamie took a long walk to clear his head, but it wasn’t doing anything to calm him down. Seeing Frank in the flesh the previous evening made his skin crawl. The resemblance was uncanny. And then to see Claire go upstairs with that monster had him on the brink of insanity. He’d eventually taken Brianna’s hand and went to their room, and could barely hide his mood from the enthusiastic wee one. She was so happy Claire was going to attend his birthday party. It made him smile to see his daughter being drawn to her mother like that, it was surely something that couldn’t be explained. Normally Brianna wasn’t friendly with mere strangers. But the invisible bond between mother and daughter had worked its magic, clearly. Still, he couldn’t for the life of him stop thinking about Claire and Frank and what was probably going on in the room mere feet away from his.

He went through Brianna’s bedtime routine, then by some miracle she was sleepy enough and went right to sleep. He lay next to her staring at the ceiling for hours, never having felt so powerless in all his life, not even when Black Jack had had his wicked way with him.

He’d hoped that by the following morning he’d be able to toughen up and put on a cheerful face for Brianna’s sake, but with just a few hours of sleep he was a right mess.

Now, walking the roads of Inverness he wondered how he was going to cope with all of this.

Waiting almost 2 years for the timing to be right had been hell enough. Brianna had been the only factor keeping him afloat. He’d known it would have been futile to try and find Claire during the war. He knew she’d been a nurse and not much else. He did try and find her, having made friends in the right places, and maybe in normal circumstances he would’ve found her. But during the war there simply was no way to get to her. Such information was not easily obtained. Finding Frank had been an option as well, but having known he’d worked on undercover missions, he realized it’d be impossible to track him.

He’d had a wee lassie to raise, to provide for. He’d had to make ends meet. Thankfully he’d used all the knowledge he had on World War II to come up with a credible story as to who he was and what they were doing there, with no family, no money, no identification. But the community he’d found there in Inverness had supported him, a single father, struggling to raise his daughter on his own with no family left, jobless due to the war and the fact that he couldn’t enroll in order to not leave his daughter behind to strangers. He’d fled and hid the best he could to protect her.

And so, Mrs. Baird gave them a room in her inn, and he’d take care of her horses in the stables alongside old Alec who was meaning to retire for years but couldn’t quite get himself to leave indefinitely. He’d do odd jobs for the people of Inverness, anything from farming to running errands, anything to earn a penny, no sum was too small, they needed all the help they could get. Soon, the community accepted them as their own and took a liking to the little family. They took turns providing clothes and toys for Brianna, hand-me-downs from their own growing children. Mrs. Graham provided almost all of their homecooked meals insisting on looking after Brianna whenever Jamie had some small job to do.

After the war ended he managed to successfully arrange for legal documents for both him and his daughter, as well as get a job at the local school as a Latin professor. The small room at the inn had been sufficient for the two of them, plus he likely wouldn’t have had the funds to ensure rent on a professor’s salary. But at least he could now earn a living and didn’t have to rely solely on the generosity of the small community. They of course all knew Jamie was now employed having worked out his documents, but still continued to help him out in whichever way they could.

Raising his daughter, his own flesh and blood had been the most frightening thing he’d ever had to do. And he’d died on Culloden- he knew fear, he knew terror. But having her little heart in the palms of his hands was the single most terrifying thing he’d experienced in all his life. The enormity of it had been almost unbearable. He hadn’t even met her before they were thrown through the stones together. She’d been 5 years old, a wee bairn, and he didn’t know the first thing about raising a child, much less a lassie.

But they’d made it through, the two of them, and now he couldn’t fathom his life without his daughter. She’d made the wait bearable. He knew that Claire would be coming to Inverness on her “second honeymoon” with Frank, he knew the exact date, for how could he forget the day she’d stumbled into his life all those centuries ago? He knew she’d be atop Craig Na Dun on the 2nd of May, and he knew why she would go there, too.

To his surprise, one of the times he’d gone up there to sit and stare at those stones, he’d noticed there were no forget-me-nots around. He knew for certain that Claire had gone up there to collect that flower for her wee herb collection. She’d told him so. He remembered everything she’d told him after he’d saved her from the witch trial.

He didn’t want to risk anything, so he’d planted those flowers himself at the base of the stones, to make sure she’d come back for them. And when she would, he’d finally greet her, effectively stopping her from accidentally going through the stones.

His plan had worked like clockwork.

Unfortunately, he hadn’t thought much about how he’d manage the situation afterwards.

What had he expected? That she’d immediately recognize him? He _hadn’t_ recognized _her._ Surely he’d known it wouldn’t be so simple.

But now, all he wanted to do was kill that bastard, and he knew that was certainly not the wise thing to do. But he wanted it, he wanted it so much it made his blood boil. He wanted to kill Frank more than he’d ever wanted to kill Black Jack. And that was saying something.

_Get it together, Fraser. Ye’re going to lose her if ye don’t._

One wrong move and she could turn on her heels and leave, he knew her well enough. He had to thread very carefully, not to spook her, pressure her, make her feel like she was doing anything wrong. He knew how loyal she was, and he’d seen her sitting at that window, damn it. She loved Frank, she still loved him, and he knew it shouldn’t have made him jealous, it was not her fault. He was her husband, after all.

So how was he to go around this? How could he give her the choice again, as he’d done all those years ago? And what if this time she didn’t choose him? It wasn’t just him now, either. Brianna needed her mam.

By the time he made it back around to the inn, the party was ready to commence. He was grateful for all his new friends that were like family. He braved a smile for them and for his daughter, but he truly smiled wholeheartedly when his Sassenach finally made her appearance.

Christ, but she was beautiful. Had she always been quite so bonny? It was as if he was seeing her for the first time. Those two years without her he’d kept her memory close to his heart, always in his mind, forever with him wherever he went, whatever he did. To have her there, next to him, finally… felt surreal.

He tried his level best not to ogle her, but he couldn’t get his eyes off her luscious lips. He barely registered what she’d been telling him.

Flowers for Algernon. He smiled, such a lovely read. He’d read it in his teens, in the 21st century. His two lives somehow managed to slip one into the other seamlessly, and sometimes it was hard figuring out when exactly he’d lived something or the other.

When the cake arrived, she’d hurried to the back of the crowd, but he kept his eyes on her the entire time. When the time came for him to blow the candles and make a wish he whispered into Brianna’s ear “Wish for yer mam, aye?”. He blew the candles looking into his Sassenach’s eyes and knew everything he’d ever wanted in life was right there in that very room.

Jamie spent some time with his daughter after the party, she’d had her very own ideas of fun birthday activities, and he obliged her. Leaving her then with Mrs. Graham, he made his way up to Claire’s room. He’d promised her riding lessons and he did everything he could to distract himself from the innuendo there.

He wanted nothing more than to storm into that room, take her into his arms and ravish her, finally, the way he’d imagined hundreds of thousands of times. He was on edge, and would like be so indefinitely now that she was there, so close and yet so far away. He had to keep his passion in check, else he’d make a right mess of everything.

Riding alongside her and then strolling through the meadow side by side was torture yet at the same time, it was heaven. How he’d waited to see her, to have her stand next to him, to hear her voice again, to gaze into those whisky colored eyes of hers again. He’d have given anything for a glimpse of her, and now, there she was, and it felt surreal. He prayed for guidance, kept touching the rosary Brianna had gifted him, and hoped God would see him through this. He needed all the help he could get if he were to do this right.

But Claire was a married woman, and he couldn’t risk her reputation like that, as much as he wanted to keep her all to himself that evening, even if it were for an innocent stroll. He took her back to the inn before nightfall, mindful of everyone that had seen them ride out together, not to mention Mrs. Baird, who waiting like a hawk at the inn.

When they parted, his heart sank. Had he really wasted all those hours like that, with no progress to speak of? He’d indulged in just being there, next to her, in the moment, that he’d hardly realized hours had passed by.

Had he blown his only chance? Was Frank coming back the next day? He knew the reverend had packed a suitcase, he’d seen him walk with it to Randall’s car. He could only hope they’d be gone for several days, but couldn’t be too sure. He couldn’t very well ask Claire where her husband had gone. Not without risking seeing her heartbrokenness over Frank again. Damn that man, and damn it all. As much as he wanted to kill him, he could never do that to Claire. And he wanted her to choose him, chose him again and forever. He didn’t want to steal her away, even though she _was_ his _._

Later, when Brianna was tucked into bed and after he’d showered, he was surprised to see she was still wide awake “Are ye not sleepy?”

She shrugged while he turned off the lamp and got in bed next to her. She turned towards her da and whispered “Do ye think God is going to grant our wish?”

Jamie smiled, booping her little nose “I know so”

“I think so too”

“Och? How come?”

“I just do” she winked at him and turned to the other side, effectively swaddling herself with her blanket.

Jamie touched his rosary again and prayed his wee lassie was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *felt like a little Jamie POV was in order. i will be updating this once more this week since the story hasn't really progressed with this chapter, but i do hope you found it enjoyable nonetheless. i for one always love me some Jamie POV hehe  
> *as always, much love for your continuous interest in this story! i appreciate every single comment, kudos, bookmarks, reblogs, and even those of you who take the time to simply read it. know that it means so much to me ❤️


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well. it's been a minute, hasn't it? i wanted to get this chapter just right. feel free to re-read the previous chapter as to freshen up your memories of where we've left off.  
> i really do hope you like it ❤ let me know! your feedback is greatly appreciated, lovelies! ❤

Jamie woke up the following morning to the knock of someone at the door. He immediately jumped out of bed, and in 3 quick strides opened the door expecting, for some reason, to see Claire on the other side of it "Mrs. Graham!"

"Och, Jamie, sorry tae wake ye sae early on a Sunday, but I just couldna wait any longer." she whispered as to not wake Brianna  
Jamie stepped into the hallway, pulling the door shut behind him "Why, what's the matter?"

Mrs. Graham exhaled "I dinna ken what to make of it, but Reverend Wakefield called late last night and informed me he'd be coming home today early morning in time for his sermon. By train."

Jamie raised his eyebrows at that and Mrs. Graham mirrored his expression and continued "His cab should be home any minute. I really think ye should come by. Maybe ye'll manage and coax the truth out of him before the sermon"

Jamie nodded in understanding.

Mrs. Graham had always been of major help, ever since the stones had brought him and Brianna there. He'd known of her from his wife of course, but vaguely, and didn't know exactly how much he could trust her with. Ultimately he'd had to take a chance and come clean, telling her all about their time travel. He'd told her about her role in it all and how Claire had followed her up Craig Na Dun, and how it ultimately lead to her falling through the stones. He'd never known whether she really believed him, but she'd always helped him just the same. Upon Claire and Frank's arrival on their second honeymoon, just as Jamie had "predicted" they would, Jamie knew she now had no doubt that what he'd told her almost 2 years back was truthful.

He knew Brianna would not be too pleased to be waking up at 7:30 on a Sunday, so he dressed quietly and left her a note on his pillow telling her where he'd gone and that he'd be back soon so that they could have breakfast. She was safe at the inn, Mrs. Baird knew of all the comings and goings, of course, but she was also very disciplined for a 6 year old (soon going on 7, as she loved reminding him). She knew not to get into any trouble while he was gone, and he doubted she'd even wake up before he was back.

He made his way to Wakefield's house and as per agreement, feigned having some business with Mrs. Graham. She was busy getting the reverend's things ready of course and as he waited, he took in the man's agitated state "Are ye alright, sir?"

The reverend loosened his collar slightly and gave Jamie a halfsmile "I don't know that I am, son, but thank you for asking all the same"

Jamie placed his hands behind his back and in a casual manner, proceeded "It was my understanding that you werena coming back until Monday at the latest"

It was all it took for the older man to slouch his shoulders and exhale, shaking his head slightly "I had to come back. I couldn't possibly stand idle while... while, well. It isn't my place to meddle"

Jamie narrowed his eyes "So ye didna come back fer the sermon, then? Well, I did wonder why ye'd changed yer mind"

The reverend rubbed his forehead looking out the window and after a long silence eventually spoke "I'd normally never utter a word of it to anyone. But I do wonder whether I am making a mistake keeping quiet about it. I couldn't tell Mrs. Graham, she'd be running of to Mrs. Randall first chance she got. God knows she tried her best to coax the real reason I came back out of me"

"Mrs. Randall? Claire? What of her?"

The reverend took in Jamie's expression and couldn't help a smile ghosting his lips slightly. He then resumed anxiously pacing the room "She is here on her second honeymoon. I must say, I really treasure my friendship with Frank, but yesterday I was... taken aback to see a side of him I had not yet seen before. We were discussing his research in a café when all of a sudden a blonde young lass comes by to greet him. I thought nothing of it, of course, not until he would not let her leave and insisted she's join us. We made little to no progress yesterday and I felt as if I were intruding. They kept giving eachother looks that I certainly did not find appropriate for a man of his marital status"

Jamie could barely contain his rage "He's cheating on her?"

"I was hoping I was reading too much into it, but when she left for the ladies' room, I flat out asked him what was happening. He admitted to have had an affair with the lady in question during the war, and now that they'd crossed paths by chance, he felt like catching up. Whatever that might mean. I then... I admit to have pretended to go make a phone call, to inquire about Thomas' preparations for the sermon. I told Frank something had come up back in Inverness and that I couldn't stay after all. He was not too sad to see me go, let me tell you"

Jamie just stared at a point in space frowningly, his nostrils flaring with every labored breath. To think of how many times he'd felt as if he'd stole Claire from that bastard. How many times he'd asked God for forgiveness for breaking up their holy union. To think of how he actually took her up that hill and sent her back home to him, not once, but twice! Just to find out that, all the while, had she stayed back in her time, she'd have been cheated on, she'd already been. And now Frank was about to just leave her there in Inverness on their second honeymoon, no less, to fool around with some blonde conquest he'd made during the war. It was sickening. There simply was no way he could sit back idly and watch all this unravel before his eyes. He'd been patient, God knew he could endure more than most men, hell, he'd even had to sleep in the same inn in which he _knew_ they were engaging in marital activities.

She'd worn that stupid gold band, cherished his memory, felt guilt over choosing to stay with him over Frank. She'd went to great lengths to assure Black Jack Randall stayed alive for long enough to ensure his bloodline. 

This was his wife. _His_ wife.

Before the reverend could react, he stormed out of his house and all but ran to the inn. He didn't even stop to check on Brianna, he had to see Claire. He didn't know exactly what he was going to say to her but he couldn't stay silent much longer.

He knocked on her door and she greeted him with a smile "Oh, look, your Da is here"

Jamie's eyes widened to see his daughter come from behind her "Brianna!"

"Oh, please don't be cross with her. She woke up and thought to come visit. She asked if it was ok, and I told her to leave you the note, explaining where she was" she paused, taking in his stern expression "Jamie, I'm sorry if I overstepped..."

He exhaled "No, no, 'tis fine..."

"Are you alright? Come in, sorry to have kept you at the door" she stepped aside and gestured for him to come in

He stepped inside reluctantly, his fingers drumming against his thigh. 

"Da, look! Me and Claire were having a tea party!"

"Claire and I" he corrected her in a gentle tone, caressing the top of her red hair

"Would you like some air... errr, tea, Jamie?" Claire grinned and Brianna giggled as she took a cup and pretended to pour into it from the empty kettle

Jamie smiled and sat at the small table looking at his two lasses play pretend, smile and giggle. Play together, like mother and daughter, and it made his heart swell. He all but forgot why he'd come barging in. He looked at the sight before him and knew that he'd never tire of seeing the two of them together. Looking at them side by side, he was amazed at how much they were alike. Some things he hadn't even noticed himself, before. Like their long, slim hands. Their crooked little finger on their right hands, he'd forgotten about it, how could he have? Their lips were so similar, their little ears like tiny wings. 

And he knew. Just like that, he knew what must be done. 

"How does a picnic sound after this verra fine tea party?"

Claire and Brianna looked at eachother in delight, and all but squealed- they were so far gone into their little playtime together. Brianna had never had this kind of connection with anyone. Try as he might, he was not really the ideal playmate for a 6 year old. Mrs. Graham, bless her heart, had more pressing matters to attend to, and Roger... was a boy, and therefore, gross.

He could see though past Claire's joyfulness. He could see her dark circles, her telltale sign after a night with little to no sleep, so evident on her pale skin. She had a faraway look in her eyes, despite the honest glee in them while interacting with Brianna.

He instructed the girls to "finish their tea" and then go wait for him outside as he went to their room to grab a few picnic essentials. 

When he finally emerged they made a pitstop to the reverend's house and Jamie went in to ask Mrs. Graham for some appropriate food and a basket. She came out into the parlor to say hi to the girls as well and even insisted Roger come and say hello before they went on their merry way. 

Jamie asked Claire if she would be comfortable riding to where they would be having their picnic, and she was all too happy to jump back into the saddle after she'd gotten reacquainted with horses.

Brianna asked to ride with Claire and he felt bittersweet about it.

Of course he wanted their daughter to _want_ her mam, in a visceral way. The mere fact that they were both so visibly attached to one another spoke volumes of their connection, a bond that could never be mistaken, erased, replaced. Nothing could come between a mother and her child, not time, not death, not even God himself.

But he also knew that she'd never be just Da's wee one ever again. It'd only ever been just the two of them... 

Looking at them now, his mind went yet again to Faith, their stillborn child. He could now see what might've been and his heart ached. They'd have been so happy together, the four of them.

They rode along and he was watching the two of them interact almost as if he were dreaming. How he'd waited for this to happen, to see them together finally. He knew he could never allow anything to come between them again. The least of all that bastard by the name of Frank Randall. He'd always known he must've been no good, what with such ancestors. The chip off the old block doesn't fall far from the tree, after all. But Claire had genuinely loved him, and he'd respected him because of that. 

That ended then and there.

His decision was resolute as he rode behind the girls and he could already see, past them, in the distance, the hilltop on which they would be dismounting and setting their blanket in preparation for their little feast. He touched the rosary through his shirt and prayed he'd made the right decision. Because he could not live with himself any other way.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for your patience ❤ for all those that do not follow me on tumblr, and had no idea why i hadn't updated in a while, rest assured, i am alright. just going through a rough period in my life, but i am not giving up on my fics-- far from it, they bring me great joy!. but i cannot post something that i am not pleased with, i will not make an update just for the sake of continuity in posting schedule. i know it sucks having to wait for updates. whenever a writer i follow posts an update after more than a week i usually go back and re-read a couple of chapters just to freshen up the story, lest i forget something crucial. if you want, you can do that. writing really is a unique process for everyone and you really have to be in the right mindspace, creatively. that sometimes translates in parts of the story taking a bit longer to develop. kudos to those who finish their stories before posting them, i for one cannot do that. i just can't wait to share each and every chapter with you once i'm done with it. i am obviously not a writer professionally, just doing this in my spare time at 3 am usually.
> 
> ok, now that i got that out of the way, hope you enjoy the following chapter. thank you all again for your patience and continuous love for this story ❤ all your comments, kudos and reblogs make me want to keep writing and i am so grateful for you all! special thanks to my dear friend CourageousJS ❤

"Quite the odd choice for a picnic" Claire looked around and smiled frowningly as they were sitting on their blanket, enjoying their picnic, atop Craig Na Dun. The stones were standing tall around them, and they looked harmful enough, on that sunny day.

Brianna knew she was not supposed to tell anyone about the stones and their magic, and Jamie glanced at her warningly. He didn't have the energy to keep up with their chatter, his mind was elsewhere. He'd come here for a very clear reason, and as soon as they settled down for their picnic he realized he couldn't do what he'd planned on doing.

He'd planned on taking his lasses back through the stones, back to Fergus who he's promised he'd one day return to, or back to William who was probably by now heir to Lallybroch in the 21st century, or anywhere the stones would send them, for he realized they'd always take him where he needed to be. He trusted their magic. It was what had brought Claire to him all those years ago. It'd been 5 years already since they'd met, but he knew their souls had been united since the beginning of time. They would always find one another, no matter time, place, they were drawn to eachother in the same way particles were molecularly. 

He'd planned on taking her away from Frank, sparing her the heartache. He knew she'd be heartbroken when she found out about his infidelity. Part of him wanted for her to know just what kind of man she'd be giving up. He knew how it weighed on her conscience, how she felt remorseful over leaving Frank they way she had. Not regretful, but still the guilt of how she'd disappeared from his life had always been there, hidden in a nook in her heart, that she kept hidden away from him. But he knew her well, and knew that it was eating at her every so often. When she'd picked him, choosing to stay, he didn't fool himself thinking she'd never give Frank another thought again. He'd been her first love, he'd been her husband, and he knew she didn't take such matters lightly. 

She'd kept wearing his wedding ring, and he'd never told her to take it off. In an odd way, he respected her all the more for it. She didn't just discard Frank as if he'd never been important to her, no, she'd kept his memory and cherished it. 

Even he sometimes felt guilt over coming between husband and wife. Yes, it had been an extraordinary circumstance, but the truth of the matter was he'd married a woman that was already tied in holy matrimony to another man. That's why he'd given her the choice, that day when he took her in that very spot they were sitting, after learning the truth from her. He could've never lived with himself knowing all that and not giving her the chance to break free from him, the chance to go back to her own time. It'd been the most difficult thing he'd ever had to do up to that point. 

Having her find out about Frank's unfaithfulness would have erased all her guilt. But he couldn't do that to her, couldn't bare her suffering. He'd seen her trembling wee chin that morning at the window and knew it'd break her heart and he just couldn't stand for it, no matter how convenient it would have been in the long run for her to find out.

But he couldn't very well allow her to sit there, wallowing over him while he was out there cheating on her. 

He was caught between a rock and a hard place. 

He wanted nothing more than to go to Edinburgh, _kill_ the bastard, and have him mysteriously never come back. He'd kept his desire to kill him in check ever since he'd met him, had to shake his hand and then sit in his bed imagining what he was probably doing to _his_ wife. Seeing Claire the following morning at the window holding that duvet against her nakedness had only confirmed he'd been right. Of course they'd been intimate, he was not fooling himself for a minute, but the confirmation had pierced through him like a flaming hot blade. 

Sitting in his own bed that night picturing the two of them together and him helpless to stop it had been the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. He'd never felt that powerless, not even when Black Jack Randall had had his wicked way with him. The only thing that had made him keep in check his impulse to storm in their room and demand that sick bastard to take his hands off _his wife_ was Brianna. He kept looking over at her, smiling in her sleep as he traced his finger lightly across her wee cheek, and he knew he had to be strong for her. For their family. He couldn't give in to his baser needs, the need to beat the man that was sleeping with _his wife_ to a pulp. He couldn't risk throwing it all away like that. Claire would have never understood it, not until she remembered at least, and he was powerless to keep them apart until she did.

But that was before he knew he'd been a lying cheat. That, he could not tolerate.

His mind was made up, he'd be taking her back through the stones, forcing her away from it all, trusting that it would jolt her memory back and that she would not resent him for it.

There was only one problem, though.

The stones were silent.

Every time he'd gone up there they'd been buzzing, and now they were silent, as silent as they'd been back when only Claire used to hear them and he could not. He was looking at his lasses, giggling away talking about this and that, having their wee picnic and wondered if any of them could hear the stones, but they likely could not either, otherwise they'd have mentioned it. The stones were incredibly loud when you could hear them, almost as if you were standing in the middle of a swarm of angry bees. But now there was nothing but silence, birdsong and silence.

Almost as if they'd known what he'd planned on and were defying him. 

"Look, love, a bunny!" Claire pointed out enthusiastically and Brianna jumped off the picnic blanked and ran towards it, hoping to catch it.

"Brianna!" Jamie shot up, and Claire looked at him puzzled at his desperate and serious tone

"She can't wander too far off..." she tried to reason with him but when she saw the look on his face she sat up as well

"Brianna!" he shouted at the top of his lungs and the little girl turned around, almost as if snapping out of her reverie. Jamie let out a shaky breath, she was dangerously close to the middle stone, and although they'd been silent he still was wary of her standing too close to them. Before he could tell her to come back, _right this instant,_ the rabbit reappeared from behind the stone and Brianna saw it. Before he could move his legs, she was already turning around and leaned against the stone, trying not to startle the animal while getting closer to him.

"NO!" 

Claire let out a shriek just in time with Jamie's shout. The little girl was gone "Brianna! Good God! Where is she?!"

"No! No!" Jamie sprinted over and stopped just short of touching the stone himself. Claire followed closely and he turned around to her, barely reining his desperation in

"Where did she go?!" Claire was panting, not from exertion but bewilderment and he knew there was no time for explanations, he needed to go after her. _Right then_. Any wasted moment could translate into days, weeks, months. Hell, years! It'd happened before! What had only felt like weeks for him recovering from his accident, had translated into years for Claire on the other side of the stones. He couldn't waste any moment longer.

"Come with me" he blurted out

"Where? Where is she, Jamie? What's happening? What is that noise?!"

He could hear it now too. Loud and violent. His heart threatened to beat out of his chest in fear for his lass, all alone on the other side of that stone. He held out his hand "Do you trust me?"

She looked at him puzzled for a moment but sensing his urgency, she placed her hand in his and squeezed tightly.

He pulled her to him with his other hand, circling her waist protectively "Think about Brianna" he said, his voice urgent against her ear and then raised their entwined hands towards the stone, taking the final step towards it.


End file.
